What is Paula Abdul Trying to Say?

Paula Abdul is sad again. She has another big let down, no free gifts. Paula’s reality show uses a simple formula: a problem presents itself, Paula becomes hysterical and cries a river of tears while throwing a fit, then magically her assistant fixes the problem. I can’t understand what Paula is saying with her slurred words half the time though. Producers did try to solve this problem with subtitles, but the subtitles only appear some of the time for Paula, and don’t always match what I think I’m hearing her say. One thing Paula made clear is that she’s a gift (from God), and she won’t smile or be happy when she is getting screwed. She said that’s another life lesson, but you know what?, that’s a lesson to all the guys out there. If you’re gonna screw Paula you won’t have a good time unless she passes out first.