A much fatter Jessica Simpson made the cover of US Weekly, In Touch, and People. Free media coverage is good, as long as you have a plan.

Watch for Jessica to land a deal as a spokesman for a diet company, and to launch her own fitness video, book, and maybe even her own food service to help people lose weight. All she has to do now is lose the fat, and she’ll be a role model for women who want to lose weight.

The other day there was an allegation that Hayden Panettiere threatened to kill an Us magazine reporter while she was on the red carpet: Here’s more:

Anyway, it was the unbreakable Hayden Panettiere who threatened to "kill" a staffer from Us Weekly over something she wrote about her in a recent issue. Just when it looked like Hayden was about to pull a Sylar on said reporter’s skull, her quick-thinking publicist grabbed her and scolded, "Not on the red carpet." It was a classic Hollywood moment – and one I predict will be streaming all over the Internet by week’s end.

Hayden didn’t mean to "kill" anyone. Maybe the people over at Us Weekly should pass out a dictionary defining slang used by young people. The reason Hayden isn’t happy is because she’s moving from one guy to another like musical chairs, and she wants to keep her sex life a secret. She dumped Stephen Colletti, and she’s already moved on to co-star Milo Ventimiglia. In the video above the Milo and Hayden were dancing at the Emmy Awards after show party, and Milo was tenderizing his new meat with his hands and lips. By the time Hayden hits 21 years-old she’ll have handled more meat than a butcher.

Sunday night at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas Britney Spears ran off stage yelling she looked like a fat pig, after seeing herself on overhead monitors during her performance. Here’s more:

“She was also able to see video of herself throughout the auditorium,” a backstage source tells Us Weekly. “She flipped out. She came running off the stage, yelling ‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!’ She was inconsolable.”

I’m not going to dispute the facts, or argue against Britney’s accurate declaration that she "looked like a fat pig." She’s right. I’ve never seen an anorexic pig, so "fat pig" sounds accurate. Drinking 3 or 4 Starbucks Vente frappuccinos with extra heavy whipped cream, plus super-sized pizzas with extra cheese and grease, Cheetos, and more, doesn’t make a young lady look like a sexy goddess. Over the last few years has she not stepped on a scale or even looked in the mirror? When her manager arranged for a trainer, and brought in a whale trainer from SeaWorld, didn’t Britney suspect someone was trying to tell her something? On the plus side, as long as Britney is a fat pig, it will be harder to see her vagina past her inner thigh fat.

Check out Britney’s uncensored MTV VMA performance after the jump…

Read More →

Lauren Conrad from The Hills was filming in her bikini on a beach. Life is so hard for those girls from The Hills. E! Online’s Answer B!tch provided a ball-park estimate of reality star incomes, including Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from MTV’s series The Hills:

Well, Lauren "L.C." Conrad does get to operate ongoing hot war with Heidi Montag in the pages of Us Weekly every week, free of charge. If that’s not a fine compensation, I don’t know what is. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. How about an estimated $10,000 to $25,000 per episode? That’s the general industry range for top reality stars such as Conrad, Montag, wannabe K-Fed or Spencer Pratt.

A reality star is what a spoiled pretty girl becomes when she’s too lazy to make an honest living as an escort.

The upcoming issue of Us Weekly will feature Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead as she approaches her first birthday. Us Magazine has noted the resemblance between Dannielynn and her mother.

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead may not have many memories of Anna Nicole Smith, but as she nears her first birthday, it appears that just looking in the mirror will be a lifelong reminder of her mom.

Family friend Tricia Barnstable Brown tells , "I think she’s really starting to look like her mom. She has those pouty lips like Anna — she’s breathtaking." Aunt Judy Birkhead adds, "She has Anna’a smile and Larry’s eyes. She also has her laugh, and her personality is fun like Anna’s."

Anyone who has watched "Seinfeld" knows that "breathtaking" is a polite way of saying that the baby bears a striking resemblance to a catcher’s mit.

That big personality that Dannielynn got from her mom has already helped her win friends. Dad Larry Birkhead tells Us "When I took her out for her first big dinner, she looked around at the table and grabbed this big Alaskan crab leg off my plate and started swinging it around, making all these crazy noises. Everyone in the restaurant was laughing."

Sure, they’re laughing now, but when Dannielynn is still spinning crab legs in her thirties, it won’t be quite so cute. With Anna Nicole as a mother, you could probably open up her head and find a chick pea where a brain should be.