It’s official: Britney Spears has become a caricature of herself. You honestly just can’t make this shizz up. On the night before she was expected in Las Vegas for rehearsals for the VMA’s, Brit Brit thought fit to do what she knows best…show up to a club wearing her token fedora/no-pants combo. Sponge Brit No Pants! Hole in the pantyhose sold separately. Us Magazine reports:

The night before she was expected in Las Vegas to rehearse her single “Gimme More” with illusionist Criss Angel, the perennial party girl, 25, hit up L.A. club Opera.

Accompanied by her cousin Alli Sims, Spears — clad in a cream fedora, gray mini-dress with stockings, knee-high boots and long pearl necklaces — settled into a corner booth around 12:32 a.m. (Her wig of choice? A blonde, shoulder-length number.)

“Britney was in a great mood all night, smiling, laughing, upbeat,” a witness says, who adds that Spears also smoked a few cigarettes and danced to Rihanna’s “Umbrella.”

“She was really getting into the songs,” the onlooker says.

Apparently, she worked up a thirst: “Britney drank beer, vodka cranberry and vodka tonic,” says the witness.

Sucking a lollypop, Spears left hand-in-hand with Sims at 1:45 a.m.

Alas, the two called it a night after hitting a Wendy’s drive-thru around 2:20 a.m.

Nothing says comeback like showing up half-cocked and bloated! You go Brit!

Apparently they’ll let any boy-bander turned…turned what…what does he do these days anyway? Well, Nick Lachey is opening a new restaurant in Vegas. Us Magazine reports:

A source tells Us the singer, 33, is opening an American-style restaurant, Company American Bistro, at Las Vegas’ Luxor Hotel & Casino, in partnership with Pure Management Group. His co-owners? Nicky Hilton, 23, and Wilmer Valderrama, 27.

Their specialty? Douche a L’Orange.

Us Magazine has confirmed with MTV that whorrendous Brit Brit will, indeed, be the opening act at this Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas. She’ll be singing the song "Gimme More," which is coincidentally what she says when she disappears into the bathroom stalls at clubs.

The pop star collaborated with illusionist Criss Angel, star of A&E’s Mindfreak, on "some of the moments of the performance," says Jesse Ignjatovic, the executive producer of this year’s VMAs. Ignjatovic said it was important to secure Spears, 25, for the big show’s opening number.

In a never-before mindfreakalicious treat, he will get Britney to actually sing instead of lip synch. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

"I guess, looking back, we’ve had a great history with her," he said. "I wanted to start the show in a very big and dramatic way, and she’s the one to do that. She’ll captivate everyone, and set the tone for the rest of the night. There’s no one better."

Though a Justin Timberlake source tells Us that rumors of a Timberlake/Spears duet are "patently false," fans should still expect to be surprised.

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” a Spears insider tells Us, adding that the goal is to make it “shocking.”

C’mon, do they actually think we can be shocked by Britney anymore? She could show up in astronaut diapers, a full beard, and give a horse a hummer on stage and we’d all just laugh and say, "Oh Britney!"

While John Mayer is busy going green, Us Magazine is reporting that his ex, Jessica Simpson, is busy being green…with envy.

A source close to the singer tells Us Simpson is “really jealous” that ex John Mayer is seeing Cameron Diaz. “She had her mouth open a mile wide when she found out,” says the source. “She just freaked.”

And the way they could tell this was her mouth being open a mile wide? Have they seen Jessica Simpson before? Her mouth could fit a freight train twice on Tuesday and she shows us that in every photo she takes.

Simpson, 27, parted ways with Mayer, 29, in May after dating him on and off for seven months, and “she thinks about him all the time,” says the source. “She is so not over him.”

Meanwhile, Simpson seems to be a distant memory for Mayer, who has continued his summer romance with Diaz, 35, in NYC. Though they spent August 22 and 23 apart (he hit the gym and recorded at a studio; she shopped and then lunched at Mary’s Fish Camp), they finally squeezed in quality time in the wee hours of August 24 at hot spot Socialista. The pair — who left at 4 a.m. through different exits — “were very cozy,” says a witness.

But what, pray tell, of the rumored romance between Cameron and Bradley Cooper? E! reports:

Sources close to Bradley and Cameron Diaz tell me that the two have been dating the past couple weeks. Pretty adorable, no?

Bradley’s rep insists that it is "not true" that the two are dating. However, insiders tell me that Cameron and Bradley have been busy sending flirty text messages to each other throughout the day and spending quite a bit of time together.

I can only guess that Cameron must be good in the sack cuz that face could be most people’s butt double.

US Magazine claims Owen Wilson was addicted to both heroin and cocaine, and he went to church 3 days before he attempted suicide. Here’s more:

Wilson visited a St. Monica church in his neighborhood on August 23, out of either devotion or desperation. Three days later, actor Luke Wilson, 35, found his brother in his Santa Monica, California, home with his left wrist slashed, having ingested a quantity of pills.

While the news stunned Owen’s fans, members of his and Hudson’s inner circles were reportedly all too aware of his private struggles with depression and addiction to cocaine and heroin.

According to sources close to the actor, his downward spiral only worsened after his June split from Hudson, 28.
"We always thought he was just too fun-loving, but now it’s obvious he was just dealing with way too much to handle," says a family friend.

I still think Owen went over the edge because of the breakup with Kate Hudson. She probably didn’t mind the drugs, but a church boy was just too much for her to handle what with her Pagan beliefs and all. Page Six agrees with US that Owen was addicted to cocaine and heroin. Here’s more:

Wilson’s drug use was so frequent, it was even the cause of his Memorial Day breakup with Kate Hudson. And his friends are placing the blame squarely on Wilson’s newfound best buddy, British actor Steve Coogan, with whom he starred in several films.

"I went through it with Steve," Coogan’s former girlfriend, rocker Courtney Love, told US. "I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends. I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy."

Wilson’s addiction was so severe, his pal Woody Harrelson tried to stage an intervention at his home in Maui. "Owen went to Maui, Hawaii, to kick his habit," a longtime Wilson pal told the mag. "He was like a baby on that couch."

The friend said that heroin was the first thing that came to mind when Wilson and Hudson split and he suddenly "disappeared off the face of the earth."

Another cause of his depression was his very public split with Hudson it all became too much for the actress when Wilson’s struggles came to light.

She even banned Coogan from Wilson’s house while they were dating. "She knew he was bad," said a source.

If Courtney Love says Steve Coogan is bad news, then he’s REALLY bad news. It’s a good thing Coogan isn’t on trial for murder with Courtney on the stand pointing her bony finger at him saying, "Steve Coogan did it." If Owen was on drugs it’s no wonder he was depressed. I’d like to think it was more the drugs than Hudson, because I really like her as an actress, and I don’t want to imagine her crushing someone’s heart while it beats in her hand.

Yesterday Variety Fair asked Fox if Owen’s mental health situation might affect his participation in "Marley & Me." The Fox spokesman called the question "totally inappropriate." Today it is being reported that Owen is dropping out of a new comedy "Tropical Thunder." Owen was scheduled to begin filming his minor part in a week. Looks like that question was reasonable after all.

Get well soon Owen.