Lily Allen says hypnosis helped her slim down from a size 12 down to a size 8. Us Magazine reports:

Allen slimmed down with the help of Susan Hepburn, an accredited hypno therapist and psychotherapist who charges approximately $600 an hour to implant subconscious messages into clients’ minds reminding them to stop eating when they feel full.

"After the hypnotism, I want to go to the gym every day, otherwise I feel really bad,” Allen, 22, said. “I just want to get more toned and healthy. I’m really good about everything at the moment — I’ve never been happier.”

If the hypnosis helped so much then why is she still drinking and smoking? Oh that’s right, drinking and smoking makes your skin look younger, and keeps you from getting colds. I used to run this assisted help center for fat people. My clients were fat and ugly, but I couldn’t do anything about the ugly, and losing weight didn’t really help them make new friends, since they got really cranky and irritable from not eating. I didn’t implant any "subconscious messages." I just told them straight out, "you’re fat." Then I attached a shock colar and followed them around. If they even looked at a donut, bzzzzz zap! The cops shut me down when they discovered my work out program involved having my clients clean my house, wash my car, and carry me around in a chair like the ancient Egyptians.

The Sun UK has been doing a lot of sex tape reporting lately that requires the kind of fact checking that Britney Spears uses to decide if she wants to wear clothes or not. Her motto, "Just do it," much like The Sun UK’s fact checking. The report says that Britney met a random guy in Hawaii for some casual sex, and they casually video taped it. The guy says he’s too embarrassed by his lame performance to release the tape. The Sun reports:

The man in question says he met the singer on holiday in June and taped their alleged night of lust in Britney’s hotel room. However, according to the unnamed man, the romp was a bit of a damp squib. He reportedly told a US magazine: “It was just normal sex, we didn’t do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out.”

The Sun said the Eva Longoria sex tape was real, and that turned out to be untrue. After seeing Britney barely move, and gasping for air after only a few minutes shuffling her walker around the VMA stage, I don’t see her lasting 25 minutes having sex, even if she just laid there. Unless of course there was foreplay first, which would consist of eating a buffet of food for 24 minutes, then 1 minute of sex. After which, Britney would eat her new lover for desert.

The other day there was an allegation that Hayden Panettiere threatened to kill an Us magazine reporter while she was on the red carpet: Here’s more:

Anyway, it was the unbreakable Hayden Panettiere who threatened to "kill" a staffer from Us Weekly over something she wrote about her in a recent issue. Just when it looked like Hayden was about to pull a Sylar on said reporter’s skull, her quick-thinking publicist grabbed her and scolded, "Not on the red carpet." It was a classic Hollywood moment – and one I predict will be streaming all over the Internet by week’s end.

Hayden didn’t mean to "kill" anyone. Maybe the people over at Us Weekly should pass out a dictionary defining slang used by young people. The reason Hayden isn’t happy is because she’s moving from one guy to another like musical chairs, and she wants to keep her sex life a secret. She dumped Stephen Colletti, and she’s already moved on to co-star Milo Ventimiglia. In the video above the Milo and Hayden were dancing at the Emmy Awards after show party, and Milo was tenderizing his new meat with his hands and lips. By the time Hayden hits 21 years-old she’ll have handled more meat than a butcher.

Jake Gyllenhaal was in Toronto recently where he gave an interview on his new movie. There are so many gays that want desperately to have a regular looking guy like Jake to be gay, so they just throw it out there at least ten times a day. It must suck to have all those hot gay male dancers on their side of the fence, right ladies? Then there are the other rumors that Jake likes MILF Reese Witherspoon. Another rumor from Us Magazine today said they broke up again. Unless there’s a sex tape, who cares? The bottom line is, Jake doesn’t seem to be a top or a bottom, he seems to just be a regular American guy, who likes chics. In the video Jake talks about doing the difficult stuff guys have to do to protect and defend America. Sure it’s not as fun as gay life, where they ride well hung Unicorns, slip down the vaseline slide into pools of milk and honey, and get to wear comfortable panties all day, but who would you want protecting you from the boogie man, a nancy boy, or The Terminator?

The reaction today to Britney Spears 2007 MTV Video Music Awards performance is ranging from shock to horror, but no one is surprised. The AP said:

As in most train wrecks, it was hard to focus on just one thing as the Britney Spears disaster unfolded. There was just so much that went wrong. Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears’ once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing altogether, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.

The AP reports just the facts. The New York Post said:

…why was Britney Spears’ totally lame, pathetically lip-synched Video Music Awards performance at the Palms Casino last night allowed to be seen by the rest of the world? Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song. She didn’t seem to care that she danced like she had a pantload, that her lips weren’t synched with the song, and that the tune isn’t all that great.

The New York Daily News said:

Glassy-eyed and out of step, Britney seemed lost in a sea of pole dancers and overmuscled male models who groped her so much she wasn’t even mouthing the words by the time her number ended. Cuts to the audience revealed fellow artists rolling their eyes. 50 Cent looked like he might have just thrown up in his mouth, and Rihanna was flat-out laughing to a table guest.

And Us Magazine said:

Following a dismal performance of Spears’ new single, "Gimme More," a source tells Us that Spears was spotted "crying badly backstage. She’s devastated. She was really nervous and knows she screwed up." The singer may have had an inkling of what was to come prior to her performance: A VMA insider tells Us that Spears fired her hairstylist right before going on.

Click here to see Britney’s MTV Video Music Award performance if you missed it. These reviews are far too kind. Look at 50 Cent’s face below during Britney’s performance. It’s the look of shock and horror. With all the gore and violence 50 Cent has seen on the streets, Britney’s performance is the one that will leave him shaking, and scared to sleep alone at night. When 50 Cent left the VMAs last night he was as white as Michael Jackson, and kept mumbling, "The horror, oh the horror."