Investigation of Paris Hilton Special Treatment Has Begun

Will Paris Hilton’s suffering never end??

The only ones who seem surprised to learn that Hilton received special treatment in jail seem to be members of the Sheriff’s Department Union.

MSNBC reports that the union members’ inquiries sparked an investigation that was opened Thursday.

The internal probe will examine whether the hotel heiress was given free access to a cordless phone instead of being forced to wait in line to use a pay phone at certain hours, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said.

Also under scrutiny are claims Hilton received a new jail uniform instead of the recycled ones given to many inmates and that her mail was delivered by a captain instead of inmate trusties, Whitmore said.

But, wait, didn’t Paris even draw a picture for TMZ of her sad self, waiting by the pay phone? Let’s hope they log that as "evidence" that she did suffer just as much as everyone else. Bologna sandwiches and freezing cells, kind guards, but no special treatment. That’s the party line at the Hilton camp.

If just one of these guards had managed to take a cell-phone pic of Paris on the potty and shared the proceeds with the other union members, there wouldn’t be an investigation.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Wouldn’t Settle for a Childless Life

Catherine Zeta-Jones knew what she wanted out of life and it was more than ostentatious hair treatments. The girl can drive a hard bargain.

When she was dating Michael Douglas, she was firm about her desire for a family. The Mirror reports:

Catherine, 37, said: "I turned to him and asked, ‘Do you really want children?’ I thought for one minute he was going to say, ‘I already have a son, Cameron.’

"I would then have had to say goodbye. I remember saying defiantly, ‘I can’t live without having children’. And he went, ‘Me too’," she added in an interview with Parade magazine.

Perhaps she thought that was her escape clause. Something along the lines of "Sorry, you face-lifted old man, I would love to marry you, but I’m young, gorgeous and I want a beautiful family."

Unfortunately for the glossy-haired Zeta-Jones, the cruel trick of human physiology is that even mummified men can impregnate their wenches and silence the ticking of the biological clock. And some have the ego to want to.

Playing catch with the kiddies? That’s another story.

Caviar is Catherine Zeta-Jones Secret for Healthy Hair

It’s official. Catherine Zeta-Jones has too much money.

She doesn’t eat the expensive caviar (or the equally pricey accompanying truffles) to add shine to her gorgeous hair.

Oh no, that would be too common.

According to the Daily Mail:

The Beluga caviar is apparently flown in from Iran five days ahead of her treatments at a beauty salon in South Kensington.

"Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair," said a source.

"She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy.

Mmmmm…..shiny.

Sure it works. Her hair is blindingly shiny. Almost as blinding as her overly whitened teeth.

But somewhere, there are rich people dealing with a shortage of caviar and truffles. Soon, an interest group will pop up, urging folks like Catherine to preserve the yummy fish eggs and stinky mushrooms and stop wasting them on their hair.

Until then, we’ll just have to shield our eyes when gazing upon Catherine’s super shiny presence. She’s like a stinky, oily angel, that Catherine.