Britney Spears’ former bodyguard Tony Barretto says she overdosed on drugs after rehab in a hotel room with Howie Day. Tony adds, she has mental problems that get worse when she drinks and does drugs. He also alleges Britney did drugs in front of the kids. Here’s more:

When she nearly overdosed…"She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge- we thought she was dying. Before I even started working for her, I was warned about her stripping," he says. "I must have seen her naked dozens of times and each time I’ve been extremely embarrassed. She strips off anywhere — at home, recording studios and clubs."

Britney cried a river of tears on the first day she had to submit for drug testing, which didn’t help. The lab staff said she had to submit a urine test, because they don’t accept tears.

We’ve seen the pictures. We already know. Brit-Brit is a hot mess.

Now even MSNBC is passing along tabloid details on the areas where Britney Spears is just losing it.

Spears is “drinking heavily again, binge shopping and eating like there’s no tomorrow,” according to Star magazine. What’s more, the "Toxic" singer is jeopardizing her cherished relationship with kid sister Jamie Lynn because of her ongoing feud with her mother, Lynne.

“On several occasions, I have seen her pouring alcohol into energy drink cans,” a source told the tab. And, says one insider: “Britney requests that her alcohol be served in carafes rather than in bottles. Once, a waitress made the mistake of bringing her a bottle. Brit grabbed her arm and told her she couldn’t be seen with it.”…

Spears reportedly caused a scene at the L.A. nightclub Joseph on June 25. The singer stripped down to a purple bra and “was dancing and singing her own music, which she brought in,” an “observer” told Star.

Ooh! A new twist on the vodka or champagne in the water bottle trick.

Though if Britney wants to keep her implosion under cover, she should try keeping her shirt on.

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How did we not know about this?

Oh yeah, because we stopped paying attention after Mariah Carey morphed into a cartoon of herself. Blaming the failure of Glitter on September 11th. Getting spray-on tans made of real gold. Posing in evening gowns with homeless guys.

That Mariah is making another movie and, frankly, we’re shocked that we weren’t aware of this celluloid threat looming on the horizon before it reached post-production. Guess it’s too late now to gather the villagers and pitchforks.

Her character’s name in this one? Krystal. That’s right! With a "K."

Mariah making movies is like every fantasy role-playing game we played as bored and precocious 8-year-olds, except nobody filmed it, we didn’t have that "aspiring-stripper" bent, and we had to be home before the streetlights came on.

But, wait! Page Six says that early reviews are good.

Word from the set is she’s "really, really good" in it - "It might be the cinema equivalent to the Red Sox winning the World Series," we’re told.

Nice try, anonymous producer-type who stands to make at least a little money if we’re dumb enough to fork over $8 opening weekend.

Now our dander is up. We know the Red Sox, Ms. Carey, and you’re no Boston Red Sox.

So many quotes in this story left us howling that we’re linking to it here so you can enjoy the whole thing with your Monday morning cup of tea.

Make sure it’s PG tips. Ha!

One favorite passage is below.

Poor George Clooney. All he wants is a little privacy!  And maybe a little discretion from the strippers he flies around the world and allows to sleep in separate beds.

Let us set the scene.

According to the Mirror, the story of the huge movie star and the British "lapdancer" starts at her place of employment in Las Vegas, where she resides with her mother and her 11-year-old son.

The former model revealed: "I kind of bumped into him and said, ‘You’re George Clooney!’ He smiled and said, ‘Hey, come and hang out with us’.

"He was sweet and non-offensive. He liked that I was British and we talked about home a lot.

"We talked about his place in Lake Como, Italy, and he invited me and my friend there for summer.

"He was respectful and didn’t even ask for a dance."

Despite other lapdancers buzzing around him, he had eyes only for her. Sarah added: "I didn’t care that he was George Clooney.

We don’t know about you, but that’s how all our best flings start, bumping into potential lapdancees while we’re naked, securing their undivided attention with our cool former-model/stripper moves. We’re always particularly impressed when they respect us so much they don’t even pay us for a dance.

Sadly, the tale ends as all great stories do, with the lovers drifting apart, most likely because the lapdancer doesn’t have text messages activated on her phone when she’s in England.

You’ve got to wonder how many text messages lonely, attentive George sent before he just gave up, thinking she’d tired of him, his fancy private jet, castle on the lake, and lovingly prepared breakfasts.