Reports earlier this week claimed Lindsay Lohan would be released from the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah as soon as this weekend. Dina Lohan contacted Access Hollywood telling them Lindsay will be staying in Utah, for now. It’s hard to know if Dina even knows since she always seems like she’s drunk. When she wakes up she probably has to clear away the beer cans to hit the snooze button. With a mom like Dina there’s little doubt Lindsay will stay clean and sober after her third trip to rehab. Hollywood can hardly wait to get Lindsay back. Every movies she’s made since Herbie Fully Loaded has bombed, and her music isn’t going to get any better with that raspy voice from cigarettes and alcohol. Nothing can stop her now. In the words of the queen of enablers Dina Lohan:

"As far as Lindsay’s health is concerned, she’s fine and she is back on set…. She will win an Academy Award for this picture… Justice!"

Owen Wilson’s family has begged him to go to rehab, but he said, "no no no." He’s already been in rehab twice before, and it didn’t work, so this time Owen decided to hire a sober companion at $750 per day according to In Touch Weekly. The companion will also travel with him on a planned trip.

I hope this sober friend is a pot-bellied truck driver from Utah. What he really needs is a hot Playboy bunny girlfriend that is allergic to drugs and alcohol, and can’t stand guys that do that stuff. I’ve got a feeling that Owen loves women more than drugs. Sometimes I get these feelings and start writing down numbers that turn out to be the winning lottery numbers. My friends say I’m psychic, and want me to get them all rich, but I only seem to be able to write down the numbers for lotteries that have already happened.

Page Six asks: Which hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night.

Lindsay Lohan headed straight to Las Vegas to party after getting out of rehab. Her alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet doesn’t detect drugs like cocaine, which was reported to have been found in her blood after her DUI. Lindsay could do every other drug on the planet, except alcohol, and she’d still expect everyone to believe she’s clean and sober. Lindsay is a pig, and she loves to roll around in the mud.

Why, just yesterday we were talking about how Evian might want to go ahead and ship Lindsay Lohan that free bottled water she’s requested and perhaps tweak their marketing to capitalize on her sneaky habits.

Today, the New York Daily News has reports of the Fall Out Boy bassist and the resculpted younger Simpson pulling a potential green-bottled contender into the mix.

It sure looked like Pete Wentz had a sober weekend – the Fall Out Boy bassist drank only Fuji water during Saturday night’s dinner at the Stereo House in Water Mill. "He’s never been a huge drinker," said one pal, "but now it’s cold turkey." Strange, then, that later as he manned the turntables at the Hpnotiq party at Dune in Southampton, girlfriend Ashlee Simpson decanted Veuve Clicquot into an empty Perrier bottle for him. As Wentz sipped in the deejay booth, a fellow emcee announced, "Look at our man Wentz. He’s drinking Perrier; that’s all he drinks."

Perrier…the better to disguise the sparkles in your champagne.

Fuji…for hiding the vodka, if you hate the French.