Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards (pictured above allegedly snorting a white powder after separating from Charlie) are going through the part of their divorce where they fight to the death to prevent the other parent from taking their kids away. Denise is fighting as dirty as it gets. Page six mysteriously got a hold of emails Charlie allegedly wrote to her:

“GO cry to your bald mom, you f**king loser.”

“You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go f**k yourself sad jobless pig,” reads another.

“You are an evil piece of sh!t. I can’t wait to tell the world what a piece of sh!t you are. You don’t get a f**king dime till this is resolved,” says a third e-mail.

Denise’s mom is currently getting chemotherapy for cancer, so she is bald. Charlie doesn’t seem like he’d get mad at Denise’s mom. Why would he? The bald reference makes this look like Denise wrote these emails. The "jobless pig," and "evil piece of sh!t," comments are right on target. At least Denise knows herself, but she lacks "talent" which explains why the emails are unbelievable. Here’s more:

Pictures of Sheen’s "erect penis" that Richards says he used for his profile on sex sites are also included, which Richards claims he e-mailed to "approximately 30 women."

"I’d love to give it to you any time," Sheen wrote to one woman under the screen name "mrjonze55."

Richards says Sheen even visited gay pornography sites – "which I found even more disturbing because I felt that the boys looked underage.”

If Charlie’s lawyer does his job he’ll hire a forensic computer analyst to determine exactly how Denise was able to track all of Charlie’s computer activities, especially the computer activity she alleges after they stopped living together. Not even Perez has tried to out Charlie as being gay, so when Denise says it, well she lacks credibility, especially since she cheated on Charlie which led to the divorce. Denise goes on to talk about Charlie’s rage:

Richards accuses Sheen of punching the headboard of their bed once in a rage, and telling her that by no longer breast-feeding, she was causing their daughter, Sam, to "become retarded."

"He took a large wedding photo off the wall. He had it placed in our garage. He sawed the picture in half and took spray paint and sprayed ’the dumbest day of my life.’”

Denise is retarded so it’s only natural that Charlie would be afraid his daughter might become retarded. I still don’t believe Charlie would call his daughter retarded. He loved retarded Denise despite the fact her intelligence is a little better than a single cell organism. The part I completely believe is when Charlie spray painted "the dumbest day of my life." After all the craziness Charlie has been through in his life he’s right, marrying Denise was the dumbest thing he’s ever done, next to using a penis picture in his dickhead profile.

The Sun UK has been doing a lot of sex tape reporting lately that requires the kind of fact checking that Britney Spears uses to decide if she wants to wear clothes or not. Her motto, "Just do it," much like The Sun UK’s fact checking. The report says that Britney met a random guy in Hawaii for some casual sex, and they casually video taped it. The guy says he’s too embarrassed by his lame performance to release the tape. The Sun reports:

The man in question says he met the singer on holiday in June and taped their alleged night of lust in Britney’s hotel room. However, according to the unnamed man, the romp was a bit of a damp squib. He reportedly told a US magazine: “It was just normal sex, we didn’t do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out.”

The Sun said the Eva Longoria sex tape was real, and that turned out to be untrue. After seeing Britney barely move, and gasping for air after only a few minutes shuffling her walker around the VMA stage, I don’t see her lasting 25 minutes having sex, even if she just laid there. Unless of course there was foreplay first, which would consist of eating a buffet of food for 24 minutes, then 1 minute of sex. After which, Britney would eat her new lover for desert.

The Eva Longoria sex tape appears to be real. Funny or Die claims the story was based on the skit which appears in the above video. Yawn. However, MaxPorn has another video that shows a woman on the receiving end of oral sex who looks a lot like Eva, but in fact is not her. This should satisfy the fantasies of even hardcore Eva fans. Click here to see it (NSFW). The real Eva below shows off her ability to slide her two-dimensional body between the bumpers of parked cars. She can also climb into those big blue mail boxes to retrieve mail you didn’t want to send, can use her hand to get lost jewelry that dropped into the sink drain, and doesn’t require an airline ticket since she fits in the overhead luggage compartment.

You literally heard it here first. That headline was an omen of what was to come. Today it’s official. Britney Spears was ordered by a Los Angeles court to turn over physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to their father Kevin Federline. TMZ reports:

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline’s powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan (left), raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver’s license…

… Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl’s Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed’s bodyguard three minutes later.

A source connected with the case says Spears was not focusing on the judge’s order last month, and she may not have attended the parenting classes or performed the required drug and alcohol testing.

Britney really earned this decision, so she can call it her own. The only surprise is that the judge didn’t turn the kids over to Federline a lot sooner. Only Britney would take the kids through the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru before turning them over. She probably only got herself something, cause momma hungry, momma gotta eat, baby no cry, make momma mad. Last week Britney cried as she left her first drug test. It’s possible she failed the test. Kevin’s lawyer pointed out that Britney has been charged with hit-and-run, plus driving without a valid license. Click here to see video of the accident. She filled out part of the paperwork at the DMV, but never completed it, so she has no license, and has been driving despite the charges, even on the day she turned the kids over.

Picture row 1: Over the weekend, Britney went out for Greek food at Taverna Toni in Malibu, but is too lazy to carry even one of her two kids she brought there. Do kids like Greek food?

Picture row 2: Pictures of Britney smashed white Mercedes which was obviously in an another car accident, after her black one which was involved in the hit-and-run accident. A second accident even though she shouldn’t even be driving.

Picture row 3 and 4: Over the weekend Britney went out for Mexican food, and looks like she may have brought a margarita home with her. Open alcohol containers are illegal in cars. Perhaps the judge saw these pictures too.

Picture row 5: Over the weekend, Britney takes her dog to Starbucks. Where are the kids?

Picture row 6 and 7: Last night about midnight Britney runs out of gas a second time, and the paparazzi have to fill’er up, again. Then she shops at Ralph’s. What is she doing out at midnight when she has the kids at home for the weekend?

The judge probably knows about all of this, and is finally, I mean FINALLY forcing Britney to be responsible for her actions. Don’t forget about Britney’s former bodyguard who submitted a declaration about Britney’s bad behavior. She was even banned from the Chateau Marmont for smearing food all over her face. What is it going to take for Britney to start acting like an adult? The judge is her daddy now, and he’s finally showing Britney some tough love. First Britney lost her car keys, then her husband, then her mind, and now her kids.

It seems unlikely that Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron would stop for gas, and then start posing for the cameras, but it happened. They are doing it to save stuffed animals, to give teenagers hope, and to make Disney happy. These two have dashed my last hope to believe love is real, and could happen to me. This means I’ll have to go back to dating absurdly hot girls who only want incredibly hot meaningless sex. All I ever wanted was a normal life. Just last week I visited my doctor, and the secretary started rubbing my zipper, and removing her clothes. Every time this happens I say, "Why me Lord, why me?" Then I have sex with the secretary, go home, and hate myself.