Esquire magazine declares that Charlize Theron is the "sexiest woman alive." These guys are a bit creepy. Take a look at how they describe her. Esquire says:

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE’s face. Her eyes hold the gaze of the camera directly, disarmingly. When she was younger, she looked like she knew she was hot. Now she looks like a person who knows exactly what’s going on — everything sorted and rich in the possibility of desire, everything painful and cheap, cruel and unspoken in the world around her — and it does not scare her.

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE’s mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it’s no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.

I’ve always thought Charlize was hot, but not the sexiest woman alive by a long shot. The description here is just plain bizzarre. The description goes from literary novel, to romance novel, with a hint of Penthouse forum. The only thing missing is the climax. I suspect this guy dresses in tight restrictive full body leather outfits, with a mask and a zipper where the mouth should be, and spends his free time as a foot stool for his female dominatrix.

Vanessa Hudgens is making it clear she has no sympathy for the trouble that has befallen Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton. She said:

“I honestly think it’s stupid. It’s easy to stay out of those situations.”

Vanessa forgets that they all have one thing in common, nude pictures that are all over the Internet. I guess it’s not so easy after all. Britney, Lindsay, and Paris all said the very same thing just before they fell from grace. Pictured below is Vanessa pretending to be a sweet angel at the Hollywood Life Style Awards. All it’s gonna take is a little coke, and the wrong friends, and she’ll go from nude pictures to sex tape. What will Disney do then, release an animated version?

Eric Ford is being investigated by the FBI after the New York Daily News broke the story that Ford was attempting to sell naked and sexually themed pictures of Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney Kardashian, pictures that were taken when the girls were underage. Gatecrasher says:

It is not yet known who took the photographs, which show the girls naked (although not together) and Kourtney in sexual positions with an unidentified male. Ford represented the pictures as the sisters "having sex with the same man," although we are reliably told this is not the case and that, in fact, the two series of pictures were taken about a year apart. Kim is now 27 and Kourtney is 28, but Kardashian’s rep says the photos were taken when both were younger than 18.

Ford could claim the pictures had "artistic merit," meaning they’re only art and not child pornography. However, the fact that at least one of the girls was in "sexual positions," makes that claim a little tough. Looks like Ford could be in a few sexual positions of his own once he gets behind bars, where he’ll get the welcome sausage over and over again.

Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia watched the L.A. Kings hockey game this weekend. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen a hockey game, so let me explain. These giant guys with big sticks skate around on the ice stopping periodically to beat the hell out of each other till the ice turns red. With that said I can’t understand what Hayden could think is so incredibly funny. Milo looks a bit confused. It’s called acting my friend. Hayden forgot she’s only supposed to laugh when Milo says something, so he thinks he made her laugh, and thus boost his self confidence. Judging by Hayden’s inability to time her laughter, she’s likely to burst out laughing during sex, causing her lover to lose his ability to ever attain an erection with a girl again. Perhaps this is why some men where pink shirts. Of course, I wouldn’t know. It’s not like I have all the answers, just most of them, after all, I’m only a scientist, not a celebrity.

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon got married last evening. The wedding took place between the 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. shows of Hans Klok’s The Beauty of Magic at Planet Hollywood resort. Pam wore a white Valentino dress she probably got at the celebrity Good Will store. At the 10 p.m. magic show Pam announced:

"Hello, I just got married … I did," she said after performing the second show of the night. "I’m distracted. It’s a big day. A big day at the office."

With nothing much left resembling a career, Pam has turned to marriage to keep the money flowing. The 5 minute wedding, and denim dress, speaks volumes about how much value she puts into this marriage, which is number 3. I give this marriage less than 4 months. Pam recently settled a gambling debt owed to Rick by sleeping with him, then announced her whoring publicly. Perhaps this wedding was to settle another debt, or on a dare. Pam has Hepatitis C, and we know Rick did a sex tape with Paris Hilton who has herpes, so that means Pam has it too. Pam is like a sewer. She’ll do the diseased guys that no one else wants to touch. At this point, it might be safer to sleep with a street hooker without protection, than Pamela Anderson.