Scarlett Johansson is currently filming He’s Just Not That Into You with Bradley Cooper, who is rumored to be dating Cameron Diaz. Bradley’s next movie will be Yes Man with Jim Carrey. Although I don’t know what Scarlett’s next project will be yet, I am sure she won’t be playing someone smart, and if she did, it would have to be some sort of fantasy science fiction movie with an alternate universe where her boobs are actually her brains. This means, of course, that women would then be twice as smart as men in that movie, which is … well … only science fiction, not science fact, or is it? Do do do do, do do do do.

Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson is hanging up her whips, chains, and black mamba vibrators. According to Us Magazine, her retirement will include other business pursuits, such as a Hollywood biopic, a comic book and a clothing line, which are due out next year. The next phase of her life also includes downsizing, as the adult film star had her breast implants removed a few weeks ago. She probably has to wear ankle weights just to keep from flying away.

Here is part of her interview with Us:

On why she had her implants removed:
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

I’m thinking that the mirror in Jenna’s home must be like one of those weird distorted circus mirrors that makes you look totally different than you actually appear. Scarlett Johansson, Rachel McAdams, and Sienna Miller? I mean, I’d like Angelina Jolie to play me in my biopic, but I’d also like a million dollars and Santa Claus to be real. But then I wake up.

Lindsay Lohan bragged often that she would win an Academy Award, but it never happened. She also didn’t have any actress friends, not because they were jealous of her, but perhaps because she is jealous of them. Here’s more:

According to a former pal of the party girl, Lindsay "ranted and raved about her talent, claiming ’I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!’" And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition. She said Scarlett Johansson is "ugly, fat, and has no talent." Jessica Simpson "can’t sing and is as dumb as (bleep)." Sienna Miller is a "no talent crackhead." Keira Knightly is a "flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress." Jessica Biel is a "phony, scheming joke of an actress."

This sounds exactly like Lindsay. If Oscars were awarded for Best Actress in a Leading Role as a drug-addled, alcoholic (with or without a cute anklet), crazed, freckled, venereal diseased, sperm dumpster, she’s right…she WOULD be the greatest Actress in the world, but unfortunately she just a pathetic loser without a career. Wait a minute, she already had her shot playing that role in “I Know Who Killed Me,” that was just released, but she only proved that she can’t even act like herself. Next stop, Lifetime channel.

Scarlett Johansson is pictured Tuesday, the second day of filming her third movie with Woody Allen in Barcelona. When you’re a pervert like Woody Allen, trying to getting into the pants of Scarlett can cost you $10 million for each dinner and a movie. That may be the closet Woody’s hand will get to Scarlett breast, but for $10 million who knows.

It’s no wonder Scarlett Johansson doesn’t like having her picture taken when she’s not on the set of a movie. She has a huge butt, a gut, a stupid tattoo, and she still wears a juvenile nose ring. If her work out plans calls for her to look like a pear, then it’s working.