Lindsay Lohan won’t be charged with any felonies. The Los Angeles district attorney says that Lindsay did not possess the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing. What’s the threshold for the cocaine found in her blood taken at the hospital after her DUI accident? Here’s more:

The charges are seven misdemeanors — NO FELONIES. And, there may be a plea bargain today at 1:30 PM PDT.

Lindsay had a .12 blood alcohol level on her second arrest and a .15 on her first. The legal limit is .08, but the DA still didn’t think twice legal limit twice was enough for a felony, and found room in his heart of gold to have pity for Lindsay:

In deciding whether to file felony cocaine charges, the D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan’s case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age — 21 — and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable — also worked in her favor.

Sounds like the DA had a lot of excuses for not charging Lindsay with a felony. I guess we should all give Lindsay a break, after all, she’s only become a millionaire, lived the American dream in the spotlight, had the same crappy parents as the rest of us, and so she deserves to get a slap on the wrist for committing seven misdemeanors, and at least one felony that isn’t important enough to file. Saddam Hussein could have immigrated to Los Angeles after the war broke out in Iraq, and made the same claims as Lindsay, and his crimes probably would have got him less time in jail than Paris Hilton. I’m all for bringing back the old days where an angry crowd gets wind of a rumor like celebrities aren’t treated like average folk, so they drag a few out to the old oak tree and string’em up with a sign on their chest that says, "poor little rich girl/boy."

OK! magazine says that Linsday Lohan may have bought beer at a Utah grocery store last night:

This morning on Utah’s 97.1 FM, an anonymous called to report a Lindsay Lohan sighting. But unlike recent outings to Target for sunglasses or to the gym to work out, this time the beleaguered actress was seen purchasing alcohol! According to the caller, Lindsay, 21, and a large, older gentleman, possibly a bodyguard, entered a Maverik convenience store in Orem, Utah, last night (Aug. 21) and purchased some Miller Lite. When approached by fans for an autograph, Lindsay’s companion replied, "This is not a good time."

Lindsay was surrounded by, and followed by the paparazzi who would have gladly bought the beer for her, and said nothing, so this story is B.S. Wait a minute, wasn’t one of the paps a large older gentleman? Is he the same one who had his pants around his ankles, and a blond pony tail bobbing in and out of his crotch, minutes before he bought that beer? If you call a radio station claiming a cocaine loving celebrity bought a rot gut beer like Miller Lite, then you just might be a red neck, or you might just be the next witness for the prosecution in Lindsay’s DUI case.

Lindsay Lohan has arranged for OK! magazine to do a photo shoot with her while she is in rehab at the Cirque Lodge detox center in Sundance, Utah. OK! is promoting the shots as if they just caught Lindsay acting naturally, but they’re not. Here’s more:

In one perfectly posed shot, a demure Lohan, her hair pulled tightly back, is reading "Alcoholics Anonymous," AA’s 164-page "Big Book," which mixes personal stories of redemption with a description of how the program works. "She really is taking it seriously," OK! Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens said. "She’s replacing L.A. and smoking with yoga and reading." And, Ivens said, "she hasn’t looked this good in years."

Lohan spends her days writing in a journal, soaking up "spiritual classes" and working shifts at Smith’s, a nearby supermarket, where her earnings go to a local charity, the magazine said. If that gets too blue collar for her, a source said Cirque offers "equine therapy, where patients care for horses to help them with issues of trust. She’s been really worried about the influence she’s having on her little sister Ali (13)," Ivens said.

"That’s why this time she’s determined to sort herself out, because she doesn’t want her Ali to grow up and suffer the same things she’s suffered."

Lindsay’s brother and sister visited her in rehab, but not in rehab. They all went shopping at a grocery for…I’m not really sure since Lindsay just walked around talking on the phone, and there were no rehab escorts in site. Yeah, apparently the rehab staff trust Lindsay enough to let her out by herself, and with her brother and sister who could have easily brought Lindsay a little something from mom to make rehab easier. Maybe now she’ll stop trying to suck the cocaine residue out of all the new patients. I noticed all the patients get bandannas when they go rafting, but they might want to wear those self inflating life preservers somewhere other than their head.

The New York Daily News said yesterday that Lindsay Lohan is spending her time in rehab daydreaming about reviving her music … umm … "career" (?). Rush and Malloy say:

Insiders say Lohan has let Universal Music execs know she’s ready to deliver the third album she owes. But do they want it?

Guided by Casablanca label head Tommy Mottola, Lohan recorded the 2004 CD "Speak," which sold a respectable 1.6 million copies here and abroad. Her 2005 followup, "A Little More Personal," did more than 600,000 units.

Mottola had been after Lohan to get back into the studio, but she didn’t have time with all the movies she was making. Then came her two DUI arrests and a charge of cocaine possession. Amid reports that insurance companies were afraid to bond her pictures, her schedule freed up.

But lately, relations between Mottola and Lohan are said to have cooled. (He didn’t return our calls.) And others at Universal Music are approaching her cautiously.

"As much as she wants to make another album," says one insider, "the feeling is she needs to get herself cleaned up. Then we can talk about it."

For an industry that prides itself on sex, drugs, and violence, they do have a bottom line which involves making money. Lohan’s first record was due to her previous success as a child actress, the second dropped to about 1/3 of the first album’s sales. Lohan’s third album would probably sell as many as Paris Hilton. Lohan’s movies don’t make money either. Lohan should just give up on Hollywood and join the circus where she fits in.

Yesterday Michael and Dina Lohan came to an agreement in their divorce:

Though the terms of the agreement were not disclosed, state Supreme Court Justice Robert A. Ross reportedly told the Lohans, ‘You have both demonstrated to me extraordinarily good judgment in resolving this matter as you did.’ Despite today’s events, the Lohans will be in family court on Sept. 6 to determine a custody and visitation agreement for their underage children, 13-year-old Aliana and 11-year-old Dakota.

I feel for the judge. Imagine trying to decide between Dina who has been pictured drinking and doing drugs with Lindsay, and Michael who has been in jail for the past 2 years on a DUI charge. He might as well give the kids to a pack of wolves. I guess it could be worse. The kids could have been raised by Jihad loving parents, who strap bomb belts on the kids and tell them to go out and make them proud.

When Lindsay was at Promises she went roller blading and bicycling on the beach, then relapsed only 11 days later. Now she’s at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah where she stays busy by hiking, bicycling, and whitewater-rafting. On August 16 she went for a 90-minute bike ride around Orem, and the next day she went rafting on the Provo River dressed in a pirate bandanna. She was also seen shopping at an Abercrombie and Fitch store and at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory where she picked up $70 worth of chocolates.

If you didn’t know Lindsay was a drunk and a drug addict in need of rehab, you might get the justified impression that Promises and Cirque Lodge were either summer camps or spas. They probably smoke pot around the camp fire, and eat pot brownies all day, to keep their clients more relaxed during their stay. At a real rehab they’d lock you in your room after searching it, wake you up with a fire hose, lock you in a box for 2 days in the hot sun outside if you misbehave, make you exercise, and learn how to take care of yourself during difficult circumstances, like trying to make it out of a swamp filled with poisonous snakes and no water or food for a week. That hat Lindsay is wearing should say "fake."

Allure Magazine used Photoshop to create the illusion that Britney Spears is still hot. She is a mom with two kids, has been banged by countless guys, drinks fattening Starbucks frappuccinos like water, leaves a trail of Cheeto cheese dust everywhere she goes, has chunks of cottage cheese on her thighs, smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, was voted most likely to relapse in rehab, and the Allure readers are supposed to believe Britney still looks like she did before she had kids. Next they’ll be saying those pictures of UFOs are all real too.