Rebecca Loos is Coming to America

Rebecca Loos is the Nanny that David Beckham had a very sexual affair with. Loos has announced she is coming to America. VH1, MTV, or some network need to rent a house for this slut right next to David’s house. Then air a reality show that has the Loos Nanny trying to steal David from Victoria Beckham. The fight for David would get so bloody they’d have to bring troops back from Iraq just to bring the Loos-Beckham conflict to an end.

Tila Tequila Gets a Bi-Dating Show on MTV

Without having done porn, yet, Tila Tequila is by far the most popular self declared Internet slut. She has over 2 million MySpace friends. Now she’s taking it up a notch, or down below the belt, with her new show on MTV that will include a lot of girls slobbering all over each other. Tila says:

That’s right everyone! I am soooo excited! This is what I have been keeping top secret for soooo long! My new reality show on MTV will be like NO OTHER SHOW ON TELEVISION HISTORY!

…the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? So on my new reality show there will be 16 male contestants and 16 female contestants all fighting for my love….GUYS AGAINST GIRLS….WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????

This show would better if people could call in to vote like on American Idol. I can’t wait to see the behind the scenes show, where everyone who had sex with Tila is in a clinic getting treated for an STD on their crotch, and tongue. I don’t want to burst Tila’s bubble, but another show on STDs and unsafe sex isn’t "television history." They show those on PBS all the time, without the bikinis, pillows, and oil wrestling.

The Donald Wants Britney, LiLo, and Paris For Celebrity Apprentice

In some train-wreckalicious reality TV news, Page Six is reporting that The Donald is trying to enlist the whore corps for "Celebrity Apprentice."

The Donald tells Page Six he’s talking with Britney Spears about appearing on his upcoming "Celebrity Apprentice," and that Paris Hilton has also expressed an interest in being scrutinized by the mega-mogul. He’s also planning to call Lindsay Lohan this week to see if she’d be willing to try to salvage her plummeting career on the show.

"We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it?" Trump told Page Six. "We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a [bleep]ing mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great." Hilton, he adds, "wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it."

And Lohan? "Another [bleep]ing mess. We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would a positive thing for her to do . . . for all of them," he says.

Seriously, this has to happen. Can’t you just picture it? Paris would spend the whole time trying to promote the sequel to her sex tape, "One Night In Paris And All I Got Was This Lousy Case of Herpes." Britney would be pimping an energy drink for kids. Baby Bull, Y’all! And Lindsay would just drink herself into oblivion and, when the Donald tells her she’s fired, she’ll run him over with a golf cart and blame it on some poor Production Assistant.

Kim Kardashian To “Star” in Reality Show on E!

Reality Train Wreck Alert: TMZ is reporting that Kim Lard-Azz-ian will pimp herself some more by doing a reality show on E!.

The booty-full Kim Kardashian is set to star in a new reality TV show for E! that will replace "The Simple Life," reports Gatecrasher. The network was originally going to develop a show similar to "Life" starring rock celebuspawn Kim Stewart and Kelly Osborne, but canned it in favor of a family-oriented show about the Kardashian clan. The show would feature Kimmy’s entire crew, including mom Kris, step-daddy Bruce Jenner and mimbo step-bro Brody Jenner.

As if we haven’t seen enough of Brody Jenner these days trying to get in the pants of every girl on "The Hills." And did they really just use the word "family-oriented" in the same sentence as Kim Kardashian? Really? Have we not all seen her sex tape with Ray-J? Next thing we know, Nickelodeon will be asking Paris Hilton to host a kids show entitled "Things That Go Bump In the Night."

Paula Abdul is Like a Narcoleptic Tyrant

Paula Abdul is surrounded by assistants and stylists and, according to Page Six, she runs a tight ship.

"There’s a salon chair in her house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She’ll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she’s on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she’ll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn’t done yet. All hell breaks loose."

Abdul’s rep said, "There’s no alarm that I’ve ever seen."

This is what should be made into a reality show. It would be a nail biter!!

Can you imagine the heart-pounding, brow-sweat countdown for the poor makeup guy? Holding her pharmaceutically leaden eyelids open to apply mascara, he likely has one eye on the timer and one eye watching for a tell-tale flicker right before Paula startles awake and starts choking him.

Maybe we’re devious, but we’re thinking that resetting the timer while she’s asleep might be a strategy. In her drugged up state, she’s not going to remember.

Or, they could try shaking that Abdul munchkin upside down by her ankles and demanding more time for each morning’s Herculean makeover.