Jenna Jameson Loses Two Giant Body Parts

Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson is hanging up her whips, chains, and black mamba vibrators. According to Us Magazine, her retirement will include other business pursuits, such as a Hollywood biopic, a comic book and a clothing line, which are due out next year. The next phase of her life also includes downsizing, as the adult film star had her breast implants removed a few weeks ago. She probably has to wear ankle weights just to keep from flying away.

Here is part of her interview with Us:

On why she had her implants removed:
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

I’m thinking that the mirror in Jenna’s home must be like one of those weird distorted circus mirrors that makes you look totally different than you actually appear. Scarlett Johansson, Rachel McAdams, and Sienna Miller? I mean, I’d like Angelina Jolie to play me in my biopic, but I’d also like a million dollars and Santa Claus to be real. But then I wake up.

Jenna Jameson Can’t Fill Out a Bikini

Jenna Jameson doesn’t swallow anymore, which explains her severe weight loss. Now all she’s good for is Halloween porn, playing a skeleton who feels like a cheese grater. Looking at her makes me all sad inside, kinda like when my blow up doll of Jenna deflated after my dog got a hold of her. Plus my doll jumped around, and made some of the same poses and facial expressions Jenna is making here, when the air was escaping. If she gets any skinnier Angelina Jolie is gonna try to adopt her.

Denise Richards Wants Charlie Sheen to Donate Sperm

Despite being divorced and embroiled in a nasty custody dispute, Charlie Sheen says Denise Richards wanted him to donate sperm to her so she could have a third child. Here’s more:

"There was a request for a (sperm) donation. Without getting into it here … there is a specific document relating to this that I am going to reserve for a court."

His response:

"I would sooner, in exactly what I’m wearing, walk on the surface of the moon. Does that answer it?"

When Charlie says he has proof you have to consider his past. He once planned to fake the death of a porn star so he could marry her (1), and he used to date a transsexual (2), and he’s been arrested five times for drug possession, soliciting prostitutes and credit card fraud (3), and he shot Kelly Preston in the arm (4). Sure he’s an American hero for shooting Kelly Preston, I mean who wouldn’t want to? Still those documents could have been forged by his friends at the F.B.I., who owe him for helping them bring down a tranny sex ring that could have implicated everyone in congress.

R. Kelly Finally Going to Trial

Almost 10 years after the crime took place, R. Kelly (does the R stand for rapist?) will finally go on trial to face 14 counts of child pornography. In 2002, the Chicago Sun Times exposed a sex tape Kelly made with a girl who was then 14 years old. The tape featured various sex acts, including Kelly peeing on the girl. Kelly denies he is the man in the tape, and the girls parents have said the girl in the tape is not their daughter.

This would not be the first time Kelly has faced such charges. In January of 2003 he was indicted on 12 counts of possession of child pornography in Florida when authorities found a digital camera containing three pictures showing Kelly having sex with two underage girls. Those charges were later dropped because of an illegal search. Kelly also, of course, married singer Aaliyah when he was 27 and she was 15. But about this case, E! says:

A Chicago judge has announced Sept. 17 as the start date for the trial. The case has dragged on as prosecutors and defense attorneys sparred over various issues, including the timeline when the X-rated home movie was made, and which evidence was admissible. In the interim, the "I Can Believe I Can Fly" crooner has released seven albums, including Double Up in May, and continued to tour.

It’s clear The Man is setting up this fine upstanding black man. It’s all a racist conspiracy. The white one-armed man is the one humping, and peeing on, that 14 year-old girl in the video.

Holly Hunter Interviewed by Air Head Merry Miller

Holly Hunter was interviewed by Merry Miller from ABC News in the video above. Merry can barely speak complete sentences, and sounds at times like a robot, and others times as if she has no clue what is going on. Holly probably thought she was getting punked, and really tried to continue to be professional. I don’t know how Merry got her name or her job, but I suspect it’s the same way porn stars convince directors to give them a part in their movie. Looks like ABC is trying to "tart it up" just like CBS.