How did we not know about this?

Oh yeah, because we stopped paying attention after Mariah Carey morphed into a cartoon of herself. Blaming the failure of Glitter on September 11th. Getting spray-on tans made of real gold. Posing in evening gowns with homeless guys.

That Mariah is making another movie and, frankly, we’re shocked that we weren’t aware of this celluloid threat looming on the horizon before it reached post-production. Guess it’s too late now to gather the villagers and pitchforks.

Her character’s name in this one? Krystal. That’s right! With a "K."

Mariah making movies is like every fantasy role-playing game we played as bored and precocious 8-year-olds, except nobody filmed it, we didn’t have that "aspiring-stripper" bent, and we had to be home before the streetlights came on.

But, wait! Page Six says that early reviews are good.

Word from the set is she’s "really, really good" in it – "It might be the cinema equivalent to the Red Sox winning the World Series," we’re told.

Nice try, anonymous producer-type who stands to make at least a little money if we’re dumb enough to fork over $8 opening weekend.

Now our dander is up. We know the Red Sox, Ms. Carey, and you’re no Boston Red Sox.

Miss April 1989 was arrested over the weekend on an alleged DUI. Oberlin, Ohio police pulled over Jennifer Lyn Jackson and found beer bottles, marijuana, and rolling papers in her car. 

The former bunny managed to blow .077 on the breathalyzer, just sneaking under the state’s .08 limit. That’s like passing with a D minus grade. Not great, but passing nonetheless.

Jackson is pleading not guilty and will appear in court next week. You think Heff will still hire some good lawyers for her?

It’s time to get to know Hugh Hefner real up close and personal as his lifestyle is set to hit the big screen.

The film’s title is the name of his girly magazine, will be directed by Brett Ratner whose done Rush Hour movies and X-Men: The Last Stand. The 81-year-old playboy sold the rights to his story several years ago to producer, Brian Grazer who won a Oscar Best Picture for ‘A Beautiful Mind’ in 2002.

“Hef came from a puritanical upbringing and reinvented himself to be the godfather of the sexual revolution,” Ratner told Daily Variety, which reported the deal Monday.

The movie includes Hefner’s sexual indulgences (of course!) and using his magazine for freedom of speech and advocate cival rights in the 1960s.

Reality TV star Heidi Montag reportedly says she was asked by Playboy to show off her breast augmentation in their magazine.

Her manager/boyfriend Spencer Pratt told In Touch Weekly that "They’ve offered her "1 million to be in the magazine."

Playboy representative Lauren Melone completely squashed that statement by saying they "wouldn’t pay $1 million." Would they pay 2 cents?

Ouch! Heidi would be better off trying to sell nude photos on Ebay.

Anna Nicole Smith’s half sister Donna Hogan, a 40-something Texas housewife who never met Anna, wants to become Anna:

"A few years ago, Playboy approached me and I almost agreed to do it. But I was too chicken. My boobs weren’t big enough," Hogan tells Steppin’ Out’s Chaunce Hayden. "But now, if Playboy called, I would probably do it. I just had a birthday and I’m going to treat myself to new boobs. I just want to get my body to where I want it and I’ll be ready to step in and do it . . . You’ll definitely see a transformation in the next year."

no nO NO! Just ignore her and maybe she’ll go away. It’s so hard though when these people are such freaks. Hogan might not realize that Playboy doesn’t want her anymore now that her half sister is dead, and Hogan is nearing an estimated 300 pounds. Was everyone in this family born crazy?