The picture speaks for itself.

It’s like they forgot to give Katie Holmes her sedative that morning and she’s come out of the fog at the most inopportune moment.

She is looking at him, with his weird Dieter haircut, as if seeing Tom Cruise the way the rest of us have for the last two years. Hallelujah!

We’ve seen that look before. And just look at Nicole Kidman now!

Let’s hope Katie keeps hiding those morning "vitamins" under her tongue and saving them up to drug the guard and escape.

Don’t forget Suri!

Yes. That’s the story. Michelle Williams has put on a brave face and some f-me pumps.

According to Page Six:

The stunning mother of 23-month- old daughter Matilda sported super high heels for a night out with the girls Sunday. "She looked gorgeous with her sleek bob and seemed happy," said one onlooker. "She was definitely showing it off."

We all wish her well, don’t we? Especially considering she has Heath Ledger’s spit-and-image mini-me to care for day in and day out.

And while we don’t doubt she’s making the rounds with a supportive group of friends, it’s hard to believe that she "seemed happy." Who was that mysterious onlooker? Michelle’s publicist? Her mother?

Because, really folks, when was the last time you saw a picture of Michelle looking anything other than bored, boring, miserable? Smiling? Rarely.

Though, maybe her misery was Heath-related all along.

Now, in addition to hitting Brooklyn bars, she’s probably celebrating with a fun new life filled with ice cream for breakfast, skydiving, laughter, carnies, and 6-inch-high red-soled Christian Louboutins.

We really wanted to entitle this post "Nicole Kidman, Fool, Was In A Rush to Marry After Escaping Her Unholy Union with Tom Cruise" but we feared that it might not be the best search-engine-appropriate headline.

And that we might spark the ire of an unnamed, wee-yet-litigious man.

Oh! And that we might sound too much like Mr. T.

So, the story, according to Page Six, is that Nicole Kidman reveals in her Vanity Fair interview that she was "secretly engaged" to a man she won’t name in between the end of her contract marriage to Mr. Tom Cruise and before she married Aussie country crooner Keith Urban.

But our sources say he was Lenny Kravitz. "They were even house-hunting together for a while," a spy said. A representative for Kravitz said, "I cannot confirm or deny it." A rep for Kidman said, "I don’t know."

So there you have it…unsubstantiated, yet highly likely…and not nearly as interesting as the picture on the cover.

Come on. Secretly engaged for a short time? That’s like being almost pregnant. Half the kids in school can claim that.

We can only tell that this is Lindsay Lohan and not Dina Lohan because we’ve seen other pictures of her in this dress. Which reminds us that we need to make a note, if you’re going to parade all over town, showing off the newest in scofflaw monitoring, you might want to think about shoes compatible with your anklet.

Is anyone else concerned about Firecrotch’s premature aging? She could easily pass for 35 and the "Coca-Cola" isn’t helping. You don’t really believe it’s just soda in that can, do you?

We know that the ankle bracelet is an alcohol-sensor thingee. But, c’mon, that thing is completely voluntary — a ploy conjured up to reassure the public and potential employers that Lindsay’s appearances at parties and whirlwind jaunts to Las Vegas in no way indicate that she isn’t serious about her sobriety.

She’s serious, see! She’s wearing an ankle bracelet!

Oh…you want to see the reports? Er…

Will Paris Hilton’s suffering never end??

The only ones who seem surprised to learn that Hilton received special treatment in jail seem to be members of the Sheriff’s Department Union.

MSNBC reports that the union members’ inquiries sparked an investigation that was opened Thursday.

The internal probe will examine whether the hotel heiress was given free access to a cordless phone instead of being forced to wait in line to use a pay phone at certain hours, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said.

Also under scrutiny are claims Hilton received a new jail uniform instead of the recycled ones given to many inmates and that her mail was delivered by a captain instead of inmate trusties, Whitmore said.

But, wait, didn’t Paris even draw a picture for TMZ of her sad self, waiting by the pay phone? Let’s hope they log that as "evidence" that she did suffer just as much as everyone else. Bologna sandwiches and freezing cells, kind guards, but no special treatment. That’s the party line at the Hilton camp.

If just one of these guards had managed to take a cell-phone pic of Paris on the potty and shared the proceeds with the other union members, there wouldn’t be an investigation.