Britney Spears is like a tornado of bad news that is quickly becoming an F-5 Hurricane big enough to bring down a small third world country. Here’s a summary:

BRITNEY IS DRUNK AND NAKED – Another shocking revelation: “She drinks in front of the kids,” one former staffer says of Spears. “At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry. But she’d inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies would take care of the kids.” And multiple sources confirm Spears’ exhibitionist streak: “She’ll strip down in front of staff, nannies, whomever,” says one. “She’ll ask, ‘Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?’ She’s extremely insecure.”

BRITNEY IS GAY – Britney’s quick tryst with Matt Encinias made headlines, but the music-video extra wasn’t the real target of Brit’s affection that night. OK! has learned that Britney spent the evening topless, nuzzling up to her former assistant Shannon Funk! “Instead of hooking up with him, [Shannon] ended up back in Brit’s room and bed,” a source tells OK!. Britney has been experimenting with girls since her teen years. She even put the moves on porn queen Jenna Jameson. “Jenna told me that Britney hit on her and that she hooks up with girls,” says adult-movie actress Tera Patrick.

BRITNEY TELLS HER KIDS THEY WERE MISTAKES – “She makes out with men in front of the boys, refuses to change their diapers, puts whitening strips on their teeth.”

BRITNEYS BODYGUARD AND EX ASSISTANT SERVED – Shannon Funk was served late Tuesday night at the airport in Long Beach, Calif. Also on the list was the singer’s bodyguard Daimon Shippen, who was served late Monday night as he was getting out of his car in Santa Monica, Calif. Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is behind the subpoenas, which will be used to compel those close to Spears to discuss her parenting style.

BRITNEY WILL OPEN THE VMAs – one of the worst kept secrets is that Britney will perform at the MTV Video Music awards on September 9th in Vegas.

BRITNEY AND K-FED DIVORCE DOCUMENTS MAY OR MAY NOT STAY SEALED – The divorce and custody papers of KFed and Brit are currently sealed and not available to the public and their lawyers want to keep it that way. However, People Magazine and other outlets will ask the court to make these documents public on September 14th. They feel these records should be made public since they are public figures. The custody hearing will take place on September 17th.

If the press is writing headlines like these about you…you just might be a redneck. Oh, and Britney should be insecure. 1) She’s not pretty. 2) She’s not sexy. 3) She’s an alcoholic. 4) She’s a whore. 5) She doesn’t have a shred of talent anymore. 6) She doesn’t have a shred of credibility or decency anymore. 7) People hate her, and yet she still made the cover of Allure with the help of Photoshop…in my opinion.

Rumer Willis, 18-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, was caught in the middle of a drug arrest.

"Access Hollywood" reports that Rumer was in a Maryland hotel room where police busted a man for marijuana possession after hotel guests complained about noise. Willis was one of four people in the room. She was not arrested, nor was she being investigated.

Rumer’s in Maryland making an indie film called "From Within."

Just last month, Bruce Willis told People magazine that he and Demi talked to their kids about drugs, saying, "We have an ongoing conversation. They have the gene, and we warn them: ’You have a predisposition to be an alcoholic.’ It’s on her side of the family and mine. It’s something to be aware of. My kids are strongly anti-drug."

Rumer doesn’t seem like the pot smoking type, but she also doesn’t seem like the type to put a condom in her mouth. She does want attention, so anything could happen.

People magazine has released excerpts of their Paris Hilton "exclusive" cover story.

Delusional Paris quotes from the article include this assessment of her own character:

"I’m a good person. I’m a compassionate person. I have a big heart. I’m sincere, and they’ll see."

Her description of the "medical condition" that resulted in her short-lived re-assignment to home detention:

"I was basically in the fetal position, basically in hysterics … and having severe anxiety and panic attacks."

And an explanation for her rapid jailhouse conversion, and a heart-warming recollection of her social life in the big house:

"There was a nun who works at the jail for all the ladies, and she would come every day and we would pray," she said. "There were girls next to me. … We could talk through the vents and they were just really sweet."

That poor devoted Sister. All that work with the convicts and daily reading of the Word for three-and-a-half weeks, yet Paris couldn’t think of one favorite Bible passage for Larry King last night.

Trying to help Paris during that uncomfortable pause, we feebly shouted a suggestion to the TV screen.

Jesus wept! Jesus wept!

Jesus wept, indeed.

One tab shuns her, another puts her on the cover in an "exclusive."

People wasted no time getting Paris Hilton photographed and interviewed. It’s reported that Paris sat for the photo shoot Tuesday, mere hours after being released from the pokey.

You’ve got to think that the interview with Larry King tonight will take some of the wind out of the "exclusive" — which will hit newsstands over the next few days.

Page Six is reporting that Angelina Jolie’s denial of involvement in and apology for the restrictions placed on the press during the premiere of A Mighty Heart were disingenuous. Shocker!

But tipsters tell Page Six that Jolie went on to ban some entertainment weeklies, including Us Weekly and Life & Style, from speaking to her at the film’s junket on Friday at the Waldorf-Astoria – only deigning to allow access to OK! and her reliable ally, People magazine, which is inclined to swallow her p.r. hook, line and sinker.

Over the past few years, People has paid Jolie millions for the rights to publish photos of her and Brad Pitt’s various kids, which she gave to charities, upping her positive publicity.

Did anyone really believe Jolie when, during her interview with Jon Stewart, she disavowed knowledge of what her "people" were doing?

The guys who spoofed her appearance certainly didn’t. You can see Angelina’s entire Daily Show denial and the mocking of it