Because People Magazine has probably had about as much of an a$$ full of Britney and LiLo as the rest of us have, they found it newsworthy to feature some excerpts from Ashton Kutcher’s upcoming interview in Harper’s Bazaar…including this quote:

"Make sure the look isn’t too matchy-matchy," he cautions. "Your best bet is to match the man gear to that great new Balenciaga bag that you’re planning to carry. If your bag works with your outfit, so will he."

Ashton is probably Demi’s perfect accessory…every woman needs a good douchebag.

People Magazine has reported via her publicist that Bridget Moynahan is "thankful for a healthy baby and is excited about being a mother." She’s so thankful, she decided to forego making the wee one part of the Brady Bunch and, instead, chose to endow him with her own surname. The boy’s full name is John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Oh Shiznap! You just know Tom Brady is not happy about that.

I bet he went home and cried in Gisele Bundchen’s lap for…oh…about a minute. Then he realized that he’s a ridiculously rich, handsome NFL quarterback who is dating a smokin’ hot supermodel. Then he cracked a beer and turned on Sports Center.

Britney Spears was reported for not caring for her dog’s broken leg, but she’s been cleared. People Magazine reports:

The group’s Los Angeles branch “has received written confirmation from a veterinarian that Britney Spears’s dog London has received proper medical attention for a leg injury.” Questions were raised about the Yorkie’s condition on Friday, when SPCA president Madeline Bernstein confirmed to PEOPLE that officers attempted to contact the pop singer after receiving complaints that London was in a cast or had broken its leg and had not received proper care. “Over the past day or two we started receiving phone calls and e-mails from people that were concerned about the dogs” in Spears’s care, Bernstein said.

No one thought to ask HOW the dog’s leg was broken? It didn’t seem out of the ordinary that the Vet note was written in crayon, since Britney always writes in crayon or magic markers, and it was signed by Michael Vick. We’ll see if the court accepts the same note to settle the child abuse and neglect claims.

Hayden Panettiere is featured in the latest “Got Milk?” ad. She told People Magazine:

"You don’t have to be a hero to feel invincible. That’s why I drink milk," she says in the ads, part of a campaign to get teens to drink three glasses of low-fat or fat-free milk a day.

An exploding glass of a milky white substance in Hayden’s 18 year-old hand, and a milky white substance mustache. Let the Pedo fantasies comense. I’d like to thank the milk industry for making my milk fantasy a reality.

People Magazine is reporting that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden might have taken one more step toward making themselves a legitimate family. No bastard sons allowed!

After a late Friday night performance with his band Good Charlotte at the Hot 99.5 Lil’ Black Dress Party hosted by Perez Hilton at the Clarendon Ballroom in Arlington, Va., Madden was walking offstage when Hot 99.5 morning show deejay Kane announced to the crowd, "He got engaged yesterday. Congratulations, Joel!"

To that, Madden quickly glanced back over his shoulder but was otherwise unresponsive as he made a hurried exit from the stage behind brother Benji.

"We heard this morning," Kane told PEOPLE following Good Charlotte’s 40-minute set. Crediting he got the word from "good sources," Kane said he hadn’t seen Richie since hearing the news, but added he had offered his congratulations to Madden earlier in the night. "He said, ‘Thank you so much,’" recalled Kane.

"They’re very excited about the baby and the wedding. They want to keep their personal life personal," he added.

These two are becoming so boring. I guess we won’t be able to write anything juicy until the day they go to pop out the baby and it’s actually an Olsen twin.