In a story that is off the charts on the creepiness scale, Page Six is reporting that Pulitzer prize-winning author Robert Olen Butler sent out an email to colleagues yesterday to let them know that his wife is leaving him for billionaire Ted Turner.

"Put down your cup of coffee or you might spill it," Butler, 62, wrote to his graduate students and fellow professors at Florida State University in Tallahassee. "Elizabeth is leaving me for Ted Turner."

Elizabeth is Butler’s wife of 12 years, Elizabeth Dewberry, 44, an author in her own right, who might be attracted to Turner, 68, because the media mogul resembles the grandfather who molested her as a child, Butler writes in the shocking e-mail.

"She has spoken openly in her work and in her public life of the fact that she was molested by her grandfather from an early age, a molestation that was known and tacitly condoned by her radically Evangelical Christian parents," Butler wrote. "And it is very common for a woman to be drawn to men who remind them of their childhood abusers. Ted is such a man, though fortunately, he is far from being abusive."

However, Turner, who has been married three times, is hardly an ideal partner. "She will not be Ted’s only girlfriend. Ted is permanently and avowedly non-monogamous," Butler writes. "But though he has several girlfriends, it is a very small number, and he does not take them up lightly and he gives them his absolute support when he does."

Did he really warn his friends to put down their coffee for fear of spilling it? I’d have told them to get the puke bucket and a bottle of Tequila. I’m not sure where to start to even pick apart this story–the fact that her family condoned her being molested, the completely bizarre way this author decided to reveal the scandal to friends, or just the fact that Ted Turner is still having sex…with multiple women. The whole story makes me want to take a shower and scrub myself until I bleed.

Puff Diddy. Dim Witty. Whatever his name is. If his "good friend" Sienna Miller can’t keep it straight, why should we be expected to stay informed?

The rapper/producer/designer/entrepreneur/baby daddy formerly known as Sean "Puffy" Combs has recorded a new song because he is suffering. According to Page Six:

SEAN Combs is mining his heartbreak for artistic purposes. Having been dumped by the mother of three of his children, Combs has cut a song titled "Through the Pain . . . a k a Kim Porter," and a video that debuted Thursday on "106 & Park" on BET. Hip-hop Web site Sohh.com reports Combs created the music video as a response to Porter’s appearance on CNN discussing their breakup. "This is how he’s coming back," the site says. "Basically it’s like, ‘You’re putting me through hell.’

Is he kidding? So much for symbolism and mystery.

This is the musical equivalent of those badly written tragedy books the publishers churn out to quickly profit from the 24-hour-news culture. Or those Law & Order episodes, ripped from the headlines.

If he’s going to milk this for sympathy and dollars, he’d appeal to more of the public by being more honest with his obvious song titles.

Kim Porter, I Know I Did(died) You Wrong, But Damn Girl That Sienna is Hot!

(My Baby Mama Just Had Twins) Meet Me Out for Some Cristal

Or, he could rip off…er…."sample" Lionel Richie and sing something like Once, Twice, Three Times, My Babies…But I’ll Never Marry You

Encouraging your children to heed the sage advice of Ron Jeremy seems odd, but according to Page Six, he’ll soon be seen in a PSA intended to encourage kids to avoid pornography.

According to avn.com, the minute-long ad for a Christian group features the Hedgehog and his sidekick, a doll named "Pete the Porno Puppet," warning: "Don’t watch porn ’til you’re over 18 years of age. It’s for adults only."

Has there been a Hedgehog conversion? Have we missed some legal troubles? This smacks of the condition of some parole or something.

Regardless of the driving force, we’d love to see the efficacy data on this campaign.

Pete the Porno Puppet? That’s like having Joe Camel warn kids of the dangers of smoking. Or using the Sun Country Cooler Polar Bears eschewing alcohol and frolicking fun to promote spinach and homework.

Britney Spears allegedly got into a "shocking slapfest" with her mom last month that “left Lynne shaken and Britney more determined than ever to cut her mother out of her life for good.” Star reports via The Scoop:

“Lynne barged into the house and insisted on taking the kids out to spend some private time with them,” an insider told the tab. “She didn’t ask or suggest, she demanded!” says the insider. “Then she began denigrating Britney’s mothering skills and losing her temper at the same time!”

It was because of the cat fight that Spears served the legal papers against her mother, but the buzz is that Lynne Spears is mulling a countersuit. But she doesn’t completely blame her daughter – she believes the Toxic star is suffering from depression.

“Despite their problems, Lynne cares deeply for Britney and wants to find a way to help her,” a “friend” told Star. “She thinks antidepressant drugs may be the answer. Lynne feels Britney has severe depression issues, and they are in large part the cause of her apparent manic behavior and past problems with alcohol.”

First of all, this could only have been a slapfest if these two were oiled up, naked, and wearing high heels. Second, I blame Jamie Lynn for this. If she had just used the hide-a-key under the welcome mat to let herself in quietly instead of barging in, Britney wouldn’t have even noticed the kids were missing and this whole thing would never have happened. Next thing ya’know Britney and her mom will be on Jerry Springer, and her mom will annouce she’s pregnant with Kevin Federline’s baby.

Britney’s behavior is getting on the extreme end of the odd spectrum again, so a lot of people are asking if Britney is gonna just lose it again. Dr. Martin Pennington, a clinical psychologist, and Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist, analyzed Britney’s current behavior and compared it to her previous behavior. Here’s more:

Britney was flashing flesh before her first meltdown and now she’s doing it again. These days, she can be seen parading around Hollywood wearing sheer tops with brightly colored bras – that is, if she chooses to wear a bra at all. She has no problems going out in public looking like a tawdry scarecrow. "She’s saying ’I’m doing what I want to do when I want to do it,’" Dr. Pennington says of Spears.

Britney has once again dyed her horse hair dark – this does not bode well. If you’ll remember, she had dark locks before she grabbed the clippers to shave that mess off. "When Britney was blonder, she was ’good,’" says Ludwig, "Now she’s getting in touch with her ’darker’ side."

That’s not the craziest thing Britney’s done, this is. Page Six said today:

Nobody can control Britney Spears. Now she’s taken over as her own business manager and publicist. Though she’s still signed to Jive Records, a source told Page Six, "She is doing all of her own business now." Our spy saw Spears at Aspen on West 22nd Street yesterday afternoon "signing contracts" – possibly related to the recent deal she inked to open a Las Vegas club. The messy mother of two recently cut ties with her manager Larry Rudolf, her mother, and her publicist.

SHOCKING!!! Feel like half the month isn’t yours? Do premenstrual symptoms interfere with your relationships and daily activities? What you think is PMS may be a condition healthcare professionals call PMPD (Premenstrual Psychotic Disorder), a more severe group of symptoms that occur one to two weeks before a woman’s period, or in Britney’s case 4 out of 4 weeks every month.

Let me tell you, if Britney cried like that in the picture above during sex, that would really kill the mood, but I’d probably keep going.

Everyone in Britney’s life is going about controlling her in the wrong way. They don’t know Brit like I know Brit. You gotta get some fried chicken, tie a string to it, then tie the other end to a stick, then dangle it in front of Brit Brit, and she’ll go and do anything you tell her to just to get that fried chicken. With a single piece of chicken I could have Britney’s career back on track.

Rumor on the street is Britney Spears is rehearsing to make her big comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas this September. The VMAs will be held this year at the Palms Hotel, which is owned by the Maloof brothers, who claim they are close personal friends of Brit. Britney has already completed several tracks on her upcoming album, and is said to be itching and scratching to show one off. Finally they’re adding some comedy to the MTV VMAs.

Page Six asks: Which hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night.

Lindsay Lohan headed straight to Las Vegas to party after getting out of rehab. Her alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet doesn’t detect drugs like cocaine, which was reported to have been found in her blood after her DUI. Lindsay could do every other drug on the planet, except alcohol, and she’d still expect everyone to believe she’s clean and sober. Lindsay is a pig, and she loves to roll around in the mud.