We’d been sitting on the rampant Jessica Simpson dating rumors this week. They just didn’t smell right.

If one believes all the stories showing up in newspapers and online, she’s a busy little thing. Maybe that 5 Factor Diet gives her extra energy, in addition to leaving her super cut and steely.

This week alone we’ve got stories swirling that Dane Cook and Jess were seen canoodling at the Prince concert at the Hollywood Roosevelt.

Later, reports surfaced that at that same purple concert, she was seen romantically accompanied trainer to the stars Harley Pasternak, who is responsible for the fitness program cited for Simpson’s rapid physical transformation.

Now…the buzz about Jake Gyllenhaal and Jess having mutual crushes on each other is building to a crescendo with reports that they’re already in love, and that she visited him at the Beverly Wilshire a couple weeks ago.

Next thing you know there will be pregnancy claims or pending adoptions. Whatever it takes to divert our attention from the stench coming from Simpson’s rotting movie, Bombed…oops… Blonde Ambition.

What we actually smell is a rat.

A publicity-hound rat.

Around here, we call that spotlight-seeking rodent Papa Joe.

Wonder what’s next. A surprise reunion with John Mayer. How about tales of a threesome with Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo?

How did we not know about this?

Oh yeah, because we stopped paying attention after Mariah Carey morphed into a cartoon of herself. Blaming the failure of Glitter on September 11th. Getting spray-on tans made of real gold. Posing in evening gowns with homeless guys.

That Mariah is making another movie and, frankly, we’re shocked that we weren’t aware of this celluloid threat looming on the horizon before it reached post-production. Guess it’s too late now to gather the villagers and pitchforks.

Her character’s name in this one? Krystal. That’s right! With a "K."

Mariah making movies is like every fantasy role-playing game we played as bored and precocious 8-year-olds, except nobody filmed it, we didn’t have that "aspiring-stripper" bent, and we had to be home before the streetlights came on.

But, wait! Page Six says that early reviews are good.

Word from the set is she’s "really, really good" in it – "It might be the cinema equivalent to the Red Sox winning the World Series," we’re told.

Nice try, anonymous producer-type who stands to make at least a little money if we’re dumb enough to fork over $8 opening weekend.

Now our dander is up. We know the Red Sox, Ms. Carey, and you’re no Boston Red Sox.

Okay, so maybe "envied" is a bit of an exaggeration. But Rosie O’Donnell did tell this joke:

"I would have had more fun in prison than Paris."

Rosie has clearly seen too many "women in prison" B movies. Needless to say, a Rosie O’Donnell shower scene would be something most of us would rather miss.

Katie Holmes was witnessed heading into CAA, presumably for a meeting with her agents, and is rumored to be vying for a role in the movie version the musical "Nine."

As in nine-carat ring. Get a load of that honker!

As in nine-year contract.

As in not all pregnancies are nine months long.

This gossip post brought to you by the number nine…and Xenu.

P.S. Love the shoes, Kate. You show those agents who the boss lady is.

Sure, the color is nice, but this full-length, shiny, blue polka-dot dress looks out of place in the afternoon light.

Jessica Simpson was out and about with hairdresser Ken Paves, so we’ll assume she was in for a really fabulous evening to take her mind off things.

See, Papa Joe has pushed back the release of Simpson’s movie "Blonde Ambition"…again.

Rumors are swirling that it’s being delayed because it’s tres terrible.

Of course, the delay of the box-office stinker doesn’t explain her covering her belly with that garish handbag. Isn’t Simpson supposedly in the best shape of her life?

Honey, if you feel like you need to cover your stomach after everything you’ve been doing, the problem isn’t your bod.

It’s the shiny, unflattering dress. Ditch it!

Ditto for the not-so-shiny, unflattering films.