Kevin Federline attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan finally obtained an order forcing Britney Spears to swear on a bible she’ll tell the … um … truth, and nothing but the truth, for a deposition. I wish I could sit Britney down right now, and get her to start behaving like a responsible adult, and rebuild her public image. If she would hire someone to help with her image, it would go a very long way in helping her get a much better deal when the divorce is final.

Britney Spears did not show up for her 10 am deposition with Kevin Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. Here’s what I said would happen earlier today:

"This morning Britney has to be up bright and early so she can be deposed by Kevin Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan at 10 am. I expect Britney to be at least several hours late, or even give an illness, or some other excuse so the whole thing has to be rescheduled. Kaplan is patient, especially since Britney is paying Kevin’s legal bills."

Now here’s what actually happened:

“Approximately 10 minutes after her [Britney’s] council appeared they were notified that because of an illness or medical condition Ms. Spears would not appear today and consequently the deposition is not going forward.”

This is too easy. If it’s irresponsible, or against the law, it’s Britney b!tch. One source directly in contact with Britney said:

"There’s a million people outside of her house. She can see all the other madness (because she’s looking at live streaming video). The anxiety is making her sick. It’s just too crazy."

Britney doesn’t seem to mind the swarm of paparazzi any other time, so it’s probably just nerves. She has to face the music for her bad behavior. Kaplan said he will "seek relief from the court," which means he will get a court order to force Britney to show up. At the divorce trial the judge is supposed to be "objective," and "unbiased," but judges are human, and you just know Britney is going to get it worse than OJ Simpson when this is all over.

Watch Kaplan’s reaction in the video below.

Yesterday the Pet Store, Pets of Bel Air, that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, among others, frequented, was shut down by authorities after it was discovered they had been operating without a license for three years. The store had been accused of purchasing dogs from puppy mills in the midwest. They can reopen once they get their paperwork in order, just in time for Britney to fill another lonely void perhaps before Christmas.

This morning Britney has to be up bright and early so she can be deposed by Kevin Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan at 10 am. I expect Britney to be at least several hours late, or even give an illness, or some other excuse so the whole thing has to be rescheduled. Kaplan is patient, especially since Britney is paying Kevin’s legal bills.

The crazy of all crazies, French producer Phillippe Rebboah, wants Britney Spears to play the Virgin Mary in a new satire titled "Sweet Baby Jesus." The producer told Us Weekly he plans to shoot the film in March, and that Spears is "reviewing the script." Us reports: "Spears, 26, would play a pregnant 19-year-old unsure of her baby’s paternity who goes into labor on Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, Maryland, as rumors swirl that the birth is Jesus Christ’s second coming." Rebboah said, "I had to convince my partners, because they were like, ’Oh, no. Britney?’ But I thought it was brilliant."

First of all Britney won’t show up even if she signs a contract, second she’ll sleep through her performance. However, Britney would be convincing as a knocked up 19 year-old slut, who bags Jesus Christ of all people with her slutty seductive ways, but they’d have to up her age to more like 35 years-old to make it realistic. What this French producer didn’t mention was that Britney already tried to offend the Catholic church with pictures included in her latest album, but they didn’t really care, which means this movie would be just as much of a flop. Can’t these guys think of something better to do with their money, like a sleezy French skin flick?

Mark Vincent Kaplan, Kevin Federline’s lawyer, officially informed the judge at a hearing today that Britney Spears ran a red light with the kids in the car last week. Commissioner Gordon then entered an order prohibiting Britney from driving the kids in her car. She could hire a driver.

Reports are saying that Britney Spears went to Las Vegas for liposuction, and did the same thing back in April. All that Starbucks really adds up. Maybe she can turn that fat in and get a recycling fee at Starbucks to go towards more cups of fat. When people start rumors that you are getting lipo, they’re implying you’re fat and need to lose a few pounds. Hint hint hint. On the plus side another report saying Britney’s mom hired, not one but two Beverly Hills psychologists to treat her daughter. She really needs it. A friend said:

"They are trying to help Britney work through her issues, which seem to be growing by the day."

Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, may subpoena video of Britney running a red light while the kids were in the backseat. Britney’s attorney said:

"She was distracted. This was not blatant irresponsible driving on her part."

No one said it was "blatant irresponsible driving" except Britney’s lawyer. Now he has me thinking it is.