Britney Spears was so upset at losing physical custody yesterday of Sean Preston and Jayden James, after she turned them over to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard, she drove straight to Epitome, her favorite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. As she checked in a photographer knocked down a security guard, and while waiting for the police, more paparazzi fought each other. Britney then headed to the Van Nuys, California DMV, but was not issued a license. If the smile on Britney’s face is any indication of how she feels about losing her kids, she should be shopping, tanning, and clubbing nonstop. I haven’t seen her this happy since she found out Starbucks puts extra heavy whipped cream on everything she orders. Britney still faces charges of hit-and-run which carry up to one year in jail. Somehow Britney sees things as if she is Alice in Wonderland, where the paparazzi are the Queen of Hearts and her minions, the judge is the fat cat, and clubs are places where she can have spiked tea with her friends.

You literally heard it here first. That headline was an omen of what was to come. Today it’s official. Britney Spears was ordered by a Los Angeles court to turn over physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to their father Kevin Federline. TMZ reports:

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline’s powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan (left), raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver’s license…

… Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl’s Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed’s bodyguard three minutes later.

A source connected with the case says Spears was not focusing on the judge’s order last month, and she may not have attended the parenting classes or performed the required drug and alcohol testing.

Britney really earned this decision, so she can call it her own. The only surprise is that the judge didn’t turn the kids over to Federline a lot sooner. Only Britney would take the kids through the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru before turning them over. She probably only got herself something, cause momma hungry, momma gotta eat, baby no cry, make momma mad. Last week Britney cried as she left her first drug test. It’s possible she failed the test. Kevin’s lawyer pointed out that Britney has been charged with hit-and-run, plus driving without a valid license. Click here to see video of the accident. She filled out part of the paperwork at the DMV, but never completed it, so she has no license, and has been driving despite the charges, even on the day she turned the kids over.

Picture row 1: Over the weekend, Britney went out for Greek food at Taverna Toni in Malibu, but is too lazy to carry even one of her two kids she brought there. Do kids like Greek food?

Picture row 2: Pictures of Britney smashed white Mercedes which was obviously in an another car accident, after her black one which was involved in the hit-and-run accident. A second accident even though she shouldn’t even be driving.

Picture row 3 and 4: Over the weekend Britney went out for Mexican food, and looks like she may have brought a margarita home with her. Open alcohol containers are illegal in cars. Perhaps the judge saw these pictures too.

Picture row 5: Over the weekend, Britney takes her dog to Starbucks. Where are the kids?

Picture row 6 and 7: Last night about midnight Britney runs out of gas a second time, and the paparazzi have to fill’er up, again. Then she shops at Ralph’s. What is she doing out at midnight when she has the kids at home for the weekend?

The judge probably knows about all of this, and is finally, I mean FINALLY forcing Britney to be responsible for her actions. Don’t forget about Britney’s former bodyguard who submitted a declaration about Britney’s bad behavior. She was even banned from the Chateau Marmont for smearing food all over her face. What is it going to take for Britney to start acting like an adult? The judge is her daddy now, and he’s finally showing Britney some tough love. First Britney lost her car keys, then her husband, then her mind, and now her kids.

TMZ posted this pic of Baywatch babe (?) Pam Anderson partying at a beach house in Malibu on Sunday. She looks like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet…and sticky. When fellow guests tried to hose her down, she thought it was an impromptu wet t-shirt contest. In reality, it was just an attempt to keep her from sticking to the furniture.

I want to be Jessica Biel’s friend. When most people get pregnant, the baby shower entails baby name games, white cake, and what’s supposed to be a hilarious fake poopy diaper filled with melted Hershey bars. According to 24/Sizzler, a recent Jessica Biel sighting proves that she takes a more unconventional route. More about the sighting:

Jessica Biel hosting a Mexican-themed baby shower for her friend and production partner Michelle Purple on Saturday at the LG Malibu Beach House. Shirtless cabana boys served Mexican fare, including tacos and quesadillas. Plus, Jessica arranged for male strippers to entertain party-goers!

If her baby showers are this racy, what does she do when she throws a bachelorette party? Send everyone home with a bottle of Dom and a male hooker? Yep, I gotta meet Jessica.

Apparently Jenna Jameson has gone on the Nicole Richie diet of air, air, and more air…with an occasional diet coke. This is what she looked like for a photo shoot in Malibu on Monday. It’s just sad when you consider that she used to look fairly healthy, as in the photo below. She will definitely have to find a new profession, as she would crack in half if she tried to do a porn flick at this point.

The rumor around town is that Jenna wants Scarlet Johannson to play her in an upcoming biopic but, looking like this, she might want to target Courtney Love.