Paris Hilton Makes Drunks Angry

Oktoberfest is kicking off in Germany, and they have already banned Paris Hilton from the event, but she showed up anyway. Here’s more:

Locals were outraged when the socialite, 26, arrived at the beer festival in plaits and traditional Bavarian dress to advertise a brand of canned wine. They accused organizers of selling out and making the event, which kicks off again this weekend, look shabby. Munich tourism chief Gabriele Weishaeupl announced yesterday that celebrity promotions “are completely prohibited by the new festival rules”.

In a way Paris didn’t break the rules, because she’s not really a celebrity, anymore. It’s hard to imagine that anyone could "cheapen" an event that consists of drinking, puking, sex in the bushes, and public urination, but organizers said she does, and they should know. I’m not surprised Paris showed up even though she was told to stay away, but I am surprised Paris was not hanging off OJ Simpson’s arm as he left jail in Las Vegas so she could get some face time with the cameras.

Paris is still trying to promote herself to saint status, so she wants to give away clothes to children’s charities. Here’s more:

"I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I’m going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children’s hospitals. I never wear something twice."

I don’t know many children that are 5’ 8" tall, and have a size 12 men’s shoe size. Kids with cancer get sick from bugs normal people don’t, so they might want to burn any clothes from Paris that have STD fluids on them, which means all of them.

O.J. Simpson Police Suspect in Robbery

O.J. Simpson and five guys reportedly broke in to a hotel room in Las Vegas last evening, and took, by gun point, the suit O.J. was acquitted of murder in, and an NFL jersey that he believed was his. Simpson told a court in Florida he could not attend a bankruptcy case because he would be out of town, which must have meant Las Vegas. Police have questioned Simpson and released him.

Who were these five guys helping him? I already know. It’s not like it’s a secret. Who would help Simpson, even though most people believe he murdered his ex-wife? Think about it. All of the five guys that helped O.J. Simpson were also raped by their ex-wives in divorce court. America has a 70% divorce rate, and divorced guys are in and out of Las Vegas every day. The police shouldn’t even try to find these guys, they should just find their ex-wives. I’ll bet those guys’ ex-wives are watching the news right now saying, "That’s my ex-husband, that stupid m*ther f**ker. He hasn’t changed a bit." Find the ex-wives, and you’ll find the five guys. With O.J., the police already know he did it, just like last time.

Update:

O.J. Simpson is denying that he broke into a casino hotel room in Las Vegas.

He tells The Associated Press that he went to the room to get memorabilia that belonged to him, but he says he didn’t break in.

Simpson says he was conducting a "sting operation" to collect his belongings when he was escorted into the room at the Palace Station casino.

How did he conduct a “sting operation?” Is O.J. a cop now?

Britney Spears Was on Drugs at MTV VMA

Britney Spears is just like so many people in America, here’s more:

Britney Spears was fed anti-depressant drugs minutes prior to her lackluster performance at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday after a heated row with a hair stylist. The tormented pop star angrily disapproved of the chosen hairstyle for her comeback at the Las Vegas ceremony and flew into "blind panic", according to reports. A doctor was dispatched to the Palms Casino resort to give the star prescription drugs. A source tells The Sun, "Britney took enough to floor an elephant. They calmed her down, but were clearly too effective. "The scene in the dressing room before the show was one of absolute blind panic. She knew she hadn’t rehearsed enough and was going to mess up the whole show and possibly her career - then she saw her hairdo and it was the final straw. She went into a wild rage and started lashing out at everyone - including her stylist."

If you were the elephant in the room, wouldn’t you need something to calm you down? Just take a look at Britney’s female dancers. They’ve got legs like tree trunks, and big a$$ booties. She knew she looked fat 2 years ago. She talks like she’s still the queen, but she’s just a mess like the rest of us. I don’t want to see Britney like that. I can walk through a Walmart and see a white trash mess wearing mismatching clothes, wigs, and weird hats any day of the week. I want a hot Britney, who can dance and sing. I want hot white trash that rises above the trailer park. Somebody smack this girl, and tell her to get her crap straight or we’re gonna take away her toys.

After her failed comeback appearance she’s now meeting with Kevin Federline at his attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan’s office. Here’s more:

“Britney asked for [the meeting]. She wants to put an end to this public debacle," says the Spears source. “However, Kevin [has] refused. He needs more money so he’s determined to win this.”

Court documents released Aug. 30 show that Spears’s income is $737,868 a month and that Ferderline receives $20,000 a month in spousal support but has no “net income after business expenses.”

I took a survey recently and it turns out that 99.9% of Americans believe Kevin Federline is a loser, but in another survey Americans believe Britney is an even bigger loser. They are perfect for each other. When white trash couples have kids it’s called incest, but we can’t judge them because we don’t understand their culture, and we’d be some kind of cultural racist. To most Americans Kevin and Britney don’t seem like British royalty, or like our beloved Kennedy royalty, but to the under belly of America those two are like a good scratch. Most people don’t know how much white trash has done for this country. White trash gave us birth defects, tattoo parlors, doggy style, and how can we forget, Kevin and Britney.

Tommy Lee and Kid Rock Offered Ring and $1 Million Prize to Fight

This opportunity raises burning questions. Will it be pay-per-view?

Will Pamela Anderson referee?

Will she be naked? Or just mostly naked?

According to Page Six:

VEGAS lounge impresario Jeff Beacher wants to settle the score between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock once and for all - with a winner-take-all $1 million boxing match between Pamela Anderson’s exes.

"We all know that they are fighting over Pam Anderson," said Beacher. "What better way to settle their differences then to slug it out in the ring!"

We’ve seen the video.

We’ve suffered through the diatribe.

We’re tired of these losers.

The real question is: How should we place our bets if we’re hoping they both end up beaten to a pulp?

George Clooney’s New Girlfriend Bids Boss Farewell Via Text

George Clooney’s new girlfriend has hit the jackpot.

Borrowed Bulgari diamonds. Private jets. Film festivals.

A far cry from her life mere weeks ago.

Sarah Larson, 28, who met George at a party and is a cocktail waitress at the Palms Hotel bars in Las Vegas, is carving out some quality time for her new jet-set status and her superstar b.f.

According to the Daily Mail:

Sources say she has just texted her boss to tell him she won’t be coming back to work any time soon as she travels the world with Clooney . . .

Meanwhile Sarah’s boss, Chris Bruno, claims the romantic photos of the couple in Venice "speak for themselves" and added: "Sarah sent me a text message to say she can’t make it back any time soon."

At least she’s keeping her boss in-the-loop. Better not to burn bridges, and all that.

Remember the last commoner George scooped up in Vegas?

Bet that one’s back to her old job by now.