Nicole Richie, who is pregnant and just returned from what appears to be an OK! all expense paid trip to Australia, in exchange for an interview, has been caught smoking, not once, but twice. First outside DaSilvano in a black Caddy Escalade, then three days later outside Nobu, reports Cindy Adams. I’m sure this is all just an innocent mistake. It’s true that cigarettes have a warning label that clearly states smoking causes birth defects, but Nicole doesn’t know that because she can’t read, and by the laws of idiot association, neither can her baby’s daddy Joel Madden.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are currently vacationing in Australia, and how did they pay for their trip? By "opening up" to OK! magazine. Isn’t that romantic? Nicole’s baby is a gold mine. Nicole must have found that dress at the Dollar store, and Joel, well he looks fatter than Nicole, but she’s pregnant, so what’s his excuse?

Hilary Duff, the remaining beacon of all that is pure in this world, next to nuns, almost drowned, not in alcohol, or tears, but water. Duff had a scary moment in the water while filming her new film Greta off the New Jersey shore. Duff was filming a swimming scene when the raging waters apparently overwhelmed her, and two men in wet suits were called to aide her. According to sources close to the production, Duff was filming a scene in the often tumultuous waters off the shore where she was suppose to be floating on her back. The waters became overwhelming for the actress, and two men had to assist her out. She was uninjured and seemingly unfazed after nearly drowning. Pfft, no big deal, happens to her all the time.

Duff’s new movie Greta tells the story of a young white waitress who has a summer fling with a black cook that works in her restaurant and has a criminal past. The grandparents are played by Ellen Burstyn and Michael Murphy, and Diana Ross’ son Evan Ross plays the cook. The interracial love affair isn’t exactly what grandparents Burstyn and Murphy want for their granddaughter, and the story accounts the adage that love conquers all. Greta is expected to hit theaters early next year. Interesting that Duff would do a movie about interracial love and sex, when I can’t even imagine her having sex, even with her self. The nuns at the convent are not going to approve. Remember Joel Madden? Duff never gave him any sex during their entire relationship, probably not even oral, or even the courtesy of a hand job. Duff used to brag about it. Joel finally broke down and got Nicole Richie pregnant. Well at least Duff still has her friends at the book club, and Jesus.

Nicole Richie is in Hawaii experiencing some of the wonders of pregnancy, a boyfriend who follows close behind, and the walking farts. She brought along her iPod so she could listen to the sounds of the ocean. Nicole is careful to shield herself from the sun with a makeshift tent, since other beach goers complained the reflection from her belly had caused them to experience third degree burns. Joel Madden hasn’t sat down once since Nicole got pregnant. He’s afraid once he does, she’ll realize he’s not her assistant, and fire him.

Less than six weeks after finally publicly admitting that she is indeed pregnant with fiance Joel Madden’s baby, Nicole Richie has reportedly decided that she has too much going on to get married just yet.

The "emotionally and physically exhausted" excuse is being bandied about yet again.

What if it was all just a big ruse to shorten her jail sentence?

A big fake-baby conspiracy of trapeze dresses, empire waists, push-up bras, and bad posture.

Any day she could announce, "You’ve been Punk’d America!"

But, if there really is a baby, may we suggest eloping?

This old-fashioned response to getting knocked-up requires much less planning, so it’s much less "exhausting."

Imagine! You could even be married BEFORE the baby is born.

Just a thought, Nic.