Jenna Jameson let Tito Ortiz find out what a thousand penises taste like.

Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson is hanging up her whips, chains, and black mamba vibrators. According to Us Magazine, her retirement will include other business pursuits, such as a Hollywood biopic, a comic book and a clothing line, which are due out next year. The next phase of her life also includes downsizing, as the adult film star had her breast implants removed a few weeks ago. She probably has to wear ankle weights just to keep from flying away.

Here is part of her interview with Us:

On why she had her implants removed:
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

I’m thinking that the mirror in Jenna’s home must be like one of those weird distorted circus mirrors that makes you look totally different than you actually appear. Scarlett Johansson, Rachel McAdams, and Sienna Miller? I mean, I’d like Angelina Jolie to play me in my biopic, but I’d also like a million dollars and Santa Claus to be real. But then I wake up.

Britney Spears is like a tornado of bad news that is quickly becoming an F-5 Hurricane big enough to bring down a small third world country. Here’s a summary:

BRITNEY IS DRUNK AND NAKED – Another shocking revelation: “She drinks in front of the kids,” one former staffer says of Spears. “At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry. But she’d inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies would take care of the kids.” And multiple sources confirm Spears’ exhibitionist streak: “She’ll strip down in front of staff, nannies, whomever,” says one. “She’ll ask, ‘Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?’ She’s extremely insecure.”

BRITNEY IS GAY – Britney’s quick tryst with Matt Encinias made headlines, but the music-video extra wasn’t the real target of Brit’s affection that night. OK! has learned that Britney spent the evening topless, nuzzling up to her former assistant Shannon Funk! “Instead of hooking up with him, [Shannon] ended up back in Brit’s room and bed,” a source tells OK!. Britney has been experimenting with girls since her teen years. She even put the moves on porn queen Jenna Jameson. “Jenna told me that Britney hit on her and that she hooks up with girls,” says adult-movie actress Tera Patrick.

BRITNEY TELLS HER KIDS THEY WERE MISTAKES – “She makes out with men in front of the boys, refuses to change their diapers, puts whitening strips on their teeth.”

BRITNEYS BODYGUARD AND EX ASSISTANT SERVED – Shannon Funk was served late Tuesday night at the airport in Long Beach, Calif. Also on the list was the singer’s bodyguard Daimon Shippen, who was served late Monday night as he was getting out of his car in Santa Monica, Calif. Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is behind the subpoenas, which will be used to compel those close to Spears to discuss her parenting style.

BRITNEY WILL OPEN THE VMAs – one of the worst kept secrets is that Britney will perform at the MTV Video Music awards on September 9th in Vegas.

BRITNEY AND K-FED DIVORCE DOCUMENTS MAY OR MAY NOT STAY SEALED – The divorce and custody papers of KFed and Brit are currently sealed and not available to the public and their lawyers want to keep it that way. However, People Magazine and other outlets will ask the court to make these documents public on September 14th. They feel these records should be made public since they are public figures. The custody hearing will take place on September 17th.

If the press is writing headlines like these about you…you just might be a redneck. Oh, and Britney should be insecure. 1) She’s not pretty. 2) She’s not sexy. 3) She’s an alcoholic. 4) She’s a whore. 5) She doesn’t have a shred of talent anymore. 6) She doesn’t have a shred of credibility or decency anymore. 7) People hate her, and yet she still made the cover of Allure with the help of Photoshop…in my opinion.

Jenna Jameson doesn’t swallow anymore, which explains her severe weight loss. Now all she’s good for is Halloween porn, playing a skeleton who feels like a cheese grater. Looking at her makes me all sad inside, kinda like when my blow up doll of Jenna deflated after my dog got a hold of her. Plus my doll jumped around, and made some of the same poses and facial expressions Jenna is making here, when the air was escaping. If she gets any skinnier Angelina Jolie is gonna try to adopt her.

Apparently Jenna Jameson has gone on the Nicole Richie diet of air, air, and more air…with an occasional diet coke. This is what she looked like for a photo shoot in Malibu on Monday. It’s just sad when you consider that she used to look fairly healthy, as in the photo below. She will definitely have to find a new profession, as she would crack in half if she tried to do a porn flick at this point.

The rumor around town is that Jenna wants Scarlet Johannson to play her in an upcoming biopic but, looking like this, she might want to target Courtney Love.