Britney Spears was so upset at losing physical custody yesterday of Sean Preston and Jayden James, after she turned them over to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard, she drove straight to Epitome, her favorite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. As she checked in a photographer knocked down a security guard, and while waiting for the police, more paparazzi fought each other. Britney then headed to the Van Nuys, California DMV, but was not issued a license. If the smile on Britney’s face is any indication of how she feels about losing her kids, she should be shopping, tanning, and clubbing nonstop. I haven’t seen her this happy since she found out Starbucks puts extra heavy whipped cream on everything she orders. Britney still faces charges of hit-and-run which carry up to one year in jail. Somehow Britney sees things as if she is Alice in Wonderland, where the paparazzi are the Queen of Hearts and her minions, the judge is the fat cat, and clubs are places where she can have spiked tea with her friends.

You literally heard it here first. That headline was an omen of what was to come. Today it’s official. Britney Spears was ordered by a Los Angeles court to turn over physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to their father Kevin Federline. TMZ reports:

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline’s powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan (left), raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver’s license…

… Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl’s Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed’s bodyguard three minutes later.

A source connected with the case says Spears was not focusing on the judge’s order last month, and she may not have attended the parenting classes or performed the required drug and alcohol testing.

Britney really earned this decision, so she can call it her own. The only surprise is that the judge didn’t turn the kids over to Federline a lot sooner. Only Britney would take the kids through the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru before turning them over. She probably only got herself something, cause momma hungry, momma gotta eat, baby no cry, make momma mad. Last week Britney cried as she left her first drug test. It’s possible she failed the test. Kevin’s lawyer pointed out that Britney has been charged with hit-and-run, plus driving without a valid license. Click here to see video of the accident. She filled out part of the paperwork at the DMV, but never completed it, so she has no license, and has been driving despite the charges, even on the day she turned the kids over.

Picture row 1: Over the weekend, Britney went out for Greek food at Taverna Toni in Malibu, but is too lazy to carry even one of her two kids she brought there. Do kids like Greek food?

Picture row 2: Pictures of Britney smashed white Mercedes which was obviously in an another car accident, after her black one which was involved in the hit-and-run accident. A second accident even though she shouldn’t even be driving.

Picture row 3 and 4: Over the weekend Britney went out for Mexican food, and looks like she may have brought a margarita home with her. Open alcohol containers are illegal in cars. Perhaps the judge saw these pictures too.

Picture row 5: Over the weekend, Britney takes her dog to Starbucks. Where are the kids?

Picture row 6 and 7: Last night about midnight Britney runs out of gas a second time, and the paparazzi have to fill’er up, again. Then she shops at Ralph’s. What is she doing out at midnight when she has the kids at home for the weekend?

The judge probably knows about all of this, and is finally, I mean FINALLY forcing Britney to be responsible for her actions. Don’t forget about Britney’s former bodyguard who submitted a declaration about Britney’s bad behavior. She was even banned from the Chateau Marmont for smearing food all over her face. What is it going to take for Britney to start acting like an adult? The judge is her daddy now, and he’s finally showing Britney some tough love. First Britney lost her car keys, then her husband, then her mind, and now her kids.

Britney Spears is still driving despite being charged with hit and run in Los Angeles after hitting a parked car, and charged for driving without a valid license since she’s never been issued a California driver’s license. She’s been a complete mess over her recent drug test, and spent some time in the bathroom with a paparazzi. Now she’s driving her white Mercedes again, and she’s got a smashed left front fender, bumper, and headlight. If parked cars aren’t safe from Britney’s driving, moving cars and pedestrians don’t stand a chance. The only way to make it safe for other cars would be to install a giant 4 foot thick cushion around her car, and a parachute on the back in case she drives off a cliff. Besides having to sit in car seats, Sean Preston and Jayden James need life jackets in the event Britney attempts a water landing.

Britney Spears got lucky sort of. It was announced that Kevin Federline and Britney will continue the previously ordered joint custody agreement, so Britney has not yet lost custody of Sean and Jayden. The court ordered:

“Based on the evidence presented, the court finds that there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by [Spears],” the judge wrote in his nine-page ruling…The Court declines to modify the existing custodial timeshare.

Orders apply to both Kevin and Britney:

- Neither Brit nor K-fed can take Sean and Jayden out of state without the written consent of the other. In addition to the broader mandates, the papers also stipulate that Spears and Federline must notify each other whenever they travel out-of-state with their young children and must also provide "all travel arraignments, including flight numbers for the children.

- The exes cannot make derogatory statements about each other.

- Both parents must complete the “Parenting Without Conflict” program within five days of the September 17 ruling.

- Each party is restrained from using corporal punishment with the children or allowing anyone else to.

- They are required to engage in joint co-parenting counseling within five days of the September 17 ruling.

- Neither party may consume alcohol or non-prescription controlled substances 12 hours prior to taking custody of the children.

Order applying only to Britney:

- Attend individual counseling at least once a week to address parenting issues.

- Meet with a parenting coach for a minimum of 8 hours a week, in at least two sessions a week. The coach is to observe her parenting skills and her interaction with her sons and provide Federline with a written progress report by October 22.

- Judge Scott M. Gordon has ordered Spears to undergo drug and alcohol testing twice a week "on random dates and times.

Recognizing the seriousness of the judge’s ruling Britney went out partying. Britney stopped by Winston’s and Hyde last night. Click here to see the video. She was all smiles until the paparazzi started arguing outside her car, then that smile turned into a frown. The only surprise in the ruling was the fact the judge didn’t order 24 hour daycare for Britney.

Britney Spears had a bad day that she both earned, and has been a long time coming. Her ex bodyguard entered a statement, and offered to testify against her in the custody case. Her attorney withdrew from the custody case. Later in the day Jeff Kwatinetz, Britney’s latest manager reportedly quit due to Britney’s "erratic behavior." So that’s what managers call crazy. It sounds so professional.

Here’s the worst part:

Britney Spears will temporarily lose custody of her two toddler sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline, sources told FOXNews.com ahead of the official ruling expected later Monday.

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, turned over to Kevnin Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spears.

Britney’s attorney has asked for the divorce records to be sealed so the public won’t know what is going on. What will she do now, adopt foreign kids? Britney’s new album hits stores November 13.

In other news, Britney gave this black guy a lap dance.