Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are back in court battling over Sean Preston and Jayden James. Scott Gordon will hear testimony today from custoday experts. Britney’s behavior has not improved much, so the outlook for her visitation bid doesn’t look favorable. People reports:

The judge is not expected to reinstate the 50-50 custody arrangement that was in place before the judge stripped Spears of custody and allowed only visitation. "At best, she may get unmonitored visits and more overnight privileges," says family law attorney Scott Weston, who’s not involved with either party. "This case is still in the early stages and could go on for months."

To try to make it look good Britney tood the kids to the pumpkin patch yesterday, and to Swings N’Things. Us magazine reports:

“She wanted a swing set for her boys for her house in Malibu,” an employee told Us magazine. "She was nice to me. There was just so much commotion.”

It’s surprising the commissioner was able to get Britney into court. This week she didn’t appear in court for her hit-and-run case, which was settled for a payment less than $1,000 to the woman who had her car damaged, so the charges were dropped. In the case of driving without a valid license, Britney still has to go back to court. She is in court right now though. One report said there were promises of double fudge layered chocolate chip cookies, and free Starbucks if Britney showed up. I’m expecting Britney to emerge from court without making any custody gains, but with a full beard from one of those Domino’s OREO dessert pizzas.

Britney Spears managed to regain visitation rights with her kids over the weekend by finally cooperating with the court-appointed parenting coach. And, surprise, things went to shit. On Monday the coach submitted a “damaging report” to the judge, and once again Britney’s ability to see her kids is in jeopardy, according to an Us Weekly source:

The paperwork, filed under seal to LA Superior Court, claims that “[Spears, 25] paid her [monitor] no attention or respect at all, as if she were some employee whom she could blow off,” the source says.

“Britney’s often distracted and in her own world when she has the kids [Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1] and has a hard time focusing,” the insider adds. “She is adamant that she doesn’t have to listen to anybody – that it’s her way or the highway."

The coach is requesting that any further visits must occur in her office:

“She doesn’t want all the distractions, whether it’s the paparazzi or whatever else is going on. Britney needs to focus on improving her parenting skills and prove that she really wants these kids.”

Parenting coaches can sometimes be people who are in a position of authority, who have no control in their own lives, so they satisfy their need by controlling other people using their position as a parenting coach. This is also common in health care workers. Britney is like a wild horse. If you want to break her, then you’ve got to ride her hard. If the parenting coach doesn’t have the staying power, then let someone else have a try.

There’s more … The backup dancers who shamed themselves by appearing with Britney Spears during her infamous MTV Video Music Awards performance apparently have never been paid by Britney.

A source says they have yet to be fully compensated for their work leading up to the September 9 event. “The dancers were paid for the actual show and some of the rehearsals, but not all of them,” an industry insider tells Us. The problem may stem from Spears’ being dropped by her management agency, The Firm, on September 17.
“Her management usually pays the dancers,” explains the source.

If you ask Britney about those dancers she will say she doesn’t recall, but if you ask her about her last Big Mac she will get that hypnotized look and start to drool uncontrollably. Maybe the parenting coach should dress the kids as Big Mac. On second thought Britney might eat them.

Britney Spears lawyers filed an emergency motion requesting last week’s order to be modified to allow overnight visits with her children. Her lawyers urged Britney to actually show up for today’s hearing at 0830. Last night Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, released the following statement:

“The fact that a party, one week after a full court hearing, attempts to change the orders of the court, in the absence of an emergency or without any new facts, suggests a continued lack of respect and understanding for what an order of the court actually means.”

This morning Britney’s lawyers are arguing that Britney’s negative drug test is the new evidence needed to get her overnight visits. Britney is also asking for her mother to supervise the overnight visits. You might recall Britney gave her mother a letter telling her she may not be around Sean and Jayden when she is on drugs or alcohol, which means Britney knows her own mother has substance abuse problems. This makes sense to Britney. It’s kind of like a fox watching another fox, watch a hen house. You see foxes eat hens which are chickens, so a fox would not be the right choice to be sure another fox doesn’t eat the chickens. Federline and his attorneys oppose this suggestion, because Federline is not the idiot Britney thinks he is.

Britney didn’t help pursuade the judge since she didn’t show up for the hearing. Obviously her kids mean nothing everything to her, or maybe I mean her dog. Britney’s excuse is that she is suffering from insomnia. She just filled a sleeping pill prescription last night, and slept-in today. Now she sounds like Michael Jackson’s court appearance in pajamas. The judge did not modify the original order, but he did tell the attorneys to come up with a solution if they can, so they are currently in the hall hashing it out.

As for Kevin’s parenting skills, well let’s just say he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Britney, Kevin, Sean Preston, and Jayden James, all have pink eye.

Britney was finger printed and had her mug shot taken the other day for her hit-and-run charge. I heard she looks just like Nick Nolte in it.

You’ve probably been wondering what that set of images at the top is all about, and why it’s censored. Well, Britney’s vagina decided to make another appearance when she exited the car in another mini dress with no panties. Enjoy the NSFW crotch shot collage here. There’s a bigger close up NSFW shot here. There’s an even better close up NSFW shot here.

Update: Britney’s lawyer tried to excuse Britney’s absence from today’s emergency hearing she asked for:

She was planning to attend the hearing, and she didn’t want the hassle of wading through media at the courthouse.

Her lawyer must not be aware that Britney filled a prescription for, and took sleeping pills last night. Sleeping pills are legal drugs, so her drug test would still be negative for illegal substances and alcohol. Isn’t it ironic that Britney will "wade" through swarms of paparazzi every day, but won’t do it to try to see her kids. If Britney ran out of cigarettes, and the judge had the only pack left in Los Angeles in his hand, Britney would magically appear behind him, snatching the cigarettes from his hand before he even felt her breath on his neck.

Britney also didn’t show up for dancer auditions for her new "video and tour"? A source said:

"Over 50 girls waited for her to show this morning — for over an hour."

No one is more important that Britney. Not dancers, not the judge, not even her kids.

Britney Spears missed her drug and alcohol tests, and so far she hasn’t submitted to any. The judge ruled that her current misses don’t count against her, but future missed tests will be interpreted as positive (meaning she’s on drugs or alcohol). That’s sounds incriminating enough, but this isn’t fair because she’s just an upset mom who misses her kids. Right? Well … Britney also missed her first visitation with Sean Preston and Jayden James because she didn’t answer the intercom at the front gate. Life and Style reports Britney’s excuse:

“Brit didn’t realize the intercom wasn’t working. She begged them to bring the boys back. But they wouldn’t. She was devastated that they wouldn’t turn around.”

She was sleeping off her Starbucks hang over. You can bet Britney would have been at the front gate in a second, and running down the street, if an ice cream truck had driven by playing their funky ice cream music.

So what happened with those drug tests? E! Online reports:

Sources close to the proceedings told the Los Angeles Times that Spears’ assistant twice informed the testing lab that her boss was asleep and then on another occasion told the technicians that Spears would be unavailable to take a test at home.

All the fat in those Starbucks drinks make Britney sleep like a bear during its winter hibernation. She even avoided a home test. Looks like she’s still on drugs and alcohol, otherwise, she’d have nothing to hide. Just lure her out with the ice cream truck, then tell her no ice cream till she goes pee in the cup.

Britney Spears got her interim California driver’s license this week, so a judge gave her limited supervised visitation with Sean Preston and Jayden James. The judge made the decision for Kevin Federline to retain physical custody in a three hour hearing. Most hearings only last 15 to 20 minutes max. Celebrity justice. To show the judge how much she cares about her two little boys Britney did not show up for the hearing. The judge ordered her to attend the next hearing on October 26. Federline was in court. Right now Britney is living in a Beverly Hills hotel for reasons unknown. Maybe because she’s on a Starbucks diet. I can see the pounds melting off her already. No wait, that’s a drop of water that hit my monitor. The rumors that Britney went to rehab are all untrue. Why would she think she needs help, when she thinks she’s already perfect.

There is some good news for Britney. Her single Gimme More is Number 1 for downloads on Billboard’s Hot Digital Songs chart, and rose from number 68 to number 3 on Billboard’s Hot 100. The Gimme More music video will premiere Monday on MTV and VH1. However, you can see Britney shake her SUV sized booty right now, since the Gimme More music video just became available to download on iTunes tonight. Click here to download it. Hurry up, Britney doesn’t like to be kept waiting.