Rob Schneider did a dead on impression of Lindsay Lohan when he took her spot on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night.

My favorite lie from Lindsay Lohan today was that the cocaine in her pocket wasn’t hers. Lohan is such a great friend to carry drugs in her pocket for her friends. She’d probably help her friend get rid of a dead body too. That’s true friendship. She probably won’t tell us who’s cocaine it was in her pocket, because then she’d be a snitch, and she’s too cool to roll over on a friend. Reports said cocaine was found "in her blood" that was taken from her after her first DUI accident. I suppose the cocaine in her blood was someone else’s too. Lohan = habitual liar. I suppose someone else was blowing into the breathalyzer on her second DUI, and someone else was driving during the car chase.

Lohan is facing up to 6 years in prison. Like father like daughter. Is her mother going to get the next DUI?

Lohan should have said something like she thought the white powder was Splenda, since she’s trying to avoid substances from the (sugar)caine family.

Earlier we reported that Lindsay Lohan’s assistant, Jenni Muro, was the one who quit last night. As it turns out it was assistant number two pictured above, who looks trashy herself. Lindsay’s reps are now saying the assistant was relived of her duties rather than having quit.

None of Lindsay’s handlers appear to be able to say NO to Lindsay, so she keeps drinking and drugging. Maybe assistant number two was the first to say NO, and Lindsay’s response was "you’re fird, yer sir furd bith."

Since Lohan won’t appear on Jay Leno tonight, Rob Schneider agreed to appear in her place, dressed as Lohan with ankle bracelet intact, and perhaps he’ll give us a sweaty crotch shot.

Jay Leno didn’t even have to interview Paris Hilton to get the truth out of her.