Britney Spears on Suicide Watch

Britney Spears was so upset at losing physical custody yesterday of Sean Preston and Jayden James, after she turned them over to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard, she drove straight to Epitome, her favorite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. As she checked in a photographer knocked down a security guard, and while waiting for the police, more paparazzi fought each other. Britney then headed to the Van Nuys, California DMV, but was not issued a license. If the smile on Britney’s face is any indication of how she feels about losing her kids, she should be shopping, tanning, and clubbing nonstop. I haven’t seen her this happy since she found out Starbucks puts extra heavy whipped cream on everything she orders. Britney still faces charges of hit-and-run which carry up to one year in jail. Somehow Britney sees things as if she is Alice in Wonderland, where the paparazzi are the Queen of Hearts and her minions, the judge is the fat cat, and clubs are places where she can have spiked tea with her friends.

Paris Hilton Sad David Letterman Asked About Jail

Last evening Paris Hilton was on Late Night with David Letterman. Paris said she felt she could do anything after jail, and yet almost broke down into tears when Letterman used 90% of the interview to pepper spray her with questions about jail. Her weakness is knowing she isn’t perfect as she once thought. Here’s what was said:

…An audience member shouted, "I love you Paris!"

Letterman said, "Is that somebody you met in prison?"

The crowd went wild with laughter and applause.

Paris replied with a pout on her face and nearly a tear in her eye, "I didn’t come here to talk about this. That was a long time ago. Now you’re making me sad that I came."

In the life of a dog that was a long time ago, but to humans it was just a few months ago in June that Paris was locked up. Letterman is my hero for the day. He did what Larry King didn’t have the balls to do. The interview length was eight minutes and something, but watching it seemed to last only a few seconds. Kind of like a mental orgasm. I had two. About a minute before the interview was over Letterman went on to talk about Paris’ new perfume, which can be applied when you want to smell like her vagina. It doubles as mosquito repellant.

Click here to watch the interview…

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Nicole Richie Postpones Wedding to Joel Madden

Less than six weeks after finally publicly admitting that she is indeed pregnant with fiance Joel Madden’s baby, Nicole Richie has reportedly decided that she has too much going on to get married just yet.

The "emotionally and physically exhausted" excuse is being bandied about yet again.

What if it was all just a big ruse to shorten her jail sentence?

A big fake-baby conspiracy of trapeze dresses, empire waists, push-up bras, and bad posture.

Any day she could announce, "You’ve been Punk’d America!"

But, if there really is a baby, may we suggest eloping?

This old-fashioned response to getting knocked-up requires much less planning, so it’s much less "exhausting."

Imagine! You could even be married BEFORE the baby is born.

Just a thought, Nic.

Foxy Brown Sentenced to 1 Year in Jail

Foxy Brown (28), aka Inga Marchand, aka chocolate rain of terror, was sentenced to 1 year in jail after a string of arrests, assaults, and probation violations. With really good behavior she could get out of jail in 8 months. Brown is currently pregnant, and may give birth while in jail. I feel sorry for the baby. Here’s more:

The judge found Brown had left the state without permission; had moved her residence from Brooklyn to Mahwah, N.J., without permission; had failed to notify the department of an arrest in Mahwah; had failed to report to probation officers, and had dropped court-ordered anger management sessions with a psychologist. Brown also was accused of hitting a woman with a cell phone on July 30 when the pair fought over the music volume from Brown’s car stereo.

Just before the hearing began, Brown, asked the judge for yet another chance at freedom and promised to straighten out her life. Judge Jackson had jailed her Aug. 22 to await the hearing.

"I’m willing to do whatever I need to do to change," Brown told the judge. She said she had made a lot of mistakes. "I realize that’s not where I want to be. It’s humbled me in ways I never imagined."

The judge replied, "Ms. Marchand, it’s too little, too late. I’m glad you’re learning something; that’s a positive, but I’m not going to give you any more chances. I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law."

Everyone was shocked when Brown said, "I take back my apology your honor."

The judge’s said in astonishment, "I thought you were taking responsibility. Why would you take back your apology?"

Foxy smiled and said, "Your ruling doesn’t count your honor. You didn’t say ’Simon Says.’"

Lindsay Lohan Caught Doing Drugs and Having Sex in Rehab

It’s reassuring to know that the Los Angeles District Attorney threw out cocaine charges, and recommended the judge give Lindsay Lohan only 1 day in jail for 2 DUIs. Now Female First says she was caught with drugs at Cirque Lodge rehab, much like she was rumored to be high while at Promises rehab, and they forced her to take a drug test, which she failed. A source said:

"Lindsay got called into the director’s office on August 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the program she’d have to leave."

ShowbizSpy says she was caught having sex in the bathroom:

“Staff were alerted to the bathroom because there were strange noises coming from inside and two voices could be heard,” a source says. “When they opened the door, Lindsay was in a compromising position with the guy – who’s also at Cirque for drug rehab.”

“Rumors spread like wildfire across the place that they’d been having sex. When staff found them they were all flustered and Lindsay’s hair was all over the shop,” the source adds. “She was livid that she was given the miserable task of cleaning the bathrooms so the theory was she’d do something really dirty in there.”

Is anyone really surprised? Lindsay considers sex, drugs, and alcohol, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Obviously, she can’t live without them.