It’s official: Britney Spears has become a caricature of herself. You honestly just can’t make this shizz up. On the night before she was expected in Las Vegas for rehearsals for the VMA’s, Brit Brit thought fit to do what she knows best…show up to a club wearing her token fedora/no-pants combo. Sponge Brit No Pants! Hole in the pantyhose sold separately. Us Magazine reports:

The night before she was expected in Las Vegas to rehearse her single “Gimme More” with illusionist Criss Angel, the perennial party girl, 25, hit up L.A. club Opera.

Accompanied by her cousin Alli Sims, Spears — clad in a cream fedora, gray mini-dress with stockings, knee-high boots and long pearl necklaces — settled into a corner booth around 12:32 a.m. (Her wig of choice? A blonde, shoulder-length number.)

“Britney was in a great mood all night, smiling, laughing, upbeat,” a witness says, who adds that Spears also smoked a few cigarettes and danced to Rihanna’s “Umbrella.”

“She was really getting into the songs,” the onlooker says.

Apparently, she worked up a thirst: “Britney drank beer, vodka cranberry and vodka tonic,” says the witness.

Sucking a lollypop, Spears left hand-in-hand with Sims at 1:45 a.m.

Alas, the two called it a night after hitting a Wendy’s drive-thru around 2:20 a.m.

Nothing says comeback like showing up half-cocked and bloated! You go Brit!

Criss Angel insiders confirm he’s only using Britney Spears for the publicity. Page Six reports:

“He doesn’t even really talk to her when they go out. This weekend at [club] LAX, they weren’t seated at the same table, but when the paparazzi were around he jumped in all the pictures. . . . The paparazzi all have his number.” Meanwhile, some of the stories leaked to the tabloids about how Angel was orchestrating a big VMA number for Spears using mirrors are false. “She is just doing a straight-up performance of her new single, ’Gimme More.’”

I hate to break this to everyone, but Crisco Angelo is mindf**king you all. First he makes us think he’s dating Britney, now he’s just using her, so what’s he gonna do next escape from a coffin after being buried alive? Sure Angel did escape after being buried alive, but everyone says it was fake, and David Blaine did it already in 1999 in front of a live audience. You know what this means? Criss Angel is really David Blaine. I knew that name sounded fake. I’m shaking right now, and I’m not even cold. This guy is good.

Here is the long awaited VMA promo video. I’m not even sure this is Britney Spears. Could be a body double. Not enough jiggle.

Here’s the song Britney will be performing as she slinks around on stage like she’s sexy. She named the song Gimme More, but that was after the title Do Me More was rejected. My foot started tapping when this song started playing. My doctor says it’s a nervous twitch that dates back to when I was tortured by a group of punk girls.