An insurance office employee was moving to another branch office, so her co-workers decided to give her a going away party. The co-workers ordered a cake from Walmart. The real cake is pictured above. The conversation with the Walmart employee taking the order is summarized below:

Walmart Employee: "Hello dis be Walmarts, how can I heps you?"

Customer: "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "Whatcha want on dis cake?"

Customer: “‘Best Wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that ‘We will miss you’.”

This really happened.

In news about the totally absurd, Liza Minelli’s ex, David Gest, is about to do stand-up, and we’re not talking about standing up for himself when he’s getting the crap beat out of him by Liza with a Z. We’re talking stand-up COMEDY. TMZ reports:

Starting in February, the ex-Mr. Liza Minnelli will embark on "his first major UK comedy tour," and claims it "will be one of the most lavish spectacles ever put together."

He already had us in stitches when he tried to claim heterosexuality years ago. Based on the outfits Liza’s been pulling out of her closet these days, we’re thinking he could enlist her as an assistant. He could talk about how he’s a straight guy…really..and she could kick him where nads would be if he had any. I’m laughing already.

Source

The touching prose from Paris Hilton’s journal, which she generously shared with the world on Larry King Live, has been turned into a glorious rock ballad. The touching song is called "A Process A Gift and A Journey" and it’s a little bit like Queen, a smidge of Tenacious D, and even smacks a bit of Journey, natch.

It’s a lot like the anthem of a celebutard who bought a bunch of paper and pencil from the jail commissary to pass the time, which she wasn’t serving. The time was serving her.

Please enjoy the video here. Lighters and cell phone "lamps" optional, but arms slowly and reverently waving above your head are required.

Jack Osbourne, seen here as part of a skank sandwich, apparently did "the dirty" with none other than jailbird Paris Hilton.

Oh Jack, hero to the decidedly uncool and schlumpy strivers of the world.

It’s a tad disturbing that it’s his parents, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, who are telling the tale, but it’s awesome nonetheless.

According to The Sun, the secret was revealed unintentionally, but the parents were quite proud of their overachieving son.

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

The Sun story goes on to include chatter about them selling their Beverly Hills home to Christina Aguilera and how they just couldn’t stay there any longer with all the strange visitors and stalkers.

Funny, though, the rest of the story is kind of a blur. All we could think about is how we’d like to high five Jack.

Of course, then our thoughts wandered to whether Jack took the proper precautions when he was with Paris.

Now, we’re thinking we’d like to high five him, but wearing gloves.

And goggles.

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James Franco has always seemed like a nice guy, and I saw Knocked Up, which was good, and Franco doesn’t fit the role of someone who is supposed to be a beer gogle date. I haven’t confirmed it yet, but this may have all been a joke.