The Eva Longoria sex tape appears to be real. Funny or Die claims the story was based on the skit which appears in the above video. Yawn. However, MaxPorn has another video that shows a woman on the receiving end of oral sex who looks a lot like Eva, but in fact is not her. This should satisfy the fantasies of even hardcore Eva fans. Click here to see it (NSFW). The real Eva below shows off her ability to slide her two-dimensional body between the bumpers of parked cars. She can also climb into those big blue mail boxes to retrieve mail you didn’t want to send, can use her hand to get lost jewelry that dropped into the sink drain, and doesn’t require an airline ticket since she fits in the overhead luggage compartment.

The touching prose from Paris Hilton’s journal, which she generously shared with the world on Larry King Live, has been turned into a glorious rock ballad. The touching song is called "A Process A Gift and A Journey" and it’s a little bit like Queen, a smidge of Tenacious D, and even smacks a bit of Journey, natch.

It’s a lot like the anthem of a celebutard who bought a bunch of paper and pencil from the jail commissary to pass the time, which she wasn’t serving. The time was serving her.

Please enjoy the video here. Lighters and cell phone "lamps" optional, but arms slowly and reverently waving above your head are required.