24/Sizzler’s David Caplan received the following email from Lindsay Lohan’s 13-year-old sister, Ali:

Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother. He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been. I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives. Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali

Picking on people is my favorite thing to do and yet I’m somewhat at a loss for where to begin with this one. Am I too mean for making fun of a 13-year-old? Nahhh, she’s a Lohan. With all of the drugs and alcohol, they actually go by dog years, which means Ali is actually 91. What speaks to me most is not the fact that she doesn’t know how to spell, but rather that she didn’t take the time to press spell-check. As I’m typing this, the spell-check in our software is lighting up all the errors like a firecrotch on a clear night. Ali, you’re only ten freckles and an eight-ball away from your "insperational" older sister, so I do get the "so much in common part." Cheers!

Source

Uh-oh, Lilo! We knew that Lindsay Lohan’s SCRAM ankle bracelet was a sham!

The arrest happened early this morning and TMZ has been reporting the rapidly changing details. A rundown of the details…in the order it broke, so you can enjoy the ludicrous nature of the Firecrotch downward spiral. We only wish they had pics and video!

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning.

Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13, well over the .08 legal limit.

Cops tell TMZ cocaine was found in her pants pocket [during a search at the station].

If convicted, she would almost certainly do time, especially with another possible DUI looming.

Law enforcement now says Lohan was stopped after cops got a call of a vehicle being chased by another vehicle. The chasing vehicle was being driven by Lohan.

Lohan was driving a white Denali. She was chasing a Cadillac Escalade.

Lindsay Lohan is out of jail.

Law enforcement sources say Lohan was cooperative in jail. We’re told she was very upset.

A law enforcement source at the Santa Monica jail tells TMZ "she did just about everything we asked."

…[except] She refused to submit to a PASD — Preliminary Alcohol Screening Device. That’s a chemical test administered in the field to determine blood alcohol levels.

We’re told cops did administer a walk-the-line test, and Lindsay flunked.

The sophisticated SCRAM alcohol monitoring device which Lindsay Lohan voluntarily strapped around her leg wasn’t the reason cops busted her for DUI Thursday morning.

TMZ contacted a rep from the company that monitors the SCRAM bracelet who said, "I didn’t even know she was arrested."

And there you have it folks! If Nicole Richie gets thrown in jail in August, we’ll have a trifecta. Who would have thought that Paris Hilton’s offenses would be the least dramatic.

A coke-fueled, drunken chase in an SUV. You can’t make this stuff up!

We can only tell that this is Lindsay Lohan and not Dina Lohan because we’ve seen other pictures of her in this dress. Which reminds us that we need to make a note, if you’re going to parade all over town, showing off the newest in scofflaw monitoring, you might want to think about shoes compatible with your anklet.

Is anyone else concerned about Firecrotch’s premature aging? She could easily pass for 35 and the "Coca-Cola" isn’t helping. You don’t really believe it’s just soda in that can, do you?

We know that the ankle bracelet is an alcohol-sensor thingee. But, c’mon, that thing is completely voluntary — a ploy conjured up to reassure the public and potential employers that Lindsay’s appearances at parties and whirlwind jaunts to Las Vegas in no way indicate that she isn’t serious about her sobriety.

She’s serious, see! She’s wearing an ankle bracelet!

Oh…you want to see the reports? Er…

After being cut off from the family fortune last week due to his out of control partying, Brandon Davis went to Miami to stay with Scott Storch, and is living off his friend’s generosity like a loser does. He’s hanging with Kim Kardashian in Miami on June 12 pictured above. Here’s more:

Several sources said Davis - who once hounded Lindsay Lohan for not having money and called her a "firecrotch" - has been financially cut off by his wealthy family for not being able to get his act together, and pals like Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos aren’t taking his calls.

"His family cut him off for using and abusing," our in-the-know spy said. "He had promised to get his act together, but obviously never did."

After Davis was caught railing against Lohan on camera last year, his family sent him to rehab, where he was treated for drugs and booze dependency. But a week after he left the clinic, the oleaginous heir was back out on Los Angeles streets partying, and he hasn’t stopped since.

After being cut off by his family last week, Davis flew to Miami to take refuge with puerile music producer Scott Storch.

"He’s been staying at Scott’s, but shows up every day at Mokai and the Shore Club," snitched our source. Davis went out one night with Caroline Vreeland, but was soon dumped by the leggy blonde.

Another spy said Davis has been calling friends asking them to loan him $2,000 at a time. So far, he’s had no takers and is living on credit. His friends remember how he bounced a $10,000 check on "Girls Gone Wild" gazillionaire Joe Francis, and owes some other "friends" for gambling debts.

Last week, to shore up his spirits, Davis showed up at the Raleigh Hotel in South Beach, where he called the bar in advance to order six lemon drop shots, six mojitos and six Peronis so they’d be waiting when he arrived. He soon appeared with a blonde and a brunette, and went to work on the drinks.

Brandon really has no way to make money. He’s got nothing to offer. Even if he dressed up as a woman, and tried to sell himself on the street, guys would probably be too busy puking at the thought of getting it on with him to complete the transaction.

It never happened. That’s what Bruce Willis has to say about those rumors that he and Lindsay Lohan had a short-lived "thing."

In an interview with the Mirror, Willis concedes that he has a rakish image and that his denials of hanky-panky with Firecrotch will fall on deaf ears.

“Here’s what you have to know,” he says with a hint of exasperation. “I don’t pay attention to the gossip anymore. I don’t look at it or let it in my house. We could go down to a newsstand right now and find five stupid things that are written about me, but I just don’t care.

“I stopped fighting it when I was a young kid and I was trying to find my way, just flailing wildly, figuring out how to handle fame. Setting the record straight… I couldn’t care less. Because no matter how many times I tell you I had nothing to do with Lindsay Lohan and never laid a finger on her – she just hung out with my younger daughter Tallulah for a minute – it’s still gonna be set in stone. It’s out of my control.”

Bruce, we believe you. Really.

In the time that has passed since those rumors were hot, we’ve learned that Lindsay was raised by a liar, that she has delusions of influential connections to an ex-Vice President, and that she can’t spell the word adequate.

Her alleged claims - and then public denials - that the two of you were hitting it off seem less convincing now than ever.

We’re just glad that rehab has reduced said Lohan hook-up claims. We’re bracing for the new wave of Lindsay-finds-love stories we’ll soon have to post.

And it makes our fingers cry.