Britney Spears Lost Physical Custody of The Kids

You literally heard it here first. That headline was an omen of what was to come. Today it’s official. Britney Spears was ordered by a Los Angeles court to turn over physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James to their father Kevin Federline. TMZ reports:

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline’s powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan (left), raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver’s license…

… Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl’s Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed’s bodyguard three minutes later.

A source connected with the case says Spears was not focusing on the judge’s order last month, and she may not have attended the parenting classes or performed the required drug and alcohol testing.

Britney really earned this decision, so she can call it her own. The only surprise is that the judge didn’t turn the kids over to Federline a lot sooner. Only Britney would take the kids through the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru before turning them over. She probably only got herself something, cause momma hungry, momma gotta eat, baby no cry, make momma mad. Last week Britney cried as she left her first drug test. It’s possible she failed the test. Kevin’s lawyer pointed out that Britney has been charged with hit-and-run, plus driving without a valid license. Click here to see video of the accident. She filled out part of the paperwork at the DMV, but never completed it, so she has no license, and has been driving despite the charges, even on the day she turned the kids over.

Picture row 1: Over the weekend, Britney went out for Greek food at Taverna Toni in Malibu, but is too lazy to carry even one of her two kids she brought there. Do kids like Greek food?

Picture row 2: Pictures of Britney smashed white Mercedes which was obviously in an another car accident, after her black one which was involved in the hit-and-run accident. A second accident even though she shouldn’t even be driving.

Picture row 3 and 4: Over the weekend Britney went out for Mexican food, and looks like she may have brought a margarita home with her. Open alcohol containers are illegal in cars. Perhaps the judge saw these pictures too.

Picture row 5: Over the weekend, Britney takes her dog to Starbucks. Where are the kids?

Picture row 6 and 7: Last night about midnight Britney runs out of gas a second time, and the paparazzi have to fill’er up, again. Then she shops at Ralph’s. What is she doing out at midnight when she has the kids at home for the weekend?

The judge probably knows about all of this, and is finally, I mean FINALLY forcing Britney to be responsible for her actions. Don’t forget about Britney’s former bodyguard who submitted a declaration about Britney’s bad behavior. She was even banned from the Chateau Marmont for smearing food all over her face. What is it going to take for Britney to start acting like an adult? The judge is her daddy now, and he’s finally showing Britney some tough love. First Britney lost her car keys, then her husband, then her mind, and now her kids.

Jessica to Go Country, Y’All!

Jessica Simpson has decided to get back to music, and country music at that. It was her decision. Really. It wasn’t because she can’t act. I’m sure she’s got offers pouring in like hot syrup on a stack of pancakes. I’m sure she’ll get back to acting in compelling films like Dukes of Hazzard and Major Movie Star when she decides she’s good and ready. She’s country singing by choice, man. By choice.

The singer is "talking about doing a country record and going back to her roots, being from Texas," Jessica’s father and manager, Joe Simpson, told PEOPLE at Hard Rock Hotel’s Rolling Stone party in Las Vegas.

"Everything in our business is about beats and I think she really wants to sing," he said, "and country music still believes in that."

Simpson, 27, recently finished filming Major Movie Star and is turning her thoughts back to her music. Her last album, 2006’s "Public Affair," hit the Top 20, but quickly fell off the charts.

"She’s a singer from top to bottom," Joe Simpson said. "And everything in the music business, especially pop music, has moved away from singers. And I think country is the the only pure, storytelling kind of genre left."

Is there a creepier father than Joe Simpson? Only he could manage to refer to his daughter’s "top" and "bottom" in the same sentence. You just know Jessica’s at the top of his spank bank. Ewwwww.

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Amy Winehouse’s Dad Says He Wants to Control Her Money to Save Her Life

According to the Daily Mail, Amy Winehouse’s father has joined forces with her record label to gain control over her finances while she struggles with her addictions.

Amy’s new husband Blake Fielder-Civil is being painted as the bad guy in this scenario and the reason for the legal wrangling.

According to a source, unemployed Blake controls the cash. The source said: "Amy just hands everything over to him. . .

Mitch has told a friend he fears Blake’s influence will see Amy overdosing or committing suicide if he leaves or cheats.

“It makes me sick, he’s the reason she’ll die. I’m not going to see him get everything that she worked so hard for,” he told the friend.

After Amy and Blake were photographed covered in blood and scratches two weeks ago, they were spotted in a bank where she withdrew hundreds of pounds in cash, and then handed it over to her husband.

You know what they always say, "The couple that cuts together, spends all the money on drugs together."

The photo below illustrates the toll her career and the drugs and perhaps the hubby have had on her.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that she may not survive this.

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Jack Nicholson Has Several “Love Children”

According to Page Six, an unauthorized biography on Jack Nicholson by author Dennis McDougal will be released soon and will include some details long held secret by the 70-year-old star. One of these secrets is the fact that he has various "love children," one of whom is handicapped.

But, the book claims, "There are two other possibles whom those closest to Jack whisper about, including one young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother’s drug abuse . . . These are among the closely held secrets he has generally succeeded in keeping from his fans." He doesn’t identify either.

Nicholson’s lawyer, Abe Somer, told Page Six: "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate. There is no handicapped son of Mr. Nicholson." He declined to comment on McDougal’s allegation of a second unknown love child, adding, "Let’s respect his privacy." Somer also said Nicholson has four, not five, illegitimate kids.

The actor, who has admitted he is "preoccupied with sex," also shuns wearing condoms, likening them to wearing a "warm garbage bag." Apparently, he has no fear of the body bag that he’ll surely end up in after his pecker shrivels up and falls off. Speaking of Jack’s pecker, TMZ is also reporting that the biography will contain info on the fact that Jack’s member is "uniquely shaped." After spreading his seed all over the nation, we’re just surprised it doesn’t actually contain a heat sensor and a scope.

Ali Lohan Finds Mom and Lindsay To Be “Insperations”

24/Sizzler’s David Caplan received the following email from Lindsay Lohan’s 13-year-old sister, Ali:

Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother. He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been. I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common. My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives. Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali

Picking on people is my favorite thing to do and yet I’m somewhat at a loss for where to begin with this one. Am I too mean for making fun of a 13-year-old? Nahhh, she’s a Lohan. With all of the drugs and alcohol, they actually go by dog years, which means Ali is actually 91. What speaks to me most is not the fact that she doesn’t know how to spell, but rather that she didn’t take the time to press spell-check. As I’m typing this, the spell-check in our software is lighting up all the errors like a firecrotch on a clear night. Ali, you’re only ten freckles and an eight-ball away from your "insperational" older sister, so I do get the "so much in common part." Cheers!

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