Britney Spears on Suicide Watch

Britney Spears was so upset at losing physical custody yesterday of Sean Preston and Jayden James, after she turned them over to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard, she drove straight to Epitome, her favorite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. As she checked in a photographer knocked down a security guard, and while waiting for the police, more paparazzi fought each other. Britney then headed to the Van Nuys, California DMV, but was not issued a license. If the smile on Britney’s face is any indication of how she feels about losing her kids, she should be shopping, tanning, and clubbing nonstop. I haven’t seen her this happy since she found out Starbucks puts extra heavy whipped cream on everything she orders. Britney still faces charges of hit-and-run which carry up to one year in jail. Somehow Britney sees things as if she is Alice in Wonderland, where the paparazzi are the Queen of Hearts and her minions, the judge is the fat cat, and clubs are places where she can have spiked tea with her friends.

Jenna Jameson Models Teen Clothes at Heatherette

Jenna Jameson may have a fat wallet, but her claim that she’s not anorexic is wearing thin. Below are Jenna and Kim Kardashian whoring it, I mean, hamming it up. Kim has always been a ham, and Jenna looks like she could really use a thick slice of ham.

Michelle Pfeiffer Was Taunted By Teachers as a Girl

With a new movie coming out, Michelle Pfeiffer is making the rounds, submitting to interviews, sharing beauty secrets, telling the usual tales of being an ugly duckling as a child.

Though we doubt she was actually awkward or unattractive, the story the Mirror is reporting about the snarky teachers sounds like it could be true.

"I was a real tomboy.

"My teacher used to write on my report card ‘Michelle is one of the biggest girls in class’.

"All I wanted to be was to be one of a petite little girls but my mother always cut my hair in a pixies and there was nothing feminine about me."

We’re not sure what the pixie haircut has to do with being petite, but can’t you just imagine the teachers who would write such a thing about darling young Michelle?

Wouldn’t you just love to see them now? Ha!

Val Kilmer Rejects Anorexia

Val Kilmer beached, er, surfaced over the weekend at The Rainbow in West Hollywood. I wasn’t sure what Val’s been doing these days, so I looked up his recent work. It looks like he just finished shooting "Comanche Moon." I’m guessing he plays the moon.

In the era of ever-shrinking Hollywood starlets, we salute you, Val Kilmer! Keep up those 12 ounce curls!

Howard Stern Sued Again for His Big Mouth

The equal-opportunity offender, Howard Stern is facing a $100 million lawsuit by an advertiser.

The New York Post reported that a sponsor of Stern’s show on Sirius Radio felt that Stern and his sidekicks undermined the promotional campaign and blames their antics for a drop in sales.

On June 6, [CEO Kelly Lockwood] said, Lee Mroszak, a k a "Crazy Cabbie," was on to talk about how he’s shed 20 pounds with the product. "The first thing out of Howard’s mouth was, ‘Geez, Cabbie, you look fatter than ever,’ " Lockwood said. "Then, [Stern sidekick] Ralph Circella says to Cabbie something like, ‘What the hell are you doing in here promoting a weight-loss product, you fat piece of [bleep]! Why don’t you lose 60 more pounds and then come back?’ This was horrendous for us. Our sales have dropped more than 20 percent. In seven minutes, he undid all the good work we did." Lockwood said the suit, to be filed this week in federal court in New Jersey, will charge Stern and Sirius with defamation.

Again, we’re not attorneys, but an old adage comes to mind: "live by the sword, die by the gross-out and insult humor you exploit and endorse with the ad dollars you throw at the shock jock."

That’s how that old chestnut goes, right?

And, since when does a prudent marketer (oxymoron?) enlist someone named "Crazy Cabbie" as a possible celebrity client. Duh.