Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney Spears, filed a declaration today which accuses Britney of, "nudity, drug use, and safety issues post-rehab." This was a custody hearing so he may be saying nudity and drugs in front of the children, and safety issues with the children. Tony’s declaration was admitted as evidence, and he was not required to testify because neither the court nor Britney’s attorney’s wanted to question him. Gloria Allred said, "his declaration went unrefuted and unchallenged." Gloria went on to say Fat Tony was fired by Britney on May 17 because, "He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat."

Tony is a brave man. He didn’t even mention the allegation that his belly got in the way of picking up that hat. He even tried to hide it with those pin stripes which make him look like he lost a hundred pounds. Way to go Burger King.

Britney Spears has been banned from trendy Chateau Marmont. Here’s more:

Britney came under the management spotlight at exclusive Chateau Marmont after reports she was “acting weird”.

And it seems “acting weird” doesn’t begin to describe her latest act of lunacy, which saw Britney stunning fellow diners in the posh hotel restaurant by smearing a plate of top-notch food over her FACE.

Horrified guests were understandably outraged and demanded the management kick her out for good.

A source said: “The diners were disgusted. You wouldn’t expect that from a teenager in a fast-food joint. Royalty have dined in this restaurant. Her behaviour was totally unacceptable.”

Brit’s latest crazy antics - combined with the convoy of photographers who followed her to the strictly private hotel - were the final straw for stuffy bosses. Now her name has been added to a blacklist of former guests who are no longer welcome.

“Staff at the Chateau have been told she is not welcome. She constantly looked out of it when she came in and the guests began to make noises. The hotel acted before she made a huge scene. No one wants to be banned from staying at the Chateau. If she was trying to make a real go of her comeback then the people who visit the Chateau are the ones who could make it happen.”

Maybe the food is good for the skin, or maybe too many drugs make a person do crazy things. The irony is, Britney’s kids have better food skills than she does. Thanks to nannies, the kids have been using a knife, fork, and spoon to eat since they were born. Britney was raised by bears so she only knows how to use her paws to eat.

Britney is also saying she is going to pose for Maxim. Here’s more:

“Brit’s in damage control mode now. She’s been talking to the folks at Maxim about doing a photo shoot,” a friend of the pop princess tells OK! exclusively, referring to the popular men’s magazine that has been a career-boosting showcase for celebrities like Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria. “She wants to be on the cover as quickly as they can shoot her.” Britney’s decision to go for men’s magazine cover stardom is based solely on her past success with selling herself as an object of desire.

This might work if Maxim could find a snake big enough to cover up Britney’s body. If the snake could swallow her, then they could just shoot her head while it stuck out of the snake’s mouth, but the snake would probably choke once it got to her ankle. Photographers are already complaining Britney is so big the camera angle won’t be able to capture more than just her belly button, which is perfect. Just draw a face around the belly button with several gallons of body paint, and start shooting. No one will know the difference.

Laura Wasser, Britney’s divorce attorney, will be filing paperwork to formally withdraw as her attorney. Her new attorney will be Marci Levine. Here’s more:

The word we hear is that Britney was a problem client because she just didn’t listen to and follow the advice Wasser gave so Spears could maintain custody and end the war.

Do these attorney’s think Britney is a circus animal that just takes orders? Well, she is a circus animal, but think of her as a lion, who needs a lion tamer with a whip. Today Britney may start to understand what it means to have to take responsibility for her actions, whether she likes it or not. She’s a victim of her own bad behavior, and the secret witness (pictured above from today, and below from May 2007) will testify today against Britney in her custody fight with Kevin Federline. The secret witness is Fat Tony, who was a bodyguard for Britney, and was fired in the spring of 2007. Gloria Allred is the secret witness’ attorney.

The bottom line here is, you can’t roll around in the mud snorting oink oink oink, without people call you a pig.