Lindsay Lohan has denied the police version of events to Access Hollywood’s concerned Billy Bush.

When Billy e-mailed Lohan asking if everything was OK and if there was anything she wanted him to get out there for her, she responded, "Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

Time to take bets on how long it will take before Tarin’s mom provides her exclusive story. Whether she did "almost hit" the self-destructive Lohan or not, the details leading up to the arrest are sure to be juicy.

We expect the tale will include slapping and hair-pulling, curses and threats.

And that’s probably just the stuff they witnessed Lindsay doing to herself.

It never happened. That’s what Bruce Willis has to say about those rumors that he and Lindsay Lohan had a short-lived "thing."

In an interview with the Mirror, Willis concedes that he has a rakish image and that his denials of hanky-panky with Firecrotch will fall on deaf ears.

“Here’s what you have to know,” he says with a hint of exasperation. “I don’t pay attention to the gossip anymore. I don’t look at it or let it in my house. We could go down to a newsstand right now and find five stupid things that are written about me, but I just don’t care.

“I stopped fighting it when I was a young kid and I was trying to find my way, just flailing wildly, figuring out how to handle fame. Setting the record straight… I couldn’t care less. Because no matter how many times I tell you I had nothing to do with Lindsay Lohan and never laid a finger on her – she just hung out with my younger daughter Tallulah for a minute – it’s still gonna be set in stone. It’s out of my control.”

Bruce, we believe you. Really.

In the time that has passed since those rumors were hot, we’ve learned that Lindsay was raised by a liar, that she has delusions of influential connections to an ex-Vice President, and that she can’t spell the word adequate.

Her alleged claims – and then public denials – that the two of you were hitting it off seem less convincing now than ever.

We’re just glad that rehab has reduced said Lohan hook-up claims. We’re bracing for the new wave of Lindsay-finds-love stories we’ll soon have to post.

And it makes our fingers cry.