Lindsay Lohan is Not Dead - Yet

The Canterbury Institute is illegally using Lindsay Lohan’s name in a "DON’T DIE LINDSAY!" ad to get attention. Right now they treat non-celebrities that don’t pay well, so they’d like to remedy that by attracting celebrities so they can jack up their rates. If you want to attract celebrities might I suggest offering massages, private rooms, condoms and lube, unsupervised day passes good for up to 3 days, and drug tests that are answered as a "yes" or "no" question to the rehab guest.

This weekend Lindsay will be leaving rehab. While in rehab she was caught having sex, and in possession of drugs. Plus, she was named in a divorce case for having an alleged affair with one of her fellow rehab mates, who happens to be married to a woman whose family is worth over $1 billion dollars. When she gets out I’m sure she’ll summarize rehab as "b-o-r-i-n-g."

Morning Puke on Live Television

Live television is fun. Anything can happen, even projectile vomiting. Did this Swedish game show host Eva Nazemson puke because of menstrual cramps, or did the condom break on her last one-night-stand? Just an FYI: Condoms break 100% of the time, which is why guys agree to use them.

Jessica Alba has a Nice Butt

Jessica Alba took a break from her schedule to play some games at the Santa Monica pier this week. In those skin tight jeans she almost looks naked. Seeing women looking almost naked in tight clothes is a lot like wearing a condom, they look great, but I can’t feel a thing.

Lindsay Lohan May be Pregnant

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to be in at the Cirque rehab facility in Utah, but now there are rumors that she is pregnant again according to OK! magazine:

“It wouldn’t be the first time she had a pregnancy scare.”

Although I doubt Lohan is pregnant, she’s no doubt been studying the positive reaction Nicole Richie has received. Richie gets a second DUI, is facing jail time, gets pregnant, gets sympathy, gets a few days in jail, and everyone loves her again. Lohan is following the same pattern, and right now she may not even be able to find work as an actress, so she’s in desperate need of something to help get her career back on track. I wonder if she’s one of those stars that uses abortion as birth control.

If Lohan did give birth, the baby would probably just be a wad of used condoms. On the other hand, if the always working the party scene Lindsay did have a baby, her mother would most likely raise it, and we know what a great job she did with Lindsay.

Jack Nicholson Has Several “Love Children”

According to Page Six, an unauthorized biography on Jack Nicholson by author Dennis McDougal will be released soon and will include some details long held secret by the 70-year-old star. One of these secrets is the fact that he has various "love children," one of whom is handicapped.

But, the book claims, "There are two other possibles whom those closest to Jack whisper about, including one young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother’s drug abuse . . . These are among the closely held secrets he has generally succeeded in keeping from his fans." He doesn’t identify either.

Nicholson’s lawyer, Abe Somer, told Page Six: "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate. There is no handicapped son of Mr. Nicholson." He declined to comment on McDougal’s allegation of a second unknown love child, adding, "Let’s respect his privacy." Somer also said Nicholson has four, not five, illegitimate kids.

The actor, who has admitted he is "preoccupied with sex," also shuns wearing condoms, likening them to wearing a "warm garbage bag." Apparently, he has no fear of the body bag that he’ll surely end up in after his pecker shrivels up and falls off. Speaking of Jack’s pecker, TMZ is also reporting that the biography will contain info on the fact that Jack’s member is "uniquely shaped." After spreading his seed all over the nation, we’re just surprised it doesn’t actually contain a heat sensor and a scope.