Lindsay Lohan has struck a deal by pleading no contest to two counts of DUI and will serve 10 days community service and one day in jail (the minimum sentence of four days was cut in half by the judge, and she was also credited one day for the time served when she was arrested). Lindsay also pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of a controlled substance and pled no contest to reckless driving. The judge ordered Lindsay to serve 36 months probation and attend an alcohol education program for 18 months, as well as enroll in a drug program and "not to associate with people with controlled substances." For her 2 DUIs, 2 counts of possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility, driving on a suspended license, drinking underage and fleeing the scene of an accident, and recklessly trying to run down someone down with her car, Lindsay will serve 1 day in jail. She could check in at midnight and check out right after midnight, so she could spend less time in jail than Nicole Richie. In what amounts to another crappy acting job Lindsay issued the following statement:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."

As for Lindsay’s father Michael Lohan, here’s what the judge told him when he got a DUI:

Michael Lohan Lohan, 45, had been driving with a suspended or revoked license and had a blood-alcohol level nearly double the legal limit, Watson said. He pleaded guilty Friday to the reduced charge of driving while impaired.

The judge rejected a request by Lohan’s lawyers that he be sentenced to an alcohol rehabilitation program instead of prison.

Daddy served about 2 years in prison, while his little girl gets 1 day for far more charges. This will no doubt improve their father-daughter relationship. Lindsay is following in Daddy’s footsteps. Ali just snuck out of the house and got into a car wreck herself. When is it gonna be Dina’s turn? Soon I hope. The judge ordered Lindsay to "not to associate with people with controlled substances." He should have added "and your mother." Addicts and alcoholics don’t stop until they hit a low point, and 1 day in jail plus nature walks at a rehab center in Utah doesn’t seem like a low point. We’ll be seeing Lindsay again with a new mug shot, and rehashed excuses.

Looking to score points with Lindsay, Michael Lohan issued this statement after Lindsay’s plea deal was announced:

“I am overjoyed that the system sees that Lindsay is getting the help she needed by putting her best foot forward and by going to rehab. I think between her attorney, Blair Berk, and her therapists at Cirque Lodge, she’s around people that care about her best welfare and Lindsay as a human being. I just hope I can be part of the right path she is on.”

Does anyone honestly believe that Michael thinks Lindsay’s sentence was fair, just, or helpful to her? If he cared about her then he would have said something like, “she needs to do some hard time, so she can face some hard realizations, and turn her life around because she’s hit rock bottom.” Instead he just kissed her butt because he loves her money more than his daughter, just like everyone else around her. With these people around Lindsay she could be dead before the year is out, and her family will be making money off book deals, movie deals, and endorsements to use her name. Not even Captain America can help Lindsay now, because he’s dead. Remember?

Not to be outdone, and to continue enabling her little girl, Dina Lohan has issued the following statement this evening also:

“My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives, and people just want to make things up and see us fail!”

Does this statement smack of someone out-of-touch with reality? No one made up the charges, or the plea deal, or the 1 day in jail sentence. Dina should be down on her knees begging the public for forgiveness for being the type of parent that has been pictured doing alcohol and drugs with Lindsay, and messing up her kid’s lives. She doesn’t have to worry about failing. Dina has already failed as a parent. The last 5 movies Lindsay did have failed. Her last 2 trips to rehab failed. Lindsay failed to stay clean after her first DUI, and got a second in record time. Now Lindsay has failed to keep herself from making her father’s mistake of becoming an ex-con. Don’t forget 13 year-old Ali Lohan just got into a car wreck herself. Is this the “wonderful place in our lives” Dina is talking about?

Lindsay Lohan won’t be charged with any felonies. The Los Angeles district attorney says that Lindsay did not possess the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing. What’s the threshold for the cocaine found in her blood taken at the hospital after her DUI accident? Here’s more:

The charges are seven misdemeanors — NO FELONIES. And, there may be a plea bargain today at 1:30 PM PDT.

Lindsay had a .12 blood alcohol level on her second arrest and a .15 on her first. The legal limit is .08, but the DA still didn’t think twice legal limit twice was enough for a felony, and found room in his heart of gold to have pity for Lindsay:

In deciding whether to file felony cocaine charges, the D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan’s case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age — 21 — and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable — also worked in her favor.

Sounds like the DA had a lot of excuses for not charging Lindsay with a felony. I guess we should all give Lindsay a break, after all, she’s only become a millionaire, lived the American dream in the spotlight, had the same crappy parents as the rest of us, and so she deserves to get a slap on the wrist for committing seven misdemeanors, and at least one felony that isn’t important enough to file. Saddam Hussein could have immigrated to Los Angeles after the war broke out in Iraq, and made the same claims as Lindsay, and his crimes probably would have got him less time in jail than Paris Hilton. I’m all for bringing back the old days where an angry crowd gets wind of a rumor like celebrities aren’t treated like average folk, so they drag a few out to the old oak tree and string’em up with a sign on their chest that says, "poor little rich girl/boy."

OK! magazine says that Linsday Lohan may have bought beer at a Utah grocery store last night:

This morning on Utah’s 97.1 FM, an anonymous called to report a Lindsay Lohan sighting. But unlike recent outings to Target for sunglasses or to the gym to work out, this time the beleaguered actress was seen purchasing alcohol! According to the caller, Lindsay, 21, and a large, older gentleman, possibly a bodyguard, entered a Maverik convenience store in Orem, Utah, last night (Aug. 21) and purchased some Miller Lite. When approached by fans for an autograph, Lindsay’s companion replied, "This is not a good time."

Lindsay was surrounded by, and followed by the paparazzi who would have gladly bought the beer for her, and said nothing, so this story is B.S. Wait a minute, wasn’t one of the paps a large older gentleman? Is he the same one who had his pants around his ankles, and a blond pony tail bobbing in and out of his crotch, minutes before he bought that beer? If you call a radio station claiming a cocaine loving celebrity bought a rot gut beer like Miller Lite, then you just might be a red neck, or you might just be the next witness for the prosecution in Lindsay’s DUI case.

Lindsay Lohan has arranged for OK! magazine to do a photo shoot with her while she is in rehab at the Cirque Lodge detox center in Sundance, Utah. OK! is promoting the shots as if they just caught Lindsay acting naturally, but they’re not. Here’s more:

In one perfectly posed shot, a demure Lohan, her hair pulled tightly back, is reading "Alcoholics Anonymous," AA’s 164-page "Big Book," which mixes personal stories of redemption with a description of how the program works. "She really is taking it seriously," OK! Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens said. "She’s replacing L.A. and smoking with yoga and reading." And, Ivens said, "she hasn’t looked this good in years."

Lohan spends her days writing in a journal, soaking up "spiritual classes" and working shifts at Smith’s, a nearby supermarket, where her earnings go to a local charity, the magazine said. If that gets too blue collar for her, a source said Cirque offers "equine therapy, where patients care for horses to help them with issues of trust. She’s been really worried about the influence she’s having on her little sister Ali (13)," Ivens said.

"That’s why this time she’s determined to sort herself out, because she doesn’t want her Ali to grow up and suffer the same things she’s suffered."

Lindsay’s brother and sister visited her in rehab, but not in rehab. They all went shopping at a grocery for…I’m not really sure since Lindsay just walked around talking on the phone, and there were no rehab escorts in site. Yeah, apparently the rehab staff trust Lindsay enough to let her out by herself, and with her brother and sister who could have easily brought Lindsay a little something from mom to make rehab easier. Maybe now she’ll stop trying to suck the cocaine residue out of all the new patients. I noticed all the patients get bandannas when they go rafting, but they might want to wear those self inflating life preservers somewhere other than their head.

Lindsay Lohan may not be charged for the cocaine police found in her blood, which was taken from her in the hospital after she ran her car into a palm tree scoring her a second DUI this year. It used to be people complaining that police weren’t doing their job, now they are, but the courts are handing down celebrity justice which means the evidence is thrown out, and the celebrity is free to go back to drinking and drugging. TMZ says:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ there is a "strong possibility" the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s office will NOT file felony charges against Lindsay Lohan in connection with her two DUI arrests.

We’re told charges may be filed tomorrow, and the D.A. is leaning toward rejecting three possible felonies. Sources say the D.A. almost certainly will not file cocaine charges in connection with her DUI bust Memorial Day weekend in Beverly Hills.

As for her July 24 arrest in Santa Monica, the D.A. could charge her with felony cocaine possession, and bringing cocaine into a correctional facility — also a felony. But we’re told that the D.A. is inclined not to file those felony charges either.

That basically leaves misdemeanor DUI charges for both incidents. If Lohan is found guilty of both, she’d have to serve a minimum of four days in jail, and that beats prison, baby!

And we’re told Lohan’s mega-lawyer Blair Berk and prosecutors have been talking a lot and that spells a possible plea bargain.

Here’s what’s for sure: If Lohan is not charged with a felony, she is not required to attend Friday’s arraignment. If that’s the case, put money on it — Lindsay will be a no show.

This confirms my theory that tits have the power to change the world, and get hot chicks out of trouble. Wonder woman had a secret weapon called sex appeal. When she was losing a battle, she did what Lindsay does, just push her chest out, and once her foe was mesmerized she’d just walk away. The only positive side to all of this is seeing how pissed off Paris Hilton will be if Lindsay doesn’t even get a single day in jail, but instead enjoys nature walks in Utah.