Jack Nicholson Has Several “Love Children”

According to Page Six, an unauthorized biography on Jack Nicholson by author Dennis McDougal will be released soon and will include some details long held secret by the 70-year-old star. One of these secrets is the fact that he has various "love children," one of whom is handicapped.

But, the book claims, "There are two other possibles whom those closest to Jack whisper about, including one young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother’s drug abuse . . . These are among the closely held secrets he has generally succeeded in keeping from his fans." He doesn’t identify either.

Nicholson’s lawyer, Abe Somer, told Page Six: "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate. There is no handicapped son of Mr. Nicholson." He declined to comment on McDougal’s allegation of a second unknown love child, adding, "Let’s respect his privacy." Somer also said Nicholson has four, not five, illegitimate kids.

The actor, who has admitted he is "preoccupied with sex," also shuns wearing condoms, likening them to wearing a "warm garbage bag." Apparently, he has no fear of the body bag that he’ll surely end up in after his pecker shrivels up and falls off. Speaking of Jack’s pecker, TMZ is also reporting that the biography will contain info on the fact that Jack’s member is "uniquely shaped." After spreading his seed all over the nation, we’re just surprised it doesn’t actually contain a heat sensor and a scope.

Diddy is Artistic…and Subtle

Puff Diddy. Dim Witty. Whatever his name is. If his "good friend" Sienna Miller can’t keep it straight, why should we be expected to stay informed?

The rapper/producer/designer/entrepreneur/baby daddy formerly known as Sean "Puffy" Combs has recorded a new song because he is suffering. According to Page Six:

SEAN Combs is mining his heartbreak for artistic purposes. Having been dumped by the mother of three of his children, Combs has cut a song titled "Through the Pain . . . a k a Kim Porter," and a video that debuted Thursday on "106 & Park" on BET. Hip-hop Web site Sohh.com reports Combs created the music video as a response to Porter’s appearance on CNN discussing their breakup. "This is how he’s coming back," the site says. "Basically it’s like, ‘You’re putting me through hell.’

Is he kidding? So much for symbolism and mystery.

This is the musical equivalent of those badly written tragedy books the publishers churn out to quickly profit from the 24-hour-news culture. Or those Law & Order episodes, ripped from the headlines.

If he’s going to milk this for sympathy and dollars, he’d appeal to more of the public by being more honest with his obvious song titles.

Kim Porter, I Know I Did(died) You Wrong, But Damn Girl That Sienna is Hot!

(My Baby Mama Just Had Twins) Meet Me Out for Some Cristal

Or, he could rip off…er…."sample" Lionel Richie and sing something like Once, Twice, Three Times, My Babies…But I’ll Never Marry You

Ron Jeremy: Say No to Porn!

Encouraging your children to heed the sage advice of Ron Jeremy seems odd, but according to Page Six, he’ll soon be seen in a PSA intended to encourage kids to avoid pornography.

According to avn.com, the minute-long ad for a Christian group features the Hedgehog and his sidekick, a doll named "Pete the Porno Puppet," warning: "Don’t watch porn ’til you’re over 18 years of age. It’s for adults only."

Has there been a Hedgehog conversion? Have we missed some legal troubles? This smacks of the condition of some parole or something.

Regardless of the driving force, we’d love to see the efficacy data on this campaign.

Pete the Porno Puppet? That’s like having Joe Camel warn kids of the dangers of smoking. Or using the Sun Country Cooler Polar Bears eschewing alcohol and frolicking fun to promote spinach and homework.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Wouldn’t Settle for a Childless Life

Catherine Zeta-Jones knew what she wanted out of life and it was more than ostentatious hair treatments. The girl can drive a hard bargain.

When she was dating Michael Douglas, she was firm about her desire for a family. The Mirror reports:

Catherine, 37, said: "I turned to him and asked, ‘Do you really want children?’ I thought for one minute he was going to say, ‘I already have a son, Cameron.’

"I would then have had to say goodbye. I remember saying defiantly, ‘I can’t live without having children’. And he went, ‘Me too’," she added in an interview with Parade magazine.

Perhaps she thought that was her escape clause. Something along the lines of "Sorry, you face-lifted old man, I would love to marry you, but I’m young, gorgeous and I want a beautiful family."

Unfortunately for the glossy-haired Zeta-Jones, the cruel trick of human physiology is that even mummified men can impregnate their wenches and silence the ticking of the biological clock. And some have the ego to want to.

Playing catch with the kiddies? That’s another story.