The official CD cover for Britney Spears new CD Blackout is finally here, and it sucks. This is what happens when Britney manages her own career. The album is due out October 30, which is earlier than expected since most of the songs already leaked out online. Jive Records is suing Perez for leaving rough unfinished Blackout songs on his site, which the label says make Britney look bad. That’s not hard to do. Here’s a list of the songs that have leaked so far:

1. Gimme More (04:11) – LEAKED
2. Piece of Me (03:32) – LEAKED
3. Radar (03:49) – LEAKED
4. Break The Ice (03:16) – LEAKED
5. Heaven on Earth (04:52) – LEAKED
6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan) – LEAKED
7. Freakshow (02:55)
8. Toy Soldier (03:21)
9. Hot As Ice (03:16) – LEAKED (Cold As Fire)
10. Ooh Ooh Baby (03:28) – LEAKED (Fillin’ Me Up)
11. Perfect Lover (03:02) – LEAKED (Got Me High)
12. Why Should I Be Sad (03:10) – LEAKED (Stupid Things)

Britney is auditioning dancers today for her new Blackout tour. It should be called When Pigs Fly, or Three Little Piggies, or just plain Oink. I like Gimme More, but the rest of the album stinks like pig sh!t. It’s actually going to be entertaining to see video of Britney trying to make her 300 lb butt dance. She’ll probably just sit in a big lounge chair on stage eating Big Macs and glazed donuts, and washing them down with Starbucks fat shakes. You don’t think I’d actually pay to see her perform do you? Who knows, maybe she’ll make history by having a heart attack at the age of 25 on this tour. I might go to see that, if the tickets are free. The deluxe edition below comes with a free Cheetos offer. Sweet.

Entertainment Tonight says they allegedly have information which may point to Britney Spears as the person who may have hired hit men to kill Kevin Federline. Here’s more:

ET has several reliable sources that the FBI and LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit on KEVIN FEDERLINE’s life.

Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger.

Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau’s standard operating procedure when someone’s life is threatened.

ET has been working this story for the past two months. When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation.

The custody battle is really heating up now. It shouldn’t be hard to find the hit men. Just look for two guys honking horns that smell like Cheetos with big red noses, colorful afros, and big floppy feet.

Update:

…an FBI investigation into a plot to kill Kevin Ferderline are completely untrue — however, an LAPD investigation was conducted in the past.

According to LAPD, the department opened an investigation into a threat on Federline’s life nearly two months ago, but the case was closed due to insufficient evidence.

TMZ also spoke with the L.A. spokesperson for the FBI, who blasted reports claiming that the the FBI ever confirmed anything about a K-Fed investigation saying, "The information on the Internet on these reports is not accurate. It did not come from the FBI at all."

That’s a relief. Turns out Britney is more old fashioned. She’ll probably take K-Fed out with a long rifle or a crossbow.

Sunday night at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas Britney Spears ran off stage yelling she looked like a fat pig, after seeing herself on overhead monitors during her performance. Here’s more:

“She was also able to see video of herself throughout the auditorium,” a backstage source tells Us Weekly. “She flipped out. She came running off the stage, yelling ‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!’ She was inconsolable.”

I’m not going to dispute the facts, or argue against Britney’s accurate declaration that she "looked like a fat pig." She’s right. I’ve never seen an anorexic pig, so "fat pig" sounds accurate. Drinking 3 or 4 Starbucks Vente frappuccinos with extra heavy whipped cream, plus super-sized pizzas with extra cheese and grease, Cheetos, and more, doesn’t make a young lady look like a sexy goddess. Over the last few years has she not stepped on a scale or even looked in the mirror? When her manager arranged for a trainer, and brought in a whale trainer from SeaWorld, didn’t Britney suspect someone was trying to tell her something? On the plus side, as long as Britney is a fat pig, it will be harder to see her vagina past her inner thigh fat.

Check out Britney’s uncensored MTV VMA performance after the jump…

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There were some incredible demands made by some of the performers at the VMA Awards for what they wanted backstage. Justin Timberlake’s included mostly booze, while Fitty’s included mostly sweets, but, of course, it was Britney’s that was the most hilarious of all. I know we’ve all had an a$$-full of her, but this cannot go unnoticed. Here is her list of demands: crudites, fruit, little sandwiches (NO BACON), margaritas, red bull (both regular and sugar free), and lots of flowers, candles, and "girly things."

We can only imagine that "crudites" is Brit Brit’s word for Cheetos. Fruit is probably her non-PC request for a stylist/best friend. NO BACON means EXTRA BACON. And "girly things" was probably a huge addendum which included invisible panties, a vibrator, Xanax, and someone to go check on the kids in her car.

Over the weekend three more Britney Spears songs were leaked, Your Heaven, You Got Me High, and Been Awhile. At this point practically the whole album has been leaked. I didn’t like any of the songs. I couldn’t dance to them unless I was having a seizure, and I can only handle one of those a day. This is one small step backwards for mankind, and one giant step backwards for retards. If Britney is trying to lower our expectations for her next album, it worked. She follows the philosophy, if at first you don’t succeed, try failing first. I would have been more entertained watching Britney smoke cigarettes, eat Cheetos, and yell at her kids with that sexy southern accent.

There are two more songs after the jump…

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