Kiefer Sutherland has officially been charged with two misdemeanor counts of DUI as a result of his arrest early Tuesday morning, when he was caught driving with a blood alcohol level that was almost twice the legal limit. This is his fourth DUI, and his judge will be Michael Sauer. The same judge that sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days after violating her probation three times. Kiefer will probably get the Nicole Richie celebrity treatment of 4 days in jail, with less than one hour served. Keifer is number 10 on Forbes list of richest celebs after he made $22 million last year, and he’s saving the world year after year 24 hours at a time. Fit him with a bracelet and tell him to SCRAM.

Britney Spears was ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and abstain from alcohol 12 hours before seeing her children. The next day she went partying at the clubs. Attorney John Schweitzer said this to Star Magazine:

On ignoring the judge’s orders
“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids. The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

On the legal consequences Britney could face
“Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge gives more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

On what Britney should do to keep her kids
“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding.”

They put warning labels on things like Preparation H just for people like Britney. It says, "DO NOT TAKE THIS ORALLY." You know that label is there because someone wrote them a letter:

"Dear P H,

I took your product, and now my mouth is so small I can’t even eat a jell bean, and I still got them hemorrhoids, but I can whistle really good."

Tony Allen, the frontman for Dead Stays Alive, was the bandana wearing dude with the permagrin that had sex in a bathroom at Cirque Lodge rehab with Lindsay Lohan. Here’s more:

Stephanie Allen – the mother of Tony’s eight-month-old twins Blake and Lakeland – has been left devastated by the claims and has kicked her husband out of their Georgia home. A friend told Britain’s Daily Mirror newspaper: "She’s had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age. "He is trying to live out this rock star fantasy at 40. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father."

Tony’s friends told his wife:

Recent reports claim Tony boasted to friends about his affair: "Come on, it’s Lindsay Lohan. Hell, yes! Wouldn’t you?"

Here’s what Tony told his wife:

However, 39-year-old Tony – who fronts US band Dead Stays Alive – claims his relationship with Lindsay is purely platonic.

High fives all around for Tony. How many 39 year-olds can say they banged a movie star half their age in the bathroom. Let me explain my support for Tony. Women are offered sex since the time they hit puberty. Women are used to saying no to sex. Anytime a woman wants sex she can get it. Men might get sex by taking women out for dinner and a movie, paying for it, or begging for it. Some men learn to have sex by watching the neighborhood dogs. One lesson I learned was never let go of a girl’s leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off. When a woman like Lindsay suddenly says, "do me now," men just drop their pants and get to work. The wife, Stephanie, is jealous. After all her husband is in rehab because he’s a drug addict, and yet she says he’s "a good husband and father." When she wanted babies he dropped his pants and went to work, but now suddenly he’s a bad guy for doing what she married him for.

Oktoberfest is kicking off in Germany, and they have already banned Paris Hilton from the event, but she showed up anyway. Here’s more:

Locals were outraged when the socialite, 26, arrived at the beer festival in plaits and traditional Bavarian dress to advertise a brand of canned wine. They accused organizers of selling out and making the event, which kicks off again this weekend, look shabby. Munich tourism chief Gabriele Weishaeupl announced yesterday that celebrity promotions “are completely prohibited by the new festival rules”.

In a way Paris didn’t break the rules, because she’s not really a celebrity, anymore. It’s hard to imagine that anyone could "cheapen" an event that consists of drinking, puking, sex in the bushes, and public urination, but organizers said she does, and they should know. I’m not surprised Paris showed up even though she was told to stay away, but I am surprised Paris was not hanging off OJ Simpson’s arm as he left jail in Las Vegas so she could get some face time with the cameras.

Paris is still trying to promote herself to saint status, so she wants to give away clothes to children’s charities. Here’s more:

"I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I’m going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children’s hospitals. I never wear something twice."

I don’t know many children that are 5’ 8" tall, and have a size 12 men’s shoe size. Kids with cancer get sick from bugs normal people don’t, so they might want to burn any clothes from Paris that have STD fluids on them, which means all of them.

A guy named Bruce Briggs painted this picture, and he says:

This portrait has generated a lot of buzz. It exudes femininity at its finest. She graces the canvas with the perfect blend of innocence and sexuality.

A lot of people are saying she looks like Beyonce Knowles. I have no comment.

If this is supposed to be Beyonce, she should be livid. Bruce, who calls himself the Airbrush King and celebrity portrait artist, misplaced her nipple. It’s a good thing he’s not a plastic surgeon, or a nuclear power plant operator like Homer Simpson.