Tina Fey was on David Letterman on Wednesday. Letterman read a list of people who stayed virgins from a tabloid, like Brooke Shields (22) and Adriana Lima (27), and it said Fey was 24 years-old when she lost her virginity. Fey said:

"I couldn’t give it away. That’s just good, Christian values, or, being homely."

Letterman loves virgins, but not as much as he loves homely girls. Have you seen his wife Regina Lasko? I’m not sure who is more homely, Lasko or Fey. I’ve got some pictures of Fey during her virgin years below, and Dave’s wife for comparison. Fey is on the far right.

A reporter with the National Enquirer allegedly checked Brooke Shields mother out of her nursing room on Thursday by posing as a friend, according to People. Teri Shields (75) suffers from dementia.

"I intend to take every lawful action against all who were involved or who authorized this despicable act."

"My mother Teri Shields has been diagnosed with dementia. For her safety, she has temporarily been in a senior living facility, a very difficult decision for me," she says. "Late Thursday afternoon, I was alerted by Old Tappan Police that my mother had been signed out of the facility by two reporters of the National Enquirer, who falsely claimed they were friends of hers."

"They then drove my 75-year-old mother around looking for a tabloid story. As anyone knows who has a parent who suffers from dementia or Alzheimer’s, it is one of the most difficult experiences you can go through as a son or daughter. The idea that the National Enquirer took advantage of her state is reprehensible and disgusting."

Police were called to the nursing home by its staff to help look for the elder Shields, who had been allowed to leave but was gone for an "extended period of time." They found Teri unharmed chatting with a freelance journalist at a restaurant next door to the New Jersey assisted living center.

The journalist and a photographer were questioned by police. The incident is still under investigation.

That journalist *cough* needs to not only go to jail, but also needs to be fired, and black listed from anything journalism related. This is unbelievable. However, no charges have been filed, and the Shields family had not yet sought a criminal complaint against the reporter nor the photographer.

According to Old Tappan Police Department Capt. Thomas Shine, officers were called to the assisted living facility at 3 p.m. Thursday to look for Teri Shields. A supervisor at the facility said the elder Shields had been checked out.

"It was more along the lines that she had been allowed to leave, based upon their protocol or policy. It had been an extended period of time since she left."

"Our officer located her with some form of a journalist, I think a freelance journalist, in an eatery right next door. She wasn’t harmed in any way shape or form. She was fine. The officers discussed the circumstances with her. And she literally walked with one of my officers next door to the assisted living center."

"The part we’re investigating here is who allowed her to leave the facility. It appears that there were some permissions that were given for Mrs. Shields by the family, be they written, be they verbal, we’re investigating, to allow her visitation for a variety of different reasons."

Shine says he believes the journalist "was familiar to Mrs. Shields" and that the journalist "did sign her out and was allowed to leave by personnel."

As for whether the elder Shields was driven around, Shine says, "We’re still investigating that."

We want to know the name of this so-called journalist. We hope all that allowed this to happen, and those that made it happen like the reporter, are charged in this case.

Sherri Shepherd commented on Brooke Shields getting drunk with multiple DUI alcoholic Kiefer Sutherland:

"I love Brooke Shields, I really do. But what the hell are you doing at a bar at 2 in the morning with Kiefer Sutherland? It made her feel hip but it’s like me and Andy Dick being out at 2 in the morning. Nothing good happens at 2 in the morning."

Shepherd should consider retiring right now, because what she said was probably the coolest thing she may ever say. It’s to the point, and dead on accurate.

The second coolest thing Sherri ever did was when she tried to kiss Cameron Mathison on the mouth, while holding him with a headlock.

Brooke Shields is a Princeton graduate in French Literature, with a minor in Italian, but says she spent most of her time making pottery, to relax. That explains why she doesn’t know basic everyday stuff like how to drive properly. Brooke told Extra:

… that she drove her car into her own house after her platform shoes got stuck under the gas pedal. “I really did drive into my house,” laughed Brooke. “I was wearing these fabulous sort of kick-ass platform patent leather. I was meeting the team at ‘Lipstick Jungle.’ I was all sexed out.” She continued, “I slowed down to what I thought was a proper speed. I went to go put my foot on the break and I couldn’t get my foot off the gas because the wedge was completely wedged under!” She added, “I slammed on what I thought was the brake and it actually was the gas.” Brooke then smashed into a pillar in front of her home! “I was fine,” she said. “The pillar, of course, was removed at which point I was like, ‘We didn’t really need that, that’s just in the way.’”

In the words of Homer Simpson, "Doh!"

Lindsay Lohan’s sex scene in I Know Who Killed Me is lame. Without the whips and lines of coke it’s hard to believe that’s even Lindsay. It failed to arouse me at all. Brooke Shields was more exciting to watch in her sex scene for the Blue Lagoon, in which the director was pinching her big toe to simulate her orgasmic pleasure. Pornos have better music, of which I have the soundtrack of many, and I play the CDs in my car with the volume turned up LOUD.