Jessica Simpson jogged so the cameras could capture her boobs bouncing in slow motion at multiple angles in her new movie Major Movie Star. Another blockbuster for sure.

While drinking in front of the Navy recruiting office on her break a young man approached her. The young man said, "May I join you?"

"That depends," she said.

"Depends on what?" He replied.

"Noooo!" She said with a slur, "Hand me that depends. I’m too drunk to get up and go to the bathroom."

Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney Spears, filed a declaration today which accuses Britney of, "nudity, drug use, and safety issues post-rehab." This was a custody hearing so he may be saying nudity and drugs in front of the children, and safety issues with the children. Tony’s declaration was admitted as evidence, and he was not required to testify because neither the court nor Britney’s attorney’s wanted to question him. Gloria Allred said, "his declaration went unrefuted and unchallenged." Gloria went on to say Fat Tony was fired by Britney on May 17 because, "He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat."

Tony is a brave man. He didn’t even mention the allegation that his belly got in the way of picking up that hat. He even tried to hide it with those pin stripes which make him look like he lost a hundred pounds. Way to go Burger King.

This is Audrina Patridge (22) from MTV’s The Hills. Directors from the show are careful to keep a life guard on duty in the event that Audrina ventures too far out into the water. She doesn’t know how to swim, and right now she can’t afford a pair of life preservers, which are commonly referred to in Hollywood as fake boobs.

Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson is hanging up her whips, chains, and black mamba vibrators. According to Us Magazine, her retirement will include other business pursuits, such as a Hollywood biopic, a comic book and a clothing line, which are due out next year. The next phase of her life also includes downsizing, as the adult film star had her breast implants removed a few weeks ago. She probably has to wear ankle weights just to keep from flying away.

Here is part of her interview with Us:

On why she had her implants removed:
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

I’m thinking that the mirror in Jenna’s home must be like one of those weird distorted circus mirrors that makes you look totally different than you actually appear. Scarlett Johansson, Rachel McAdams, and Sienna Miller? I mean, I’d like Angelina Jolie to play me in my biopic, but I’d also like a million dollars and Santa Claus to be real. But then I wake up.

Beyonce was in Toronto, Canada performing. While she was dancing her top flew up and flashed her boobs. It happens so quick, and luckily she wasn’t wearing a bra. Now that we’ve all seen the goods, Beyonce needs to just sign up for a spread in Playboy, and milk this for all it’s worth. Fans will be milking it. This sure was a lot more fun to watch than seeing Beyonce fall down stairs head first, and way more fun than her fans being burned by her stage pyrotechnics. All this has happened in the past two months. If my calculations are correct, her hair will catch on fire next, she will retire from music, and accept the role of Uncle Fester in the next Addams Family movie.

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