Ultra Magazine, which I’ve never heard of before, published some old nude pictures of Jaime Pressly back in May of 2006. The issue didn’t sell that well. It could have been because Pressly looked bored out of her mind, rather than a provocative sex kitten. Another reason might have been the fact the magazine spelled her last name "Pressley" rather than the correct "Pressly." Normally I would be saying "boobs, boobs, boobs," but Pressly was so boring in these pictures, all I could think about was grammar and spelling. These pictures would have grabbed my attention more effectively if Pressly was dressed as a teacher with a ruler in her hand, and a wry smile like she’s going to break some rules. I’m going to stop now. I think I’ve said too much already.

Scarlett Johansson is currently filming He’s Just Not That Into You with Bradley Cooper, who is rumored to be dating Cameron Diaz. Bradley’s next movie will be Yes Man with Jim Carrey. Although I don’t know what Scarlett’s next project will be yet, I am sure she won’t be playing someone smart, and if she did, it would have to be some sort of fantasy science fiction movie with an alternate universe where her boobs are actually her brains. This means, of course, that women would then be twice as smart as men in that movie, which is … well … only science fiction, not science fact, or is it? Do do do do, do do do do.

Angelina Jolie has been accused of being anorexic over and over again, but this is a first. In Touch says Angelina is still growing in all the right places. Page Six says:

Her emaciated stomach nearly ruined In Touch’s plans for this week’s cover: "Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?" To protect its story, the glossy bought exclusive rights to the shots of her taut torso "so no other weeklies could run them," said an insider. In Touch claims Jolie gained 10 pounds in her chest, but conveniently cropped the photo above her flat stomach. "When Angelina showed up looking so skinny, they bought the photos," our source said. The mag says, "The most striking area of Angelina’s weight gain is in her chest.”

Emaciated implies anorexia or starvation, so how do boobs gain 10 lbs when she isn’t eating? Probably the same way In Touch claims she’s pregnant when she’s not. If Angelina had found something to make her boobs grow 10 lbs overnight without surgery, women from all over the world would be at her doorstep following her like the second coming of Jesus. I don’t pay that much attention to Angelina these days, and I would if her boobs had grown bigger. In fact I’d be writing about her all day, and I’d have a new category called "boob watch."

Christina Aguilera may not want to admit it publicly, but she is…well I’m just gonna say it…she’s pregnant. I’m not sure how she made her boobs look smaller than her belly. My theory is duct tape and bungee cords. Unlike Nicole Richie who looks like a pregnant troll, Christina is beautiful, even when she’s not smiling. If she adjusted that lipstick a little she could make it look like she’s smiling, just like clowns do.

Courtney Love has poured barrels of drugs and alcohol into her body, and now at 43 years-old her body is literally falling apart. If your boobs can touch your belly button it should be a rule to wear a bra. I’ve seen perkier breasts on a zombie chick. She could do a public service message for drugs, naked. Seeing Courtney naked is bad enough, but just think how horrifying it would be for the blind who have to touch her to see her. The horror, oh, the horror.