This is Audrina Patridge (22) from MTV’s The Hills. Directors from the show are careful to keep a life guard on duty in the event that Audrina ventures too far out into the water. She doesn’t know how to swim, and right now she can’t afford a pair of life preservers, which are commonly referred to in Hollywood as fake boobs.

Michael Lohan will be visiting his daughter Lindsay Lohan at Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Utah. This will be the first time in years they’ve seen each other. Dina Lohan agreed to drop a restraining order against Michael so he could see Lindsay. Counselors will be present during the visit, which is meant to help Lindsay face her past. Michael is also a recovering alcoholic. Michael is rumored to be getting a reality TV show of his own soon, so he might just try to sneak in a camera crew. It’s hard to say how helpful it will be when Michael sees Lindsay’s chest and exclaims, "dang, my girl is all grown up," and Lindsay starts her pole dancing routine just for daddy.

Jennifer Aniston surfing in Hawaii really takes my mind off all the depressing news that came out today. I wonder if that instructor knows that sperm attracts sharks.

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Question of the Day: How many dimples are on a golf ball?

Answer: Between 330 and 500

Next Question: How many dimples are on Kimberly Stewart’s a$$?

Answer: That is yet to be determined. Sorry, but I don’t have that kind of time.

Jenna Jameson doesn’t swallow anymore, which explains her severe weight loss. Now all she’s good for is Halloween porn, playing a skeleton who feels like a cheese grater. Looking at her makes me all sad inside, kinda like when my blow up doll of Jenna deflated after my dog got a hold of her. Plus my doll jumped around, and made some of the same poses and facial expressions Jenna is making here, when the air was escaping. If she gets any skinnier Angelina Jolie is gonna try to adopt her.