Newly-freed jailbird Paris Hilton has hopped a jet and landed in Maui. She even donned a clever (?) disguise to avoid the ever-present nuisance of the media. And it almost worked.

Luckily, someone caught the re-born heiress as she starts her new life. Since Hilton claims that she doesn’t drink or do drugs, we’re sure she’ll spend her days on the beach reading the Bible and her nights researching worthy charities for her many philanthropic interests.

Or, perhaps she’ll get wasted and vent about how hard it was to endure the real world for a few days.

People magazine has released excerpts of their Paris Hilton "exclusive" cover story.

Delusional Paris quotes from the article include this assessment of her own character:

"I’m a good person. I’m a compassionate person. I have a big heart. I’m sincere, and they’ll see."

Her description of the "medical condition" that resulted in her short-lived re-assignment to home detention:

"I was basically in the fetal position, basically in hysterics … and having severe anxiety and panic attacks."

And an explanation for her rapid jailhouse conversion, and a heart-warming recollection of her social life in the big house:

"There was a nun who works at the jail for all the ladies, and she would come every day and we would pray," she said. "There were girls next to me. … We could talk through the vents and they were just really sweet."

That poor devoted Sister. All that work with the convicts and daily reading of the Word for three-and-a-half weeks, yet Paris couldn’t think of one favorite Bible passage for Larry King last night.

Trying to help Paris during that uncomfortable pause, we feebly shouted a suggestion to the TV screen.

Jesus wept! Jesus wept!

Jesus wept, indeed.