Nicole Richie is in Hawaii experiencing some of the wonders of pregnancy, a boyfriend who follows close behind, and the walking farts. She brought along her iPod so she could listen to the sounds of the ocean. Nicole is careful to shield herself from the sun with a makeshift tent, since other beach goers complained the reflection from her belly had caused them to experience third degree burns. Joel Madden hasn’t sat down once since Nicole got pregnant. He’s afraid once he does, she’ll realize he’s not her assistant, and fire him.

There are few things that can make a day at the beach better than the smell of cigarettes and cheap booze, the site of sweaty rolls of fat, and Natasha Lyonne. I need to stand up and unbutton my pants. Things are getting really tight in there.

According to the New York Post, Pamela Anderson has been keeping at least near-naked company with Rick Salomon. Ewwww…

She could do so much better. Sure, she has bad taste in men, but the girl is looking good as evidenced by the pics of her frolicking on the beach that are making the rounds on the Internets.

At least, she looks good if you don’t look too closely. Some of the pics look like "before" examples for a sun-damage reversing laser treatment.

But, there’s no denying that her body is still slammin’.

Which is really good news, because nobody will be looking at her face in the inevitable sex tape that will surface if these two continue their liaison.

Remember, Ricky boy is Paris Hilton’s former flame and co-star in her infamous sex tape.

With their combined experience, Pam and Rick are sure to make a fortune shilling their naked escapades. No lawsuits if they’re in cahoots!

Lauren Conrad from The Hills was filming in her bikini on a beach. Life is so hard for those girls from The Hills. E! Online’s Answer B!tch provided a ball-park estimate of reality star incomes, including Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from MTV’s series The Hills:

Well, Lauren "L.C." Conrad does get to operate ongoing hot war with Heidi Montag in the pages of Us Weekly every week, free of charge. If that’s not a fine compensation, I don’t know what is. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. How about an estimated $10,000 to $25,000 per episode? That’s the general industry range for top reality stars such as Conrad, Montag, wannabe K-Fed or Spencer Pratt.

A reality star is what a spoiled pretty girl becomes when she’s too lazy to make an honest living as an escort.

Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson is hanging up her whips, chains, and black mamba vibrators. According to Us Magazine, her retirement will include other business pursuits, such as a Hollywood biopic, a comic book and a clothing line, which are due out next year. The next phase of her life also includes downsizing, as the adult film star had her breast implants removed a few weeks ago. She probably has to wear ankle weights just to keep from flying away.

Here is part of her interview with Us:

On why she had her implants removed:
“When I had implants, I felt uncomfortable. I would be shy at the beach. I know it sounds funny, but I’d wear high-necked clothes – unless I was at an adult-film convention. So I thought, Why don’t I be who I am and get my real ones back?”

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

I’m thinking that the mirror in Jenna’s home must be like one of those weird distorted circus mirrors that makes you look totally different than you actually appear. Scarlett Johansson, Rachel McAdams, and Sienna Miller? I mean, I’d like Angelina Jolie to play me in my biopic, but I’d also like a million dollars and Santa Claus to be real. But then I wake up.