The Internets are ablaze this morning with theories explaining Britney’s wooden performance last night.

Photographic evidence of a glittering broken heel is being touted as the reason Brit appeared to stiffly walk through the number, barely moving her hips.

X17 is reporting that Britney Spears was suffering an impediment of a more emotional nature:

A source tells X17 Brit found out about Sarah Silverman’s crappy line about Britney’s babies just moments before she took the stage to perform "Gimme More."

Needless to say, Britney was PISSED! … as any mom would be. Britney was so upset she walked through her performance just to get it over with (despite encouragement from her friends, including Sam who was apparently yelling at Sarah backstage) to skip out on it all together).

She held up her end of the bargain and got a major slap in the face from Sarah.

We’re sure other excuses for Brit-Brit’s uncomfortable-looking routine will continue to pop up today.

We’d like to float our own theory that Britney had her Cheetos power snack way too close to curtain call.

You simply cannot shake your money maker with real feeling when you’re still digesting such cheese-flavored goodness.

Even if you do somehow get the orange stains off your hands in time.

Puff Diddy. Dim Witty. Whatever his name is. If his "good friend" Sienna Miller can’t keep it straight, why should we be expected to stay informed?

The rapper/producer/designer/entrepreneur/baby daddy formerly known as Sean "Puffy" Combs has recorded a new song because he is suffering. According to Page Six:

SEAN Combs is mining his heartbreak for artistic purposes. Having been dumped by the mother of three of his children, Combs has cut a song titled "Through the Pain . . . a k a Kim Porter," and a video that debuted Thursday on "106 & Park" on BET. Hip-hop Web site Sohh.com reports Combs created the music video as a response to Porter’s appearance on CNN discussing their breakup. "This is how he’s coming back," the site says. "Basically it’s like, ‘You’re putting me through hell.’

Is he kidding? So much for symbolism and mystery.

This is the musical equivalent of those badly written tragedy books the publishers churn out to quickly profit from the 24-hour-news culture. Or those Law & Order episodes, ripped from the headlines.

If he’s going to milk this for sympathy and dollars, he’d appeal to more of the public by being more honest with his obvious song titles.

Kim Porter, I Know I Did(died) You Wrong, But Damn Girl That Sienna is Hot!

(My Baby Mama Just Had Twins) Meet Me Out for Some Cristal

Or, he could rip off…er…."sample" Lionel Richie and sing something like Once, Twice, Three Times, My Babies…But I’ll Never Marry You

Catherine Zeta-Jones knew what she wanted out of life and it was more than ostentatious hair treatments. The girl can drive a hard bargain.

When she was dating Michael Douglas, she was firm about her desire for a family. The Mirror reports:

Catherine, 37, said: "I turned to him and asked, ‘Do you really want children?’ I thought for one minute he was going to say, ‘I already have a son, Cameron.’

"I would then have had to say goodbye. I remember saying defiantly, ‘I can’t live without having children’. And he went, ‘Me too’," she added in an interview with Parade magazine.

Perhaps she thought that was her escape clause. Something along the lines of "Sorry, you face-lifted old man, I would love to marry you, but I’m young, gorgeous and I want a beautiful family."

Unfortunately for the glossy-haired Zeta-Jones, the cruel trick of human physiology is that even mummified men can impregnate their wenches and silence the ticking of the biological clock. And some have the ego to want to.

Playing catch with the kiddies? That’s another story.