Paris Hilton Says Cops Hit on Her

A great injustice has been done to Paris Hilton. And it is one of the major tragedies of the modern age that no one in the media has stood up and taken her defense. Paris Hilton is not the criminal here. She is the victim.

Let us consider some startling facts:

FACT: On September 7, 2006, Paris Hilton was pulled over on a reckless driving charge and failed a field sobriety test. Like a responsible citizen aware that she had made a mistake, she pleaded no contest to the charge and was sentenced to 36 months probation and required to enroll in an alcohol education class.

FACT: On January 15, Paris was pulled over again and informed that she was driving on a suspended license. Police let her off with a warning, but required that she sign a document acknowledging that she understood her license was suspended and she was not supposed to drive.

FACT! On February 27 at 11 pm, Paris was pulled over again after authorities saw her car speeding with its headlights off. In her glove compartment, police found the document acknowledging she understood she wasn’t supposed to drive.

FACT!! Paris had been required to enroll in that alcohol education program by February 12, but as of April 17, she still had not.

FACT!!! None of this is Paris’s fault.

So who is to blame if not Paris?

Paris fired her publicist Elliot Mintz yesterday, which just so happened to also be national martyr day in Lebanon.

Anything he does now should be easy compared to dealing with Paris Hilton. His job could be to figure out a way to travel back in time and punch George Washington in the face and it would still be easier than trying to make Paris Hilton look good. He probably would’ve had an easier time representing Hitler.

Paris should be worried. Her lawyers are appealing her sentence, but she has still has to show up for jail by June 5 or she’ll have her 45 day sentence increased to 90 days. Paris has a lot to look forward to including some very masculine lesbians that rule the jail, five-minute showers, wearing blue jumpsuits, no make-up, no T-Mobile sidekick, no pot, and eating one hot meal per day, with baloney sandwiches for lunch.

Just when you thought the story would get old listen to this. Paris is claiming that police pull her over with the express purpose of hitting on her, not citing her.

In an interview given before she was sentenced to 45 days in jail last Friday, Paris tells Harper’s Bazaar (via the New York Post) that policemen routinely stop her and ask, "What’s your phone number? Want to go out to dinner?" Hilton says she finds the alleged accosting "annoying."

Paris always thinks it’s about her. Even the night she got arrested for her DUI. The way she remembers it, a group of officers asked for her phone number, then took her to their place in handcuffs for some kinky group action. Paris probably thinks a nightstick is a sex toy.

"I think I get in trouble because of who I am," says Paris. So why not trying being someone else, like someone who doesn’t break the law?

Judge Michael T. Sauer was given a standing ovation when he arrived on Sunday to the St. Brendan church in Los Angeles. The applause was for sentencing Paris Hilton to 45 days in county jail. The church should declare Judge Michael T. Sauer a saint.