Paris Hilton Did “It” With Jack Osbourne

Jack Osbourne, seen here as part of a skank sandwich, apparently did "the dirty" with none other than jailbird Paris Hilton.

Oh Jack, hero to the decidedly uncool and schlumpy strivers of the world.

It’s a tad disturbing that it’s his parents, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, who are telling the tale, but it’s awesome nonetheless.

According to The Sun, the secret was revealed unintentionally, but the parents were quite proud of their overachieving son.

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

The Sun story goes on to include chatter about them selling their Beverly Hills home to Christina Aguilera and how they just couldn’t stay there any longer with all the strange visitors and stalkers.

Funny, though, the rest of the story is kind of a blur. All we could think about is how we’d like to high five Jack.

Of course, then our thoughts wandered to whether Jack took the proper precautions when he was with Paris.

Now, we’re thinking we’d like to high five him, but wearing gloves.

And goggles.

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